I’m having an emotional affair

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I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:34 pm

-married just over 10 years
-3 kids under the age of 10

My wife works a lot and I hardly ever see her. (For real, she’s home like one night per week. The number kids we have indicates the frequency of our sex). I started spending time with a guy whose daughter is friends with my daughter 5 years ago. I never considered it cheating because (1) he’s male and “I AM NOT GAY” and (2) we never did anything sexual. We hung out because our kids were friends. That’s normal, that’s ok. Our kids are all the same age (in pairs) and get along great.

But the fact of the matter is, I’m very attached to him. Maybe I love him. I don’t know. It’s not about sex. It’s weird. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion because he’s a guy and also “I’m not a cheater”. But I guess I AM a cheater (and gay). I really don’t know. I am definitely more attached to him than I am to my wife. I mean if I had to lose my relationship with one of them, I’d rather it was my wife as long as it didn’t affect the kids. I didn’t set out to cheat but I think I am at this point, emotionally. I still haven’t cheated physically.

We have gone on vacation together a number of times (our wives are friends too). Last summer we took the kids (no wives) on a road trip for over a month. It was great. We took a photo of the two of us which I would never show my wife (it’s not dirty anything but I guess it has sentimental value) which should have been a clue. But even back then I didn’t think of it like an affair, I was in denial I guess. We were just two dads taking our kids on a road trip, that’s normal, right? We would have deep chats under the stars and get each other gifts but we’re just platonic pals, ya know?

Anywho, he spontaneously expressed to me that he loves me last night. It’s the first time that’s been said. That’s very bad. We’re both married. It’s not ok. It’s wrong. It’s gross. It was NYE (happy new year lol) but we weren’t even drunk. We did a kids New Years party, and had no time to get drunk while organizing everything, because we went all out with the games. Our wives were there (not in that moment but in the house). He wanted to kiss me. I said no, but I wanted to as well. I feel super guilty today.

I don’t know what to do. I know divorce is bad. But I do kind of wonder why stay married? My wife is hardly ever home. She left today for a month-long “business trip” so it’s just me and the kids here. We might as well not be married, the only thing we do that’s “married” is taxes .. and occasionally arguing. And if we weren’t married I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty. I don’t know how it would affect the kids. I’m not planning to run off with him or anything crazy. Their lives would basically stay exactly the same unless she wanted more custody than what she has now, which maybe she would, I don’t know.

I can’t just ditch him because my daughter has been friends with his daughter since they were 4 and now they’re 9. I can’t just say we’re never seeing them again, that’s not fair to them. My wife can’t organize play dates because my wife is always working, and she doesn’t do “kid stuff”, neither does his wife. In fact, we initially bonded because we were both the primary parent and who have wives that are off working and probably screwing more masculine men behind our backs. (Read: I don’t want to stop seeing him because I like being around him so I’m making excuses).

I’m so confused. Help
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:38 pm

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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Jan 01, 2018 3:49 pm

I get that coming to the realization that you are gay and being able to be open and up front about it is scary. But, what type of relationship starts while in another?

Think of it this way, is this the type of behaviour you want to model for your children? Making a new mess before cleaning up the first one?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Mon Jan 01, 2018 5:57 pm

Fatheroffour What specifically should I stop?
For example, we’re going skiing next week (with kids, without wives, planned last year). Do I back out of that despite kids looking forward to it? Or do I go but tell him no shenanigans? The thing about the second option is there already are no shenanigans so that doesn’t really fix anything. (I mean there were kind of shenanigans last night but that was the first time and I was clear about not wanting to do it).

massdad Yes I totally agree it’s wrong (and dumb). I never would have allowed it to happen with a woman because I think it’s wrong. But I guess I have functional fixedness when it comes to men and didn’t realize what this was for a long time. I don’t know how it happened. That’s probably what all cheaters say.

Anyway, my thinking is now that it has gone this far, it might be best to divorce particularly since my marriage sucks anyway. It really does. She’s not anymore into it than I am. And that way I’m not doing anything while married. Probably misguided but yeah. The kids don’t need to be told. They are used to us hanging out anyway, I think no announcement necessary.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby afc » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:13 pm

Are you sexually attracted to him? Because you say this isn't a sexual thing.

I don't know, man. Rereading this it seems like you gave a great friend. Why is this such a bad thing?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:39 pm

I think there are two things at play here.

1- your sexuality: your confused and or might be coming to the realization that you are in fact gay, you should process that
2- your marriage is clearly over.

I would think you should handle #2 before dealing with #1
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby afc » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:55 pm

Oh missed this part "He wanted to kiss me. I said no, but I wanted to as well. I feel super guilty today."

Makes more sense now.

You could be gay
You could be bi


But you might just be more confused about how you can love a guy and have it not be sexual.

If you were gay or bi then surely before now there would have other guys who made you feel this way. You haven't mentioned any. That's pretty odd if you're gay.

This guy is your friend, a very good one and you love him. You can definitely love someone without having sex or kissing them.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Jan 01, 2018 7:30 pm

first things first, what is your game plan for divorce? Clearly this isn't working and I don't think you want to teach your kids to stay in a shell of a marriage.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby afc » Mon Jan 01, 2018 9:52 pm

Ok,

Let's put aside your friend for a sec.

If he weren't a factor, would you be thinking of a divorce with 3 kids under 10?

Do you have a career of your own so that if you divorce you can afford to support yourself?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby whatever_works » Mon Jan 01, 2018 10:03 pm

I agree with the questions from afc above. The impression I got was that your marriage seems to be over. But reading afc's questions, you probably need to do some soul searching first. Is your marriage really over or is it the lack of intimacy driving you to do other things. Lack of sex is known to impair judgement in men. ;-)
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