I’m having an emotional affair

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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby afc » Wed Jan 03, 2018 10:41 pm

And remember, this guy is married too.

Regardless of your feelings, you have _no right_ to interfere in his marriage.

Tell him, "after you divorce, after a year and all the kids are settled into their new lives then maybe we can try it

Anything less than that is unacceptable
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Thu Jan 04, 2018 1:08 am

I won’t see my wife until February so I’ve got some time to decide what I want to say to her.

ib536 We have talked about the issues and tried various things (or not tried them for a specific reason) before the added problem of my love affair. It’s been ages and I guess it’s worth asking again. I’m not hopeful because the problems are worse than they were before though. If we could work through it, that would be cool. I’m afraid it’s too late.

Chasbo For sure. I don’t have malicious feelings towards my wife. I know my post starts off with me outlining my affair that I’m having and that might indicate otherwise but I swear I never thought she deserves bad things. She doesn’t. The kids definitely love her and I’m glad they do. She has a lot of good qualities that they can look up to (in addition to her just being their mom, obviously).

afc We had a conversation yesterday and that’s basically what we decided. I am glad to see a third party say that’s a reasonable idea. We plan to continue as friends but with agreed upon and explicitly stated boundaries until (if) we’ve both been divorced a year.
We also need to be on the same page regarding telling our wives to avoid affecting each other’s marriages.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Thu Jan 04, 2018 10:10 am

What state?
The only way out is through.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Thu Jan 04, 2018 12:59 pm

North Dakota
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:55 pm

Ok so when she gets back, I’m planning to say along these lines:
-Our marriage sucks, do you want to try to improve it? I have some ideas..
-If so, first I want to tell you about my affair, do you still want to now?
-If not, here’s my divorce proposal, what do you think?

I want the divorce proposal basically done before I talk to her. I’m hoping it could be an amicable thing so I’ll be aiming for “reasonable and fair”.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to make a custody schedule. My wife has a variable work schedule such that there is no period that she is reliably free. But she also chooses to work this much, she could choose to reduce her hours by a lot if she wanted to / choose when to work (she works 70+ hours a week or so it appears).

My schedule is easy because I’m an elementary school teacher, I have more or less the same schedule as my kids. So she could have any time, it’s just a matter of finding a time that works for her.

Obviously it would help to get her opinion but I want to have a pretty good idea of what I’m proposing before I ask her anything. If possible.

Thoughts?
Also anything super misguided in this plan?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:58 pm

i'm guessing you were trying to be funny, but instead of running your trap, ask her what she thinks and shut your yap.

And to be clear, unless you have to, there is no reason to bring up the affair. You either want to be married or you don't. Infidelity is just an indicator that the marriage is over anyways (in my experience), so you gain nothing but to attempt to inflict pain needlessly hoping for a reaction of some sort.

Do you want to be married? Otherwise, what is so hard about the parenting plan? Her actions speak for themselves, so do you think a parenting plan will be that hard? You won't know what you're up against unless you ask her though but you probably have a pretty good idea of what you want already. Run those questions by the group and post on other threads.
Last edited by massdad1234 on Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby afc » Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:58 pm

Why call it an affair?

You have a close friend.

Why use the loaded word "affair"?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:17 pm

I’m not planning to tell her unless she wants to work on it. If she does want to work on it then I think she needs to know? But I doubt she will want to work on it so then I’m not really anticipating telling her.

If she does want to work on it then maybe I do want to be married. I don’t know. I mean I don’t but I really don’t want to lose my kids for any time. I’m assuming she won’t want 50/50 but WHAT IF SHE DOES? I know I said I’d cooperate with that (I would because I know the literature on it) but I’d die. That would be brutal for me. We’ve established I’m selfish lol. I’m scared of divorce because it’s unknown! I don’t know how things will change if we get divorced.

I don’t know why call it an affair. It makes me feel guilty so I think it must be something bad and I should use words that convey that I’m aware that it’s bad.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby gamingdad » Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:40 pm

If there is any possibility of recovering the marriage, I would NOT mention the affair.
That would put a permanent seed in her brain, and she will always wonder. And to be honest, you may become resentful when she expresses concerns of you cheating, even if you aren't.
You cant unring that bell
READ YOUR PAPERWORK BEFORE SIGNING! IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, ASK!
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby Trevor » Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:47 pm

That's not the only bell he can't unring.

He's trying to stay married to a woman when he's gay.
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