Feeling trapped- need some advice or guidance

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Feeling trapped- need some advice or guidance

Unread postby Chicyn2001 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:52 am

Dunkinfan99 wrote:My only concern is my kids and it’s hard not to feel like because I’m the sole income generator of this family that I’m going to get completely crippled financially. I’m confident I’ll get split custody of my children, but I want to be able to provide a decent life for them when they are with me.


Exactly! That was my biggest fear and what kept me in the marriage for longer than I needed to be. Keep focusing on the kids and the worry about finances later. I'm getting ready to go from a big expensive house to a tiny 2-bedroom apartment. I don't care about me but I'm still worried about the transition for the kids. I anticipate things being a little rough in the beginning financially but my main focus is how to make the most of my time with them. Quick story...my grandfather passed when I was in college. He had a little money and was fairly generous to my brother and me on b-days and holidays but, truth is, I never cared for him. While I was grateful for the toys and gifts I couldn't remember a single ballgame, concert, track meet, golf tournament, school function he ever showed up at. I played every sport I could in high school and, even though I rarely got off the bench, I resented the fact he couldn't make time to come watch me. Here's my point, provide what you can to your kids but when they get older they won't remember the latest video game you gave them or the couch with massage seats and cup holders you bought. What they'll remember is the time you spent with them. My STBX and I were fortunate enough to have taken the kids on some great vacations. The one they talk about the most? The weekend I took the boys camping at a state park. That entire trip cost me about $80 and we had the time of our lives.

Your posts show that the kids are your focus. That's where your mindset should remain. You got this.
Chicyn2001
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:15 pm

Re: Feeling trapped- need some advice or guidance

Unread postby dad2grls » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:23 pm

Dunkinfan99 wrote:My only concern is my kids and it’s hard not to feel like because I’m the sole income generator of this family that I’m going to get completely crippled financially. I’m confident I’ll get split custody of my children, but I want to be able to provide a decent life for them when they are with me.

I just want to have enough leftover to give my kids a decent life when they’re with me, not just their mother.


It's a reasonable fear. Odds are you are going to be paying a good chunk of your income in child and spousal support for quite some time. Hopefully get the divorce wrapped up before the end of 2018 before the deduction for alimony is scrapped, at the very least it's going to complicate matters.

You can get an idea of how much for how long by reading case law and also checking out the information available on the site I link below, which every divorcing guy should read. Edited to modify- you live in a crappy state for divorce, the courts have a LOT of discretion and don't base their support awards on a formula.

http://www.realworlddivorce.com/

From the site, specific to your state:

The child support in the Maryland scenario is determined by the mood of the judge and therefore the litigants could spend hundreds of thousands of dollars presenting evidence to persuade the judge. A decision by one partner to terminate a marriage after 10 years in Maryland could result in no alimony, alimony until death, or anything in between, depending on the mood of the judge. Thus potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees would be spent arguing about the fair duration of alimony.

Some good news though:

Unlike in neighboring DC, Maryland does not have a statutory presumption of joint physical custody, but in recent years judges have been more prone to award 50/50 custody..Shared physical custody results in a reduction in child support payments by the formula, starting when a child spends more than 35 percent of his or her nights with the non-custodial parent (128 overnights).

You're also only required to pay child support through 18 (or 19 in some cases) and cannot be compelled by the court to pay for college. Of course you might want to but you don't HAVE to which is entirely different.
dad2grls
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 203
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:27 pm

Re: Feeling trapped- need some advice or guidance

Unread postby astrolink » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:17 am

I don't have a crystal ball and there is no alimony calculator, but with your young ages, MD is typically going to offer alimony for long enough to make your ex employable. Being married for 6 years, I'd estimate it will be 3 years or less.

With that said, your spouse, who wants you to work 2 jobs so she doesn't have work beyond part time, will be working full time shortly so she can eat. It's called making your own bed.

With child support and alimony, you might be economically crippled to some point for a few years, but 3 years is not a long time.

To note, it sounds like you have already decided to move out of the family home. Will your spouse have the ability to make the payments and all costs associated with the home with your support? If not, the house will have to be sold, or she will have to work full time now, if that generates enough to keep it. Or she may move to an apartment, remain unemployed and go to school (which is what is probably best for everyone as she will eventually become self-supporting). Don't worry about that. The kids will easily adapt to whatever new living situation occurs. Your ex may not, but that's on her.
astrolink
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 791
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:54 am

Re: Feeling trapped- need some advice or guidance

Unread postby SoxFan1986 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:40 am

Welcome to the board and sorry to hear about your situation. A one hour appointment with a lawyer will give you an estimate of your parenting time post divorce with CS and alimony. That may motive you to take control of the financial situation at home...hint, hint separate bank accounts.

Your going to need a level head to get thru this. I recommend three small steps to get you in a better frame of mind:

1. Read the Book- The Rational Male by R. Tomassi
2. Join a gym and go a minimum of 3 times a week.
3. Have one hobby...anything really... golf, fishing, basket weaving.

Good luck and keep posting...
SoxFan1986
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 134
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:27 am

Previous

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu, dad2grls, lovingfatherof2 and 7 guests