Noob looking for advice

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Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:33 pm

So, I am mostly new here, used to have another username that I think I posted under, but can't remember it for the life of me, it's been a while. Anyways, on to my situation.

Married 12 years now, been with her since 2001. Have two sons with her, 9 and 10. Seriously think she has NPD. Have dealt with it for a long time and was never quite sure what I was dealing with, but pretty sure I have figured it out. It didn't used to be that bad, but it is now unbearable to deal with and have tried to keep it together for my kids. I live in FL but am not from here, from IL originally. I work in GA and commute weekly. She is not from the US, but S. America. We do not own, we rent. I am the main bread-winner and also do much of the housework, cooking, cleaning when I am home, etc. and try to do as much for my kids as I can. I am not a perfect father and the whole situation gets me seriously depressed at times that I just don't feel like doing anything, i.e. work, stuff with kids, etc. I know I need to get out, and as many times as i have been told by her to GTFO, I know that as soon as I were to start packing, she would flip the f out and ask me where do I think I'm going. So, I need to know what to do.

My plan has been to remove my possessions into storage when she goes back home with the kids to visit her family. I typically refuse to go anymore, because I am tired of all of them (her family). Problem is, not sure if that is the right move. She has been known to get violent in the past, mostly just breaking sh*t, but typically my sh*t, although she has not for some time now. Hence my desire to remove anything that is valuable to me while she is out of the country, i.e. guitars, family heirlooms, etc. Other problem is her mother lives just a few doors down from us and would possibly notice me moving stuff out and then tell my wife. Least of my worries, but still a concern since my wife would have my kids IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. I had thought about moving everything out, but my fear is it would be such a shock for my boys when they would get home, and I hate the thought of them seeing that, but I know it will be inevitable. My other thought, just this morning, was to just move the important stuff out (which would still be most everything of mine) and just leave clothes, etc... Just not sure if I have a right to take what is mine or not? I mean, many things I brought into the relationship, other things I acquired along the way that she would have no business wanting to keep other than to not let me have it and possibly sell it or destroy it. I am not interested in TVs or furniture anyways, since she doesn't take care of stuff and our furniture looks like crap. We have been through 3 couches in less than 10 years and the wooden furniture is all scratched up from moving, the kids when they were babies, and her. I just want the stuff that is personal to me and that I have gone to great pains to take care of.

My other problem is this: I do not want to live in this town anymore; it is expensive, I don't like the weather and I want to live where I work again. We have been planning to move back to the ATL area, but that comes and goes as Jekyll and Hyde come and go. If I were to have to move out on my own and live here, it would by tough to find an affordable place and have it be somewhere that I can bring my kids- housing here is very expensive and if it is cheap, it is a shoebox. So, how do I play that? Do I bite the bullet and stay for a while after I have moved out or should I just up and split? DO I wait until we have a house in ATL and then leave her and forfeit a house? Seems to me if I just split, it gives a bad impression, ie don't care about my kids, yet I work in another state, even though I am able to commute easily enough. If I wait until we move back to ATL (if that ever happens) then I am kind of stupid for buying a house and then giving it up. Though I'm not sure that she would still want to stay there, but that doesn't mean she would just give up the house. (Getting ahead of myself, I know)

I just want to be out and spend time with my kids the way I want to and raise them the way I had planned to, i.e. how I was raised, and not be criticized about it, because she doesn't feel the same way. The kids have always been the center of everything for her, which I understand as a mother is usually the case. However, when she was extremely overprotective of them when they were small, nobody could do anything right. Now that they are older, it seems as though she doesn't care. She coddles the younger one, who knows it and takes advantage of it, while she tends to pick on the older one, who also knows it and is developing a hatred for her already. Both aspects scare me very much. She (and her mother) lets the younger one drink Coke, Gatorade all the time (the older one drinks mostly water), hardly makes them brush their teeth, doesn't feed them anything except pasta and pizza and I don't know what else, lets them watch YouTube all the time on their iPads (which i pay for) and play Call of Duty type games and no matter my disapproval, she doesn't care. She exhibits bad judgement regularly. My 9 YO recently had a multiplication test and she gave him a crib sheet to use, because he has been having trouble, and he got caught with it. I would never have given him that to use. She joked that she told him to tell his teacher I gave it to him if he got caught with it! (She says she didn't tell him that) She then expected me to write an email to the teacher saying WE gave it to him, etc. What kind of example is that for them?? She has treated me like crap for years now, but the worst is how she (and her mother) have treated my mother. That is the most unforgivable thing to me and one of the main reasons I have decided that I can't go on with her anymore. How can I live with someone that treats my mother, not to mention me, the way that she has? I just don't see how it can continue. This is what I am dealing with and wish I could go back and change it all....

Anyways, I have THE LIST and have read some other posts on here and am trying to absorb it all. I have been keeping a journal for the last 5-6 years and it goes as far back as I can remember after we first met. It is over 150 pages long in MS Word. I have read in another thread, to not inject my feelings into it, but too late for that, because so much of what has happened to me has been so infuriating and I am not sure how important that is to keep it just factual. I have thought about going back through it to take out just the facts and create a sort of timeline with that info as others have suggested. The other thing is I don't have a DAR, but have found one that I am going to buy off of Amazon. I know for a fact that I will need that, as she likes to gaslight and resort to dirty tricks when it suits her. Typical narcissist.

In any case, I know there will be plenty of good advice and words of wisdom and I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one dealing with a person like my wife, but I know I am not, especially after reading just a handful of threads... And I apologize if this first post was long-winded, but wanted to make my situation clear and besides, I always like a good vent...
Last edited by flyboy0317 on Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby Outis » Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:50 pm

Leaving alone the furniture for a moment, what are your custody goals? When you say you want to spend time with your kids, what does that look like? And how will that time be impacted by a relocation to the Atlanta area?
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby Havalu7 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:52 pm

Brother help us help you particularly since you have been here before; use some paragraph breaks to space apart the wall of text I just blew past on my phone.

Some of us have smaller screens and will not read walls like you created.

Can you do an elevator pitch on your story? Say 8-9 story elevetor ride wih the judge to state your case?

Welcome back and lets see if we can help. Stepping away but wanted to respond.
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:06 pm

Outis wrote:Leaving alone the furniture for a moment, what are your custody goals? When you say you want to spend time with your kids, what does that look like? And how will that time be impacted by a relocation to the Atlanta area?


Honestly? I would love to have full custody, but with my job a judge would never grant me that unless my wife would just up and desert us. I have heard it happen to guys in my line of work, but it is rare.

That said, I want to spend as much time with them as possible to try to unlearn all the things my wife has taught them over the years, i.e. bad habits, etc. Maybe a fool's dream, but i have hope. Living in another state proves difficult naturally, especially with school. I would somehow like to have them for a good portion of the summer and maybe 1 or two weekends a month. Somehow alternating holidays of course. I have travel benies and would even be willing to buy tickets for them to make sure they get to me and back. My schedule is very flexible and it is changing every month, so getting the time off would probably not prove difficult. I get 15-17 days off a month as it is with 3 weeks of vacation. I don't know how else to do it. Staying in the town I am in is not at all desirable. And really, I want to put as much distance between my wife and myself as I can and only have to deal with her when it comes to the kids....
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:10 pm

Havalu7 wrote:Brother help us help you particularly since you have been here before; use some paragraph breaks to space apart the wall of text I just blew past on my phone.

Some of us have smaller screens and will not read walls like you created.

Can you do an elevator pitch on your story? Say 8-9 story elevetor ride wih the judge to state your case?

Welcome back and lets see if we can help. Stepping away but wanted to respond.


Sorry man, I kind of made paragraphs, but i know what you mean when it comes to reading a post like mine on a phone; been there done that and it is annoying...

My wife has been abusive, irrational, unreasonable, insanely jealous and has a terrible temper. She is a bad influence on our children and yet she would have you believe it is me. I am not perfect and the first to admit that, but I think i am a better father than she is a mother. I cringe at the thought of how my children are being raised and wish sadly that I had never met my wife or certainly that I had left her years ago. I just want what is best for my boys and in my opinion, that is what I can give them and I want to have as little to do with my wife as possible...
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:12 pm

Havalu7 wrote:Brother help us help you particularly since you have been here before; use some paragraph breaks to space apart the wall of text I just blew past on my phone.

Some of us have smaller screens and will not read walls like you created.

Can you do an elevator pitch on your story? Say 8-9 story elevetor ride wih the judge to state your case?

Welcome back and lets see if we can help. Stepping away but wanted to respond.


PS- I fixed my first post for ya.... :P
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:14 pm

Your wall of text is difficult to follow. 1) Needs simplification. 2) Needs paragraphs. Much of it will have no bearing on your case. You need to focus in the important stuff. Help us out here. Paragraphs need to 3 or 4 sentences, at most. Go back and edit some more.

Read The List again. Use as a template to build a list of your own. You should be keeping a well-written journal and parenting time tracker. You should also have a digital recorder up and running any time you're around her. It'll be your only defense against phony DV charges.

Speaking of DV - Breaking things in your presence is DV . You should be saving those things she breaks. It's prima facie evidence. When she breaks things, you should call police, press charges and get a TRO. Never drop any charges.

While she's gone, store important documents in a safe deposit box; in your name only; at a different bank, not a different branch.

Q: Who has possession of your kids' passports?? They need to be locked up in that safe box.
At a time like this, your kids must not leave the country.

Q: What is your STBX's home country?? It is a signatory of the Hague Convention??

While she's gone, load your stuff into a storage unit; in your name only; at a facility she knows nothing about.

You need to make her get a job. Cut expenses to the bone. Implement austerity measures.

Florida is a 50/50 state. Before moving to ATL, use that to your advantage. Lock that in before you re-locate. Terms and conditions of your FL decree will travel with you.

Commuting to work is problematic. If you expect to get anything close to 50/50, you will hafta make some changes - like getting a job close to home.

Tom
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:34 pm

Tom Kirkpatrick wrote:Your wall of text is difficult to follow. 1) Needs simplification. 2) Needs paragraphs. Much of it will have no bearing on your case. You need to focus in the important stuff. Help us out here. Paragraphs need to 3 or 4 sentences, at most. Go back and edit some more.

Tom


Understand the paragraph thing, that was my bad, i am normally much better about that and I did fix it, probably while you were typing this post.

As far as the DV goes, it's been a long time since she has broken anything, so never thought to keep stuff. Now, when she has had tantrums and damaged things, I have taken photographs. I also have a journal, mentioned that in my first post. Have not had a DAR since I have read in numerous places that I need a person's consent to record them, so never bothered, although I have always still wanted to get one and now I will for sure.

The passports are in her possession, meaning she has them put away somewhere, but I would be able to find them. She is from Argentina and I know about the Hague Convention because I have been worried before about her taking the kids down there and not coming back. As hard as it might be to believe, don't think she would ever do it. Not 100% on that, but highly unlikely. She is a narcissist. Most of the time she says a sh*t-ton of stuff she never means. Case in point, her constantly telling me to leave, but if I did start packing she would have a fit. Like I said, Jekyll and Hyde.

I already have a storage place in mind. We have a storage unit, but I would have to take my stuff out and transfer it. I already have my own bank account, but no branches here, so no safety deposit box. She already has a job, so it's not necessary for her to find one.

I have heard that about FL and actually you just reminded me of the advantage to filing here... A co-worker clued me in to that about FL, and he now lives in GA too.

My job is not one that I can just get anywhere, most notably not where I live. I live on an island at the end of the FL Keys so...not many choices. If I changed jobs it would be a massive pay cut and not doable. My job allows me to live where I want and commute as well as paying very well and I don't ever bring my work home. So, changing locations or jobs is out of the question...
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby Outis » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:37 pm

flyboy0317 wrote:Staying in the town I am in is not at all desirable.

Prioritizing where you want to live over time with the kids?

To each his own, but I think your priorities are a bit off, no? That Delta hub ain't worth missing time with the kids, man.
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Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:48 pm

Outis wrote:
flyboy0317 wrote:Staying in the town I am in is not at all desirable.

Prioritizing where you want to live over time with the kids?

To each his own, but I think your priorities are a bit off, no? That Delta hub ain't worth missing time with the kids, man.


No, it's not necessarily. I could give a sh*t about DAL, i don't work for them. At least not directly. However, it's not that easy. I have a mother who is going to be 70 soon. My father passed almost 20 years ago. She really has no one left in Chicago and it is tough for me to get up there. She will need help soon (i have neglected her for long enough as it is) and I am not going to continue to live down here, with the difficulties involved in getting up there, hence my desire to at least live halfway... If I had it my way, I would move back to CHI. And I know, she could always move to be close to me, but still don't want to continue to live here.

I know that sounds like I don't care about my kids enough, but I also need to think about my mom. And she has been through enough, losing her husband as young as he was, and then dealing with the sh*t that my wife has thrown at her and seeing how her grandkids are being raised. I think my priorities are where they need to be considering all that I have to deal with...

But duly noted.
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