Noob looking for advice

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:07 pm

afc wrote:Stop talking to your female friends (especially the one going through a divorce of her own) about how nuts your wife is.

_Nothing_ good can come of that.


Naturally not and there is not much else to tell anymore anyways; SSDD.
flyboy0317
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 39
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:45 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:14 pm

so if you had an issue with all these things, what exactly did YOU do, what specific actions did you take to teach them the skills to make better choices?

you can't talk your way out something you behaved into.
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1784
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 4:51 pm

Why is it that you keep assuming that I am flouting my responsibilities as a father??

massdad1234 wrote:you can't talk your way out something you behaved into.
And what the heck is that supposed to mean?? Something I behaved into?? What are you suggesting?

I have constantly encouraged them to read instead of watching TV. I buy them books and so does my mother. My wife and MIL but them video games and rent movies to watch, in spite of my objections. I tell my younger son that drinking all these sugary drinks are bad and try to get him to drink milk. My wife, and especially my MIL, feed him Coke any chance they get, again, in spite of my objections.
I set the sleep timer on the television and tell them that it's lights (and iPads) out when the TV goes off and I constantly check on them to make sure they are doing what I ask them to. My wife goes to bed and falls asleep.
I make sure they brush their teeth every day and try with all my might to get them to do it more than once a day. The younger one resists the most in that respect and will run to his mother when I insist that he is going to brush his teeth. Often times, she won't do anything. And when he sleeps over at my MIL's, who lives 3 doors down from us, she does the same things as my wife; doesn't make him brush his teeth and buys him Burger King and Coke.
I constantly say, hey lets do some homework and not leave it until the last minute and yet that's what my wife does. I clean the house and try to impart to them why it is good to clean frequently, yet my wife cleans maybe once a week, if that.
I almost have to beg them to go ride bikes together or go outside and play ball or something else along those lines....

I try and have always tried to do so many things and my wife always seems to be working against me, not allowing me to be a father, but she will be the first one to tell you that I am a horrible father. One instance that stands out for me, was when my first son was born. I forget how old he was, maybe close to 1 yr. and we lived in a condo in the Chicago area and I wanted to take my son for a walk to a park nearby in the stroller and give my wife a little break. You know what she told me? That i wanted to use my son like a puppy dog to attract women. Say what you will about that, that she is being immature, hateful, blah blah blah, but it is what it is, an illness. What kind of person, a mother no less, says that to the father of their children about their children?? That is not normal and that is not hatred. I know I keep harping on that, but that is what i continue to be told... But that is just one instance over a broad period of time...

I am not the bad one here, I try to do everything that is right and best for my boys, whether it is making them brush their teeth or go to bed on time or make them something to eat that is not pasta and french fries or mac n cheese. I try to do things for them they like at the same time, whether that be playing games or watching movies, etc... I end up having to be the enforcer of the rules and then I get that thrown back in my face, yet when she can't control them, she calls me. I do my fair share and that means in all aspects of my life, whether it is for my wife or my kids, etc...
flyboy0317
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 39
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:45 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 5:27 pm

so what are you going to do about it? Because I hear a lot of confessing your STBX's sins here. That isn't going to do a lick of good for you at all and how you are as a father.

My point is, your focus is in finding fault with your STBX - how she parents, how she cleans, her mental aspects, her mother, projecting onto her the reason why YOU can't achieve things in YOUR life. You get defensive when this is pointed out and you redirect back to pointing out flaws in others or manufacture an affront on your abilities as a dad.

If you want a better relationship with your kids, if you want better reactions/behavior, you can't explain your way to it, it will never work (you can't talk your way out of something you acted into). You must change from within, but you will never make those changes if you constantly put the solution into someone else's hands. You surrender your requirements in that change, because it will take action on your part.
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1784
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:20 pm

massdad1234 wrote:so what are you going to do about it? Because I hear a lot of confessing your STBX's sins here. That isn't going to do a lick of good for you at all and how you are as a father.

My point is, your focus is in finding fault with your STBX - how she parents, how she cleans, her mental aspects, her mother, projecting onto her the reason why YOU can't achieve things in YOUR life. You get defensive when this is pointed out and you redirect back to pointing out flaws in others or manufacture an affront on your abilities as a dad.

If you want a better relationship with your kids, if you want better reactions/behavior, you can't explain your way to it, it will never work (you can't talk your way out of something you acted into). You must change from within, but you will never make those changes if you constantly put the solution into someone else's hands. You surrender your requirements in that change, because it will take action on your part.


But that's the thing: I already know what I am going to do about it, but that's not the reason why I came on this message board. I came on asking advice as far as divorcing my spouse based on her behaviors and how I can best prepare for that should I choose to do it. I am not deflecting and I am not blaming her for anything that I can't achieve in my life. Given the chance to parent my children without her influence i believe that they would thrive as you say. My goal is to have my children in my life and be able to be the father that my father was to me, etc... I feel that my wife is not a good mother, she is trying more than anything to be their friend, letting them do all things they want to do and not enforce any limits or routines. I am merely restating the reasons why I feel that I will have a fight on my hands as well as why I feel that my wife is having a negative effect on them. My focus on finding fault with my STBX is purely to establish a pattern of behavior that is all. And i get defensive when I am explaining all of this in order for everyone that reads it to understand what I am dealing with and not just to be told my wife hates me and what am I doing as a dad is not enough.... That is not helpful nor again, the reason I came on this board. The few times that I have had my children to myself, when my wife has gone out of town or when I take them to see my mom, I am the father I want to be without my wife nitpicking and accusing me of being mean etc, so I don't have any problem with that. And I don't think I ever said that I am explaining my way into anything, I'm still not really sure what you are talking about. I am trying to teach them by example and being a father to them. I am not trying to fake it or whatever the heck you mean....
flyboy0317
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 39
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:45 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:31 pm

nothing you have describe will be any grounds from removing the mother from their lives, which is what you seem intent on doing. Your fantasy of her having some sort of medical issue that would be the basis is quite transparent. Lastly, you lay blame for the children's bad behaviors solely on the mother and take zero responsibilities yet think you should be given full responsibility. I'm sorry you are going through a tough time, but you need to stop focusing on the short comings of the mother and focus on being the best dad you can no, not when you exact your fantasy. The kids love their mother just as much as they love you.
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1784
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:46 pm

massdad1234 wrote:nothing you have describe will be any grounds from removing the mother from their lives, which is what you seem intent on doing. Your fantasy of her having some sort of medical issue that would be the basis is quite transparent. Lastly, you lay blame for the children's bad behaviors solely on the mother and take zero responsibilities yet think you should be given full responsibility. I'm sorry you are going through a tough time, but you need to stop focusing on the short comings of the mother and focus on being the best dad you can no, not when you exact your fantasy. The kids love their mother just as much as they love you.

:roll:

As I have said numerous times, I am not intent on removing their mother from their lives, but she does not make good decisions and that is proven by her actions and I have not listed them all. I have plenty of instances where she has exhibited poor decision making. Why is it so foolhardy to think that her behavior will have no bearing? I'm not looking for sole custody, because I know a lot more would have to happen for that decision to be made- I have heard from colleagues in my profession, which is a difficult profession to be granted sole custody in, and they have been given sole custody because of their wives erratic behavior so it is not a "fantasy"- but she certainly should not have that much say in most of the decisions that should be made for our children, because she has poor judgement. That is what I am looking for, nothing more. As well as protecting myself and my children from her.

And there is no "fantasy" about her medical issues. There is something going on and there is more than meets the eye. Just because you have not experienced it, does not make it null and void. You sound like you could be my wife's attorney for crying out loud.... I guess I know what to expect from whomever she hires. For that, and only that, I can thank you.

I do lay blame at her feet because without her, they would do the things they are supposed to do. Are you suggesting that I have not done enough? How should I have overruled her behavior? Called the police because they don't brush their teeth? If I were to insist on such things, she would simply go into a rage and then my children will get scared and I actually have gotten scared sometimes myself. This is not a "fantasy", this is MY reality as much as you would like to belittle it. I have seen the fear in my children's faces when my wife rages and I have had to step in to stop my wife from hitting them or screaming at them. That is not "fantasy". I have had my 10 year old tell me how much he hates his mother. THAT is also not fantasy. Yes, he is 10 and I'm sure he still loves his mother, but a 10 year old does not say that without a reason. I have also had to defend my younger son, her favorite, from my wife.... None of this is a shortcoming on my part, I have done as much as I can faced with the circumstances that I am faced with. I am sure that a professional psychologist would not be sitting there listening to my stories and tell me it is due to my shortcomings.....

You certainly do not talk as though you are an advocate for father's rights and I resent your constant tone in you posts towards me. You simply nay say everything that I have described and simply tell me it is a failing on my part. I doubt that a judge is going to listen to my stories of how my wife has gone into numerous rages and acted violently in front of our children and just shake his head and say, "you are just blaming her for your shortcomings as a father....." So far I have gotten some reasonable advice from some on this board and I appreciate that and thank them, but all I get from you is negativity, which you may claim is the reality, but I know better. I have not been the perfect father, I will admit that, but you will never get my wife to admit that she has been less than a perfect mother or wife for that matter, and that is the difference. I am the first to admit my shortcomings, whatever they may be, and my wife does not and never will no matter who tells her as much. My wife was married before and when she has raged at me in front of her family, which she did very obviously on a vacation with her sister and her husband where i had pizza smashed in my face, I was told that they have seen this before with her first husband. So, I am not imagining things, nor am I projecting nor shirking responsibility; in fact, I am the one that always takes responsibility for my actions and I apologize to my children for their mother's rages, something she also never does.

So please, respectfully, if you have nothing else to say other than I am to blame and I am creating a "fantasy" I would ask that maybe you should stop chiming in on my posts.....because it is in no way helpful. I have heard better from attorneys I have talked to.
flyboy0317
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 39
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:45 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:53 pm

What sort of proof, other than material generated by you, do you intend to offer the Court? Do you have an expert witness that can connect the mother’s behaviors with the children’s failure to thrive?

How are your children doing in school?
Volenti non fit injuria
User avatar
BartSimpson
20K Club
 
Posts: 27103
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:50 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby flyboy0317 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 9:41 pm

BartSimpson wrote:What sort of proof, other than material generated by you, do you intend to offer the Court? Do you have an expert witness that can connect the mother’s behaviors with the children’s failure to thrive?

How are your children doing in school?


My 9 year-old failed kindergarten and prior to that, when we were told by his teacher that he was failing, the school district wanted to have him evaluated to see what was going on with him. They sent home papers for us to sign, which I signed readily, without question. My wife refused to sign them, claiming that they just wanted to drug him. We were given the papers in November I think and by January she still had not signed them. By that point, we were told it was too late for him to be adequately evaluated in the time remaining in the school year.

My 10 year-old failed 3rd grade. We were already told that he should be repeating 2nd grade, but it was up to us to let him continue, which of course my wife wanted in spite of everything we were told. He was not allowed to advance to 4th grade however, that was per the school.

Both of them have received additional help, and continue to receive extra help, through the school district and have met with with specialists from the school district to make sure they are receiving the help they need. They also have had numerous private tutors over the last 3 years. My 10 year old is doing better, but is still getting extra help. My 9 year old has had issues this year as well, but also seems to be doing a bit better, but still gets extra help.

And no, I do not necessarily have anyone that can corroborate my wife's behavior with the children's failure to thrive. If i were to try to have that done by someone, I would seriously be afraid of what my wife would do. That would have to be something that a court might have to mandate.....
flyboy0317
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 39
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:45 pm

Re: Noob looking for advice

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 05, 2018 10:22 pm

Yes, you require an expert witness to report on the results of any evaluation.

Do you entrust the children to the mother’s care now?
Volenti non fit injuria
User avatar
BartSimpson
20K Club
 
Posts: 27103
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:50 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 10 guests