Bearing it All

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby fisher_dad » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:34 am

Oxy prescribed for arthritis in neck. Nerve blocks also on rotation for it.
You get what you put up with.

The List: http:http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374
fisher_dad
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:43 am

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:47 am

Somdomguy wrote:Oxy prescribed for arthritis in neck. Nerve blocks also on rotation for it.
Who told you that? And are you sure they said arthritis?

You are living with and enabling a late-stage drug addict and alcoholic, and your children are in grave danger - yet you think that the Court is going to punish you for rescuing these children over the mother? You are not being rational, and by continuing to expose your children to the mother, you are equally abusive.

Late stage - look, it’s impacted her employment, her marriage, her parenting, probably her relationship with her primary relatives. It’s resulted in numerous contacts with the police and CPS, hospitalizations and she continues with no effort at harm reduction. Late Stage means if not corrected, and the behaviors changed, somebody is going to die.

What you are feeling right now is Cognitive Dissonance - you have to turn and face the anxiety, accept it, and commit to changing yourself. It gets incredibly better when you just accept that you will feel anxious but committed to those children’s lives.
Volenti non fit injuria
User avatar
BartSimpson
20K Club
 
Posts: 27103
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:50 pm

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby fisher_dad » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:04 am

First hand from the doc Bart, I've seen the scans.

That's a strong argument.
The more I step back and look the more I've realized that I clung onto a goal I have no control over.

I want to take action but haven't seized the moment when I maybe could have so I've painted myself into this corner where I have to e hyper-vigilant. It's tiring, but I will not let down my guard for the kids. It's close to trial now, again. That's what I'm clinging to unless something goes down and I have to execute an exit plan.
You get what you put up with.

The List: http:http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374
fisher_dad
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:43 am

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:15 am

Watch this video, it’s about being stuck in quicksand. You never know when you might end up in quicksand.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7DGupVaIwEY
Volenti non fit injuria
User avatar
BartSimpson
20K Club
 
Posts: 27103
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:50 pm

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby Campfire » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:20 am

Som,

I was in a similar situation a few years back. My then STBX was an alcoholic that abused prescription meds that specifically stated on the labels "Do Not Consume Alcohol". Her behavioral swings were just insane when she was mixing. She would have total blackouts. Here's the rub; If you think it's scary for you, think how scary it is for the kids when they can't wake up mommy.

During one of my then STBX's benders, I decided to take our daughter out of the house for the night. She was acting crazily and I was concerned about getting arrested on a false domestic violence complaint. I couldn't leave our daughter alone with her, though, so I was in a pickle. She physically restrained our daughter and threatened to call the cops. I had had a lot of experience with our local PD by that point due to her calling them on me constantly with lies. None of my police contacts were positive. I was always the bad guy even though I had done nothing wrong. I was informed by the cops that the next time they come, I'm going to jail.

It was a tough decision but I called the cops (after getting bail set up). Low and behold, mom ended up being hospitalized for a suspected drug overdose due to the odor of intoxicating beverage on her person and the presence of certain prescription drugs on her person. 5 police squads and 1 ambulance. Additionally, one extremely scared 4 year old that wanted her mommy. The next month was not fun due leaving the marital home with our daughter just two suitcases. DCFS became involved. Emergency court hearing. Lots of tears and fears from D4. Brutal.

I was thrust into 24/7 care for our daughter literally that night. I had a full time job that required extensive travel and no game plan. I hadn't found this forum yet. You have a significant advantage by being here.

Look, there's nothing wrong with being afraid. This is scary sh1t. You've got to focus on what's important. I can tell you that things got far worse before they got better, but they did get better. This also gives your STBX a chance to right her ship. I look back on everything and realize that even though the divorce was unbelievably stressful and expensive, my daughter still has a mom. I don't think mom would have survived if I hadn't taken the actions I did. The money spent doesn't seem that bad in hindsight.
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
Campfire
2.5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 3084
Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:12 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby fisher_dad » Thu Dec 07, 2017 12:17 pm

BartSimpson wrote:Watch this video, it’s about being stuck in quicksand. You never know when you might end up in quicksand.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7DGupVaIwEY


Thank you Bart. I'm still learning how to do the last part, but I'm getting better at keeping perspective.

That's a nightmare scenario Camp, one I can identify with the night I locked myself in the bathroom with D1 and then called the police. I chalked it up to thyroid and PPD issues as was explained away by NJ. The foolish optimist steps in right there, I clung onto the illusion for a couple years after with more of the same calamity to come.
It sounds like you did the right thing going along with the guidelines Bart has been giving. If more guys knew the time when they need to take action and rightfully so like you had the gumption to do, a lot would be spared. Our own realities seem to get in the way of the actual for those that sit on their hands.
You get what you put up with.

The List: http:http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374
fisher_dad
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:43 am

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Dec 07, 2017 12:31 pm

There is, in your community, a domestic violence program. You qualify, and are exactly why they exist. Initially, they can provide you housing (usually a motel voucher for Dads with kids), counseling and proper understanding of the process to remove the mother. You need personal help with this process and not try doing it alone.

You need what we call the Alien Abduction Plan - if Aliens abducted the mother today, how would you handle the children 24/7/365? (Hint: I asked about G’ma . . .)

Securing the valuables and heirlooms should also be on your list.

Turn and face the anxiety, it’s part of it and there is no way to do what you need to do without it. And let’s make a plan.
Volenti non fit injuria
User avatar
BartSimpson
20K Club
 
Posts: 27103
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:50 pm

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby fisher_dad » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:03 pm

Could I go there based on some ridiculous things the mother said to/in front of her children and a pattern of escalating behavior coupled with physical altercation with myself/the children that amounts to 'harassment' not 'assault' as explained to me, and prescription drug misuse/abuse? Without an ironclad event to back it that option really worries me, especially at this stage of the divorce. I don't know the ins and outs but have read the horror stories and what 'could' happen.
It's scary at times, every bit of this situation.

Alien Abduction Plan is taken care of, all fronts.

Valuables/heirlooms done.

I'm able to clear my head at times, but feel a lack of footing and direction outside of the box I'm in though the steering towards trial with some pretty strong points does help.
You get what you put up with.

The List: http:http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374
fisher_dad
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:43 am

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby Campfire » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:08 pm

Som,

How often is mom mixing the pills and booze to the point she is incapable of caring for the children? How often does she become unconscious and is unable to be woken?
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
Campfire
2.5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 3084
Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:12 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Bearing it ALl

Unread postby fisher_dad » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:30 pm

It's at least weekly with alcohol use on top of the meds.The frequency increases depending on the stressors going on. That's a slowdown from prior to filing, or just better hidden.
It has been maybe 2 months since the last time she just disappeared middle of the day and was out cold for hours on end. just had trial almost happen again in Nov

That has been the pattern of behavior. Annually there has been at least one drunk and out of control episode ending up in myself and the girls leaving, or NJ leaving in a vehicle and me calling 911 to give a heads up for last few.
You get what you put up with.

The List: http:http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374
fisher_dad
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:43 am

PreviousNext

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Tom Kirkpatrick and 6 guests