Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby a dad » Wed Nov 15, 2017 2:01 am

The question isn't why is she dragging out the divorce, the question is how can you.

Build status quo of at least equal overnights for 6 months. Document in a parenting log. Bonus points for pictures of you with your kids.

Implement financial austerity by minimizing income & expenses. Don't give her extra money if she's getting covered by her mom. Status quo of this can negate ss.
User avatar
a dad
Moderator
 
Posts: 9591
Joined: Sun May 27, 2012 2:49 pm
Location: The Wild West

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby Snowblower » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:39 am

Campfire wrote:The DAR needs to run 24/7. There's a reason false domestic violence claims are called "false"; somebody had proof they were false. What happens when she makes up something but you weren't around her or expecting to be around her...?


Agreed, I need to do better. Case and point was last night when she started bullying my 8 year old because they said they wanted to come to my house. I went over there to talk to them to get them to understand but instead took them out of that house because of the way she was talking to them. I thought it was on, it should have been with the things she was saying to my daughter.

massdad1234 wrote:"your honor, she voluntarily moved out of the marital home x months ago and has been financially independent since then. I'm looking to formalize our 50/50 shared parenting plan agreement which has been status quo since before the separation"

This is where you step your game up and make yourself the path of least resistance to keep status quo. Let her know you will drop whatever you are doing no questions asked to watch the kids if she needs it. Anytime, anywhere, no questions asked.


I have been very lucky with work giving me flexibility to be late when taking them to school and picking them up and not making me travel as much for the last couple of months. Should be easy to do for the rest of the year but I have concerns when January starts.

Tom Kirkpatrick wrote:Lock in on issues of importance, things you can do right now:
Snowblower wrote:She has now moved out of the house.....
1) This is your chance to get Exclusive use and Occupancy of the marital residence. You should be making plans to file for this right now.

2) For school purposes, the kids stay with the marital residence. Children remaining in the marital residence is a best interest issue.
a) This'll set you up for primary parent.
b) Just because you're getting divorced doesn't mean your children's lives should be disrupted as well.

Snowblower wrote:....."renting" a house from her mom.....
How close is this house?? Same neighborhood?? Same school district?? Same town??

Snowblower wrote:.....we have somewhat of an agreed "co-parenting" plan where we are seeing the kids equally.
For establishing status quo, you need to be documenting your parenting time. Are you keeping a journal and parenting time tracker?? It's critical that you do.

You should also have a digital recorder up and running any time you're around her. It'll be your only defense against phony DV charges.

Snowblower wrote:She makes comments.....
Don't let her establish residence in your head. All discussions need to be "kid related," nothing more. If she starts to grind on you, tell her, "Sounds important. Send me an email." Whatever you do, don't let her draw you into an argument, especially an argument you can't win. That's where radio silence becomes an important factor. Learn to use it and use it deftly.

Tom


Yes, I have asked my lawyers to prep the exclusivity use and occupancy of the house orders. The upside is exactly that and I will implant in writing the equal parenting time and the downside is I will have to start paying for support and maybe alimony. Some have the opinion of save the money but the first time that she denies me my kids I am going to ask them to send it because I feel I am in a good position right now to secure equal parenting time. I think the best thing to do is take the advice of status quo and continue to expand and build the timeline.

What she is going to try to do is change their address to her new address. The reason is because even though the house is only about 5 minutes away it is in a different subdivision but is the correct one for their current school. Every year for them to go to this school we have to fill out out of district exception paperwork and also there are no buses. I think this was strategic by her to pick that neighborhood for that reason. I plan on telling her to not worry about the paperwork and I will still go ahead fill it out every year.

Lastly, she has not responded via email to anything that I have sent her. She is smart about that and does not text as much either, mostly calls. What is the best IOS app for recording the calls in case I am not on speaker or bluetooth?

a dad wrote:The question isn't why is she dragging out the divorce, the question is how can you.

Don't give her extra money if she's getting covered by her mom. Status quo of this can negate ss.


Yes, I have not giving her any money since the day of filing. I have provided all food, groceries and everything required for a family to live but have not given her any money. What do you mean by negate ss?
Snowblower
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:34 am

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:51 am

we aren't snowflakes. The courts need to keep making sausage long after you are gone and typically are understaffed, so there is a large workload. They want to move you through as quickly as possible, and one way to do that is maintain status quo.

If you willingly give the STBX funds without a court order, the courts will look to maintain that status quo that has been established in the marriage.

If you don't want to give the STBX any $ for spousal support after the marriage, don't start now.

Also, you talk to much, what does radio silence mean to you?
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1225
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby Broken Machine » Wed Nov 15, 2017 10:37 am

Yes, dragging the divorce does build up status quo. That is a very good pro to it provided you did secure a status quo that works for you. And don't take calls. Stick to email. I'm no legal expert but I would still communicate via email. Communicate in a way that will make her respond. Something like "failure to reply is giving consent to ......" whatever you are doing. Or something along those lines. Not sure if this will work but I say to not do anything through the phone. Besides, writing something down gives you time to go over it to make sure it is good to send.
Broken Machine
50+ Posts
 
Posts: 93
Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2017 7:35 am

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby Havalu7 » Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:06 pm

Bro spend some time making sure that digital audio recorder (DAR not DVR) is rolling. Bathroom break before your see her to make DARN sure it’s running. I even took a sharpie and colored over the red light area so that wasn’t exposed. My ex asked me several times what was in my pocket and I said it was my phone.

Do not be the next guy who comes back here saying “Aw shucks I should have listened to you guys and had that DAR on”.
”No.” is a complete sentence.

Do not move out of your house.
User avatar
Havalu7
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1672
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:43 am

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:35 pm

stop asking your lawyer and start directing. What does managing your attorney mean to you?
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1225
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby a dad » Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:08 pm

Snowblower wrote:
a dad wrote:Don't give her extra money if she's getting covered by her mom. Status quo of this can negate ss.
What do you mean by negate ss?
If she doesn't need your money during separation, then there's a case to be made that she doesn't need spousal support. With a 6yr marriage, it wouldn't be more than a couple years of ss anyway, but none is better.

You should be recording anytime you may be around her, especially like in your example of going to her place (good job on getting the kids away, too). These recordings are not for when she's bullying your kids nor are the recordings to collect evidence for court. The recording is simply to protect you in case she falsy claims dv. You record before you get there until after you leave, even just silence. If a cop at the door believes her over you, then that is the only time you ever show anyone your recorder as you playback the conversation or silence for the cop.
User avatar
a dad
Moderator
 
Posts: 9591
Joined: Sun May 27, 2012 2:49 pm
Location: The Wild West

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 7:56 am

Snowblower wrote:Case and point was last night when she started bullying my 8 year old because they said they wanted to come to my house. I went over there to talk to them to get them to understand but instead took them out of that house because of the way she was talking to them. I thought it was on, it should have been with the things she was saying to my daughter.

You stated you went over there to talk to them. Who is them? STBX? Kids?

Doesn't sound like this a scheduled exchange? Personally, I am surprised she allowed you to remove your kids on her parenting time? This sounds like a very high conflict situation. You better have the DAR up and running all times you are around your STBX.

I point the above out b/c you really need to be concerned about false DV claims. Just b/c you were successful the last time you went over there doesn't mean it will work out in your favor again.
LovingDadof2
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 169
Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2017 1:34 pm

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby Snowblower » Thu Nov 16, 2017 10:26 am

a dad wrote:
Snowblower wrote:
a dad wrote:Don't give her extra money if she's getting covered by her mom. Status quo of this can negate ss.
What do you mean by negate ss?
If she doesn't need your money during separation, then there's a case to be made that she doesn't need spousal support. With a 6yr marriage, it wouldn't be more than a couple years of ss anyway, but none is better.


Understood, have not given her any money and will not. The better and longer she can be in that house without any support from me the better.

LovingDadof2 wrote:
Snowblower wrote:Case and point was last night when she started bullying my 8 year old because they said they wanted to come to my house. I went over there to talk to them to get them to understand but instead took them out of that house because of the way she was talking to them. I thought it was on, it should have been with the things she was saying to my daughter.



You stated you went over there to talk to them. Who is them? STBX? Kids?

Doesn't sound like this a scheduled exchange? Personally, I am surprised she allowed you to remove your kids on her parenting time?


Yes, I was surprised as well and this was the first time anything like this has happened. I think reality is setting in and she is starting to lose her SH*&. I went over there to talk to the kids as the nj and I had an agreement about the whole inmates running the asylum thing and it was not going to be their choice where they wanted to be day to day and we would try to have a solid structured schedule for them. Since this was the first time there was a conflict I felt it necessary to approach head on and be very direct. When I got there she had that crazy look in her eye the only thing I felt like doing was telling the kids to get in the car and lets go and not let them witness what she was after which is a nice dramatic argument. I don't know......possible maybe she was having company come over (W) and needed them out of there too.

Also, for radio silence I broke this rule and every other list guideline the first couple weeks up to and into my divorce until I got on here. I no longer telegraph or discuss anything with her related directly to the divorce. We probably speak daily if it is something involving kids such as school or whatever. I call her phone or one of their tablets (facetime) every morning and evening I am not with the kids so I can establish the communication and routine to talk (see) them everyday to see how they are doing. Will be able to tone this down eventually but right now with the separation being very new it is good for them.
Snowblower
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:34 am

Re: Reasons for STBX Dragging Out Divorce?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 10:31 am

this appears to be a little excessive.
Snowblower wrote: I call her phone or one of their tablets (facetime) every morning and evening I am not with the kids so I can establish the communication and routine to talk (see) them everyday to see how they are doing. Will be able to tone this down eventually but right now with the separation being very new it is good for them.
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1225
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu and 7 guests