separated since aug 2016

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separated since aug 2016

Unread postby xfitizacult82 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:08 am

So she moved out Aug 16, I have 50/50 with her joint and legal of kids, and I pay her child support along with 2/3's of all bills for the kids. I've told her over and over I don't believe in divorce but in the end she is going to do what she wants to do. I'd say in the past few months we've done more together as a family than we ever have before. I know this goes against what a lot say on this forum, but I won't file for divorce. Family and my kids are the most important thing, and they want us together. Now the kids were smaller when there were issues so they don't remember much I don't think. But I see they are at their happiest when we are together, and so am I. So often times when I don't have the kids or she doesn't, we end up doing things together; running/working out, dinner, activities with the kids, etc.

I was feeling good between us, so I asked if I could take her out on a date, and this is where she put me in my place. Telling me, she has never thought of getting back together with me and never will. She told me this today, but came over to get the kids and helped clean up my house (guilt?) and I told her I was going to throw her wedding dress out on the porch, and she was visibly upset. She told me when she left she thought it was a good night for us.

See I'm caught because I want the family things so bad, and we do this more than not. And she tells me, if I love something enough then I should do, because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. This is after I told her I love being around her and the kids.

I do have needs though. She has to have someone to fulfill her physical needs and I'm there for everything else. Do I ask her that? Is it my business? I mean she was honest today, but I still think she cares deeply. Maybe not as deep as me, but something is there. I'm perplexed.
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby Havalu7 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:59 am

No just no.

See the bump on your first thread brother. ..
”No.” is a complete sentence.

Do not move out of your house.
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:17 am

Here's the problems. Basically, you're too available for her. She knows you want her and she can have you at any time. She has better options, even if that is no one.

Like a child's 'favorite' toy that never gets played with.

She knows you won't file, you've undoubtedly told her many times. There's no mystery with you. No romance. No thrill of the chase. No passion. You're not going anywhere other than follow her around, panting.

Here you are, wanting to be the guy that fulfills her mechanical needs because she needs someone, anyone, it might as well be you, right?

This won't change unless she sees you in a different light.
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:38 am

You're her backup/fallback, but more like anyone before you and a couple of woman maybe. Think about how you can't let this go and have lowered your value of yourself to nothing more than identifying as a couple and with a woman who clearly is using you.

She tolerates the groveling because you allow her to make yourself the cuckhold, you reek of it. It's the very stench that repulses her and essentially guarantees she will never come back. Your the guy she is going to lean on when her naughty boys make her mad.
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby xfitizacult82 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 10:53 pm

You're all spot on. My problem is I try and have this 'fraud family image' in my brain whenever I can. we aren't a family, it's fake. And yes, I'm the guy who does all the other sh#% with her, and when she wants to get physical she calls up her real man. It's real pathetic on my part. I'm going to have to say, her time with the kids is her time. She doesn't want me there but simply to fulfill a need for the kids, but it isn't my call why I'm not there, it's hers. Funny cuz she tells me all kinds of stuff that she's trying to do and all. And I'm like, uh why you telling me?

What got me was the other day she goes, "you had your chance and blew it." Pretty much she feels I'm beneath her. Really all I wanted was to be a family.

With the holidays coming up, another awful time. I used to love these days, but it's turned into who gets the kids at what time and where is that going to be, meanwhile I don't see them half the days. They're horrible days now.

I think very few guys have done what I'm doing. I really don't quit, and thought if she saw I didn't, there would be a change. But me not quitting has given her the ability to get what she wants out of me. A father when she has the kids, someone to help her out when needed, and the ability to shut the door in my face when the kids go to bed.
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby Me_and_my_boys » Sun Nov 12, 2017 9:28 am

xfitizacult82 wrote: I really don't quit, and thought if she saw I didn't, there would be a change.


It seems you've quit on yourself and your ability to be independent. Perhaps you're using the ex, the kids, the holidays and your notion of "family" to justify your co-dependence.

xfitizacult82 wrote:But I see they are at their happiest when we are together, and so am I.


Is your perception of your kids' happiness simply a projection of your own desire to be a "family" again?
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby xfitizacult82 » Sun Nov 12, 2017 1:55 pm

It definitely is my perception. Maybe I am dependent upon her. So my question is, how do I break from that? Usually when I don't have the kids on the weekend, I'll text and ask if the kids had a good night, then the conversation will go from there. Like yesterday, I asked, she suggested I come over and asked if I could bring over coffee and donuts, which I did. Then we all went to the gym together, then the store. We got back to her house and hung out with the kids until my buddies came over my house and I took the kids with me to see them. When that was done I brought them back to her house dressed for bed. I said my goodbyes to them and left. I'd say that to be a typical day when I don't have the kids.

I asked her what is going to happen when another dude is in the picture, she thinks I could still come over and hang out! That's insane!! that's not happening. If he's any type of dude he will want alone time with all of them, not baby daddy ex husband hanging around. No way would I do that either.
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sun Nov 12, 2017 3:59 pm

she is pushing your buttons. Who cares what she thinks at this point?
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby whatever_works » Sun Nov 12, 2017 8:42 pm

xfitizacult82 wrote:she thinks I could still come over and hang out! That's insane!! that's not happening.


Ya those donuts can be expensive! No way I am buying donuts and coffee for another man :lol:
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Re: separated since aug 2016

Unread postby Me_and_my_boys » Sun Nov 12, 2017 9:30 pm

xfitizacult82 wrote:Maybe I am dependent upon her. So my question is, how do I break from that?


See below:

xfitizacult82 wrote:Usually when I don't have the kids on the weekend, I'll text and ask if the kids had a good night


Stop.

xfitizacult82 wrote:she suggested I come over and asked if I could bring over coffee and donuts, which I did


Stop.

xfitizacult82 wrote:Then we all went to the gym together


Stop.

xfitizacult82 wrote:then the store


Stop.

xfitizacult82 wrote:I asked her what is going to happen when another dude is in the picture


Stop.
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