Separating, but kids?

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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:03 pm

Hmm . . . Some cognitive dissonance. You seem frustrated with my focus - but veterans of this forum know how military members respond and expect it. You might want to get to know the room, let me help.

I’m kinda new here, but I have actually seen a number of men from your State on this forum - enough that I understand your state’s guidelines. Many of these men in nearly your same situation - given the military assignements there. Your state is the exception to something, the word separation, so it is discussed here often. It is central to any discussion about your next steps, you cannot leave the house without an agreement - that principle doesn’t change for your state, it’s just a mediated separation agreement in your case.

I retired from the medical profession, and I have enough pieces of paper on my wall to call me Doctor - I have spent my life in the heart of the lion, I know exactly what your wife is facing in her career. The only one who is going to make money off her training is the school - “internship” is another word for summer job.

The difference in pay will never make up for the money she didn’t earn while seeking this certificate. I get it, there are sunk costs to her schooling and you couldn’t imagine stopping, but there is absolutely no reason to delay the divorce for this in your case, it won’t matter in your support obligation regardless. If you think letting her go to school two more years to get a job that pays a buck more an hour is going to change your obligations, it is the folly of a fool.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:03 pm

She hasn't worked in 11 years....


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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 9:10 pm

you realize there is a high probability that you will be coming home to an empty house after this deployment right?

Make no mistake, its either your kids or your retirement, can't have both. You can make all kinds of arguments, but you either make it to 20 and see half of that for the rest of your life, or you fight like heck to make sure you get 50/50 time with your kids now. I think your fantasy of the STBX finishing up school, becoming gainfully employed and dutifully watching over the kids and sleeping early every night while you deploy these last couple of years is just that.

Not only that, but you telegraphed your move. Again, maybe you have been in a different service than what i saw, but guys like you ended up being the carcasses we pointed to as reminders of careful what fox hole you jump in.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 9:20 am

massdad1234 wrote:you realize there is a high probability that you will be coming home to an empty house after this deployment right?

Make no mistake, its either your kids or your retirement, can't have both. You can make all kinds of arguments, but you either make it to 20 and see half of that for the rest of your life, or you fight like heck to make sure you get 50/50 time with your kids now. I think your fantasy of the STBX finishing up school, becoming gainfully employed and dutifully watching over the kids and sleeping early every night while you deploy these last couple of years is just that.

Not only that, but you telegraphed your move. Again, maybe you have been in a different service than what i saw, but guys like you ended up being the carcasses we pointed to as reminders of careful what fox hole you jump in.

I will not be coming home to an empty house. Not every divorce or deployment ends the same. This something that has been a long time coming, not a spur of this moment decision. Or to mention, her parents would not let her do that and she cares too much for the kids for them to see her do that. I got it lots of guys on here have had bad experiences, it there are different circumstances in every case. I have been in the RMY. OS 20years, and have see them go both ways.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 10:53 am

no you're right, the woman who can't stand the sight of you is going to make sure you get back from your deployments and retires before she does anything, that sounds like what we have experienced and what you have seen in your experience.

Nothing to see here, feel free to come back and tell us how smooth things went for you.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:12 pm

BartSimpson wrote:Hmm . . . Some cognitive dissonance. You seem frustrated with my focus - but veterans of this forum know how military members respond and expect it. You might want to get to know the room, let me help.

I’m kinda new here, but I have actually seen a number of men from your State on this forum - enough that I understand your state’s guidelines. Many of these men in nearly your same situation - given the military assignements there. Your state is the exception to something, the word separation, so it is discussed here often. It is central to any discussion about your next steps, you cannot leave the house without an agreement - that principle doesn’t change for your state, it’s just a mediated separation agreement in your case.

I retired from the medical profession, and I have enough pieces of paper on my wall to call me Doctor - I have spent my life in the heart of the lion, I know exactly what your wife is facing in her career. The only one who is going to make money off her training is the school - “internship” is another word for summer job.

The difference in pay will never make up for the money she didn’t earn while seeking this certificate. I get it, there are sunk costs to her schooling and you couldn’t imagine stopping, but there is absolutely no reason to delay the divorce for this in your case, it won’t matter in your support obligation regardless. If you think letting her go to school two more years to get a job that pays a buck more an hour is going to change your obligations, it is the folly of a fool.

Thank you, that actually gives some perspective to it and I appreciate it. I am not sure how long I will be remaining on the site though, because of the fact that it is supposed to be a site to help fathers /Dad’s (which is why I came), and all it seems like is I have gotten responses that are more like kicking a guy when he is down, not directed at you but some others on here. I understand some guys got the raw deal, but not every situation is like that, maybe I am being a little naive, maybe not time will tell.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:26 pm

You seem convinced of your wife's plan of action.

What is it you need help with? What are you seeking?
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:34 pm

Fatheroffour wrote:You seem convinced of your wife's plan of action.

What is it you need help with? What are you seeking?


Honestly, just tryin*to piece my life together and see if it is worth waiting it out for her to finish school, or ripping the band aid off. Was hoping others had similar experiences, it does not seem to be the case. So will probably just read through the posts and see what I can gather. The o oh informative info came from BartSimpson (hard to write that name without chuckling), everything g else seems like you guys don’t think I know my wife and how she was brought up. She was brought up In a catholic Home, were her parents had a big influence on her and would not let her actively screw me. We both knew it was coming, we were just waiting to see who would be the one to initiate it. We have talked and are trying to keep it amicable , but at the same time, I know most say they want this. Just going through a lot.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby BartSimpson » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:48 pm

It is impossible to satisfy everyone. The help you expected may not be the help you need?

Sometimes, the initial feedback we get is similar to yours. It’s not the majority by any means, but it happens. What the newcomer doesn’t know is we intially engage in a certain amount of triage, weed out the men who will not benefit from our help, and women pretending to be men to post here.

Alternatively, participation averages years for men who fit. There is a transformation eventually where a member goes from discussing only his own situation to considering and commenting on other Dads threads - and that is where the real value of this forum comes.

There are alternatives, like the Forums at FreeAdvice.com, but each has it’s own style and their’s is strictly legal answers (we are a tactics and strategy forum). However we know that their tone, presentation and delivery is intended exactly as ours (to provide help to the poster) and they get the same complaints about kicking the man down.

A long term moderator, Jehr, was an Army Officer from NC if I remember correctly - who knows, you might know him. Check out some of his material if you have time - his story remains one of the saddest on the forum, his child died in an accident after Jehr managed to resolve all of his custody issues (mom was a drinker).

Military members have it tougher in divorce because of their obligations to the service - it always boils down to careers or custody. You are fortunate because you are near retirement. I will suggest that Army is better than Air Force in acceptance of our advice - Air Force members tend to be very challenging to us.



As an aside, today is Veterans Day, and I too am a Vet - I was a commissioned officer in PHS (a favorite trivia question is name all 7 branches of the military, nobody ever gets PHS or NOAA). I extend to you the same as you would to me - thanks for stepping up and protecting us. Be well.
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Re: Separating, but kids?

Unread postby Havalu7 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:56 pm

EDIT: See Bart posted as I typed. ..

OP thank you for your service and all of the other Vets reading this today!

OP just like underestimating the enemy in combat is one of the cardinal rules that will guarantee your force's defeat, not realizing that ANYONE (including your STBX) is capable of ANYTHING. I'm not saying she IS going to leave you before you retire but you must plan for that and all options and moves she may make. it all may work out with you two as unicorns riding the rest of your lives on a rainbow to paradise; but it may go all to heck. Plan for the worst.

Make a plan that included options based on her moves. Stop telegraphing your intent by using radio silence.
Fine tune your DGAF meter. Read up on the many many threads here that are very similar to yours.

They guys and auxiliary here will help you but YOU have to toughen up your skin and absorb the advice without getting all behind hurt. You have some of the best here helping you as they have helped me and other boots.

You will succeed with great strategy you just have to be open to it. You CAN do this soldier.
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