Time to get this started

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Time to get this started

Unread postby FeMan » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:16 pm

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have 7 year old twins, one boy, one girl. Wife had an affair 10 years into our marriage. We reconciled,  then had kids. I found out almost a year ago that she had another affair.  I took steps to end the affair,  and she claims that it is over.  She says she doesn't know what she wants anymore.  She still acts like the affair is on, but since she has discovered my methods of gathering evidence, she has gone deeper under cover. I wanted to keep our family together for the sake of our kids,  but the more I learned about OM #2, the more I realized that I need to end our M and keep him away

 

OM is a real gem. Pled down and convicted of attempted rape, unlawful dealing with a child. Was originally charged with 3 counts rape of a child. This unfortunately happened before the registry was created. He was also convicted and jailed for hiring thugs to help him kidnap and beat up his XW's boyfriend.  He gave my STBXW a song and dance she still believes,  despite seeing the court documents.  She has let the kids sit on this guy's lap for a tractor ride. I told the kids he was a bad man, and they have let me know if they saw him anywhere.  I made it clear to W that they are not to go near him. Unfortunately he is the grandfather of daughter's friend and goes to school events.  He also lives right around the corner.  He has threatened me via text, but W deleted the evidence.  She has since been locked out of all devices.

 

She sleeps in the same room as me to keep the kids in the dark. She sleeps on top of the sheet to keep me away, even though I can't imagine being with her at this point.  She made it clear she is not moving out, nor will I.

 

I have read the list,  and will reread and absorb the info. I spoke with lawyer, and feel hopeful that court will grant TRO against OM. I am scrounging to get the 5K for the retainer. I am getting a new DVR tomorrow,  since W discovered the last one. It is how I discovered the affair. I will keep the new one on my person at all times.

 

We own our house in western  NY and have around 60% equity. We have no savings. W's father is wealthy and will pay for her divorce attorney as he has for her sisters.  W is currently in the dark about my plans. I asked her to go to a Weekend to Remember retreat, to which she agreed. If nothing else perhaps it could help us to be civil through this mess.

 

Now for my questions...

Should I spend my meager funds to find evidence of the ongoing affair now? If the court grants a TRO against OM, I would accept 50/50 custody. I'm not sure what benefit additional info would be since NY is no fault.

 

Wife was primary earner before our kids, but a SAHM for 7 years. Is alimony in my future?  She has a trust that will start paying out within the next year or two, and I think she can withdraw some now on an annual basis.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby BartSimpson » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:37 pm

The Court will not grant a TRO against this man based on anything you have presented, and the affair is not related to custody.

Now what?
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby TJinCA » Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:34 am

I don't think her adultery, even if proved, will make a difference to custody, support, property division or alimony. So in my opinion it's not worth wasting a dime or an iota of energy on. File no:fault and work toward a fair settlement. Anything else is just money in the lawyers' pockets, and it sounds like she's got more resources to throw at that than you do.

The trust, if it's real and she can take distributions, should be a consideration in her need for alimony. But judgement alimony is usually highly subjective, the judge has a lot of discretion.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Nov 07, 2017 6:33 am

You are in the right place, now just keep showing up. You will get through this, but your thinking will need some calibration.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby FeMan » Tue Nov 07, 2017 7:54 am

I agree my thinking is skewed. That is why I am here, for clarity and collective wisdom.
What would it take to get the TRO ? Do I have no recourse to keep this creep away from my kids? The attorney I spoke to said that the court would likely grant the TRO based on the documents I showed her. Was she just blowing smoke to get her retainer?

I am not seeking sole custody, nor will I try to seek a fault D.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:36 am

you need to take a step back and look from 10,000 feet. Your primary focus should be custody, can you focus on building a case for you having at least 50% of the time with the children? A case that talks about verifiable actions you have taken in the children's best interests?

Examples:
Nighttime routine?
Morning routine?
School routine?
Medical appointments
After school activities?
Sports activities?

Can you make that case without mentioning the mother at all? even better, can you demonstrate that you already work together in the best interests of the kids?

Lastly, what are you doing in terms of self reflection and growth? I have been a big believer in investing in emotional intelligence as a good reference text to focus on.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby FeMan » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:50 am

I am present at all school activities, and get them ready for bed every night. My wife takes them to school, but they could also ride the bus. She generally takes them to Dr appointments, but my work schedule is extremely flexible. I am den leader for son cub scouts den. I take them to soccer games and practice. I have been an active equal partner in the raising of these kids. If not for exposure to a rapist, I would say we both work together in the best interest of the kids.
I will look into the reference suggested.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:56 am

first things first, you need to get a digital voice recorder on your person ASAP. this is to prevent you from being removed from the home on false domestic violence charges. Otherwise, the two of you should be able to stay in the marital home.

Have you read the list and are you making one of your own? Where does the wife get her money? Lastly, I would keep your mouth shut about anything divorce related. Let her think this is another time where she does what she wants and gets you to accept it.

You need to stick around. This place will point you in the right direction, but you will need to confront some irrational beliefs on what the courts are and aren't and what your rights as a parent are.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Nov 08, 2017 8:49 am

Have you had sex with your wife since you discovered the most recent affair? If so, that takes a lot of steam out of an at fault divorce action for infidelity (lookup 'condonation').
The only way out is through.
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Re: Time to get this started

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Nov 08, 2017 11:42 am

I am not seeking sole custody........


Why not?

While I don't do background checks on everyone I hear about, if the kids mom was bringing them around a child rapist she would have to go to court to have the kids in her care, because wouldn't allow it .
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