The long and short of it

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

The long and short of it

Unread postby 13astage » Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:58 pm

It started in 2014. A separation. A reconciliation. Some experimentation in between. It took over a year to get to a state of near normalcy, but it was never quite normal. After another couple of years the wife still didn't feel right. Still thought I was the cause of the not feeling right. Nothing we seemed to do was working.

I was cleaning this weekend and happened upon a letter addressed to me. Wife revealed she wanted a divorce, but I wasn't sure if it was the usual flight of fancy idea borne out of the usual problems. I left the note out where she would know I had seen it. She didn't have much to say. I asked if that was how she was feeling or how she is feeling. She went over those same old tracks of how she has always felt that way. Always.

I made one last half hearted effort to try to bring her back to a secure feeling. Truth be told, I was weary of the process. She was too. It comes down to she doesn't feel like she has an option to leave because she is debilitated emotionally, mentally, physically. She makes an effort to work but doesn't hold down a job. I am to blame for taking care of everything, house, bills, kids, yet if I didn't do those things they wouldn't get done. At least they wouldn't be done in a way to avoid let fees, penalties, and notices from the school about tardies and attendance interventions.

It is coming up on Christmas. I have taken on another job to try to give the kids something. Meanwhile I am under constant stress, living with a person who hates the sight of me and thinks I am trying to sabotage her at every turn. The paranoia has been cranked up to 10,000 even though I keep trying to reassure her that I want to do the right thing. I want what is best for her and the kids. The kids need a mom they can respect and look up to and I have no desire to beat her down or make her out to be some evil person.

Nothing I say matters, though. I simply have to endure what is coming and hope I don't end up in an exceedingly bad position.

I suppose I am hear to try to figure out what I can do to protect myself and my kids. I am afraid. Deeply afraid of the courts and the way this could go off the rails at any time because on party is emotionally unstable. I am afraid if I try to outline my fears that I will be attacked by those who think I am some deadbeat who doesn't care or that perhaps I am lying to save my skin. Well... this is the truth as best as I can relay it.

Wife was presented every opportunity to get her life together but didn't. She isn't working, doesn't want to work, has worked in the past but has quit every job after a short period, and makes excuses for it every time. Most of the time the excuse is that I am to blame. I didn't chain her to the refrigerator and make her stay home with the kids. She had choices. She had support. She had my desire for a second income in the family. It simply never manifested.

Wife rarely did chores. When I say rarely, I mean in 10 years I could count the efforts in the dozens. She cooked dinners and occasionally made other meals, but I did the laundry. I did the dishes. I cleaned the bathroom. I tidies the house. I mowed the lawn. I took care of the bills. I went to all the parent teacher conferences and made sure all the school stuff was managed. I bought the presents. I took the kids to the park. I did the shopping. I did almost all of it. No exaggeration. She helped on occasion, but not enough to be someone I could rely on.

If she were to ask, Colorado would grant her 45% of my gross income. On top of that, 6-700 in child support. What remains is not enough to even rent an apartment in Denver let along pay for the rest of life. I have no family. None. I have no friends. None. I would be on the street, homeless, working so she could give herself and the kids a life. This person who has not proven at any point to want to be an adult and manage adult responsibilities will be the only hope the children have.

Maybe I will get < parenting time >.

The last time we decided to divorce, we went through bankruptcy and filed. We didn't follow through (my mistake, but I was trying to keep my family whole) so I have no idea how a previous filing comes into play. I can't afford a lawyer, and even if I could, what would that accomplish? Every penny paid to get out of this contract is another penny my kids don't have.

Meanwhile here I am, talking into the internet box just to get some of this stuff off my chest. I can't find a support group that isn't charging a mint, I have tried talk therapy and that was a waste of money and time. I suppose I am not really looking for advice because I have no pressing problem, only worry, fear, and the potential for disaster.

So yeah. Sorry for the length. Know that I do own my contribution to the problems and I am not innocent in this. I am not trying to make her the villain either. If I did, I didn't mean to. This whole thing is hard to explain and I am not in my right mind. I am merely trying to outline the situation and express my fears. I may keep this updated with my experience but who knows?
13astage
New
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:28 pm

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby Outis » Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:01 pm

How long have you two been married? How old are the kids, and what are their genders?
What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
User avatar
Outis
5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 8245
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:13 pm

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby Havalu7 » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:40 pm

Welcome OP!

Do not even think about moving out brother.

After you answer Outis's questions read up on the threads here as to WHY you should not move out.
”No.” is a complete sentence.

Do not move out of your house.
User avatar
Havalu7
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1672
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:43 am

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby TJinCA » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:51 pm

Just taking one paragraph...

13astage wrote:
If she were to ask, Colorado would grant her 45% of my gross income. On top of that, 6-700 in child support. What remains is not enough to even rent an apartment in Denver let along pay for the rest of life.

Not saying you're wrong, but this doesn't sound correct. I think the max would be 40%, and that's if your wife had no income and no way of earning any. If she's capable but voluntarily unemployed or underemployed you should be able to get her imputed with the income she's capable of making and reduce your spousal support obligation further.

Think of child support as money that you'd be spending to support your kids one way or another, even if you were still married.


I have no family. None.

Well, you've got kids...

I have no friends. None.

Find some activities or hobbies. Join a book club. Volunteer. Take a class. You can make some friends...

I would be on the street, homeless, working so she could give herself and the kids a life. This person who has not proven at any point to want to be an adult and manage adult responsibilities will be the only hope the children have.

If this is really true, then you need to go for full custody of the kids which would eliminate child support (or maybe require her to pay you) and try to minimize spousal support with imputed income to her. And if this is really true, what are you options? Stay married to her?
TJinCA
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 288
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: Orange County, CA

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Nov 07, 2017 6:31 am

OP - first things first, digital voice recorder,get one today and report back make and model.
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1224
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby 13astage » Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:03 am

It will be 10 years in December. 2 kids of each gender. I am not moving out so no worries. The overarching issue here is that marriage is a contract, and if there were no kids it is pretty easy to dissolve that contract. Neither of us want to have the state involved in the life of our kids just because we couldn't manage. As it stands, you cannot dissolve the marriage contract without entering into new contracts involving the state. Reality is, the child support system is only there to generate money for the system. If you are saying just because I am divorcing I am not going to "support" my children, then you have no idea what kind of father or person I am. What I do not need is an organization to tell me how much is enough and doubly that I have to give this money to a person who cannot display any sort of responsible behavior.

This isn't about being a deadbeat dad and not wanting to assist the mother financially. I have provided for my kids their entire lives without having to be coerced. I don't plan on needing to be coerced in the future.

Child support is "voluntary" in the legal documents, but it gets a bit sticky form there. A mother does not have to prove she is the mother so her enacting a petition to get child support from the father puts onus on her to prove paternity. I could deny paternity, and I do not have to give evidence against my will. What I would lose by doing so is < parenting time > or parenting rights so that is not an option.

The voice recorder is a decent idea only because Colorado is a one party consent state. At the same time, does it really matter? Does she not have the option of changing her mind?
13astage
New
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:28 pm

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby TJinCA » Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:16 am

I'm not an expert on child support but I believe the concept is that it's based both on income differences and on who has primary custody of the kids. The more custody you have, the more it's assumed that you're providing "in kind" support and the less you have to pay to the other party to support the kids when they have custody.

In most states I don't believe that custody is automatically awarded to mom (although I'm sure there's bias), especially if your STBX is the kind of basket case you describe.

So what I'm saying is fight for as much custody of your kids as you can and support them directly rather than paying your ex to support them.

Regarding paternity, do you have any real doubt that the kids are yours?
TJinCA
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 288
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: Orange County, CA

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby Minerva » Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:28 am

My experience with the "I'm not sure what I want" mentality means she's getting the side D...

You're not really married anyway though, sounds like you have a 3rd child in your house. What made you lose your balls exactly?
Minerva
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 380
Joined: Fri Jul 26, 2013 9:57 am

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby Campfire » Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:40 am

13,

I'm not good at complex math. Just to clarify, you have 4 kids, right?
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
Campfire
2.5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 2914
Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:12 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: The long and short of it

Unread postby 13astage » Tue Nov 07, 2017 1:06 pm

Cripes. I was hoping this would be a helpful place, but alas it is just a forum so I don't know what I was truly expecting. 2 kids. yes I know for a fact they are mine. Just because some of you likely got hammered by your ex-wives does not mean that all women are a certain way or that my experience has anything familiar with yours.

The issue here is trying to find a LEGAL way to dissolve the contract without entering into a new contract. I don't need to be told about the circumstances of my relationship or comments about the type of person I involved myself with. I honestly do not care about your opinions about me, or my spouse. I don't need to be told she is a horrible human being. Glass houses.
13astage
New
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:28 pm

Next

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests