How do you cope with the loneliness?

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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby gamingdad » Fri Nov 03, 2017 5:36 pm

cristis wrote:I've been to another AA meeting today, in a new place, and I was about to talk about the same thing (I didn't have the chance).

Did the secretary ask if there were any burning desires? That would have been a good time to say something, even if it's just introductng yourself.

cristis wrote:Most people there talk about their alcohol dependency scared like Hell, even after 10/20/30 years of sobriety. Many of them did/do horrific things when they get drunk. Some of them came out of jail.

This is done to keep it fresh in the mind of themselves, because over time, people have a tendency to start romanticizing the drinking portion, and end up forgetting about what it could have or did cost them. And by sharing that, it also helps take away some of the terminal uniqueness that newcomers may feel when they first arrive, thinking that they are the worst of the worst, or that they aren't like the others, when in actuality, there are more similarities than differences.

cristis wrote:Many girls/women I've met have a huge anger management problem, even when they are sober (or rather because of that).

Why are you talking to the girls/women? Try talking to the men.

cristis wrote:The other day I was afraid a teenager in a meeting will get violent. Some people say they are sober, but they speak like they're drunk. Could be brain damage, could be they still are and lie...

Wetbrains, or they are there as a nudge from the judge. Just becayuse someone is sober, doesn't make them sane. People can still do screwed up things and have horrible character flaws in sobriety. Dry drunks..

cristis wrote:I didn't taste whisky until I was in my 40s, I didn't like it. I had a beer or a glass of wine here and there, that's all. When I started to drink more and more was only few years ago, after I quit smoking. This year alone I became aware of this poison and did not drink for 8 month. I simply went cold turkey and did not think about it anymore. Recent events made me use again the alcohol, in a specific context. But we did not split up because of this. For the last few weeks, it's been both my poison and my "medicine", to forget a bit about the current situation. But I never get drunk, never get violent, I drink always at home before going nicely to bed. Without it, I'd get depressed like hell.

And maybe your not an alcoholic. That could be possible as well. Sometimes people are just binge drinkers or problem drinkers, and it has been my experience that if the underlying issues aren't resolved, it could turn into full blown acoholism.

cristis wrote:But I'm also sure I'll go cold turkey again, once my social life starts improving. I was thinking going to those meetings afterwords and showing off those people I did not have to apply any silly "steps" or pray God for my next years of abstinence.

And hats are off to you, but in my almost 23 years, I've yet to see someone come back in and say how wonderful it is out there drinking.

cristis wrote:So yeah, "Bro", I'm in the exact same basket as these nut cases if you want. Have a nice day.

Normal people don't usually question their drinking habits, or find ways to control it.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:19 pm

so OP - whats the deal, kids with the STBX?
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Sat Nov 04, 2017 12:21 pm

OP,

I read your thread and will offer what I can.

1. If you are in the throes of divorce the regular drinking to the point you get drunk is a bad idea. You need to be clear minded and focused because this will be the fight of your life. So since you seem to say it's an issue of some degree, then maybe the best thing to do is take it off the table and stop until you are free and clear of your marriage.

2. I couldn't tell if you have kids, but if you do... I would DEFINITELY stop until this is over because your stbx will use it as ammo and destroy you with it. How do I know? Because I lived it, and I continue to deal with the fallout even though my divorce has been final for some time. Do you have kids? If so, what ages and what is the custody plan?

3. If you're lonely, then reach out to your trusted friends and tell them. I guarantee that people will be open and helpful to you. But if no one knows your depressed and in need of some friendship, then they can't help you. I found that being open and letting people know what I was going through brought me even closer and now I know that I have friends who will walk through fire for me if I need it (and I will do the same for them).

4. I also have experience with AA and don't wholly disagree with your assessment of the program. You really need to be careful about your level of buy-in depending on your personality type and what your situation is. But I found there is a lot you can get if you find the right groups that is more about life issues we face in middle age and how to deal with non-substance related challenges. I went for a while, got what I needed out of it, and now that my life has calmed down and I'm out of the hell I was in during the divorce, I don't go but am grateful for the people I met there and stay in touch with a few.

5. You may or may not be an alcoholic, that's only something you can decide. I think it's a common thing for people to quickly assess someone as an alcoholic when they may be going through a period where they are simply drinking more (or too much). I know many many people over 50 who, at some point in their life, went through a period where they drank more than they should and maybe WAY too much, then they scaled it back to a responsible level. My point is that based on your statements you really need to be careful and not allow yourself to slide into a place you can't get out of; being a helpless drunk. I know plenty of people who woke up and found themselves there as well.

We are here to help, but you do need to accept and respect the elders of the forum like Tom, Bart, etc. These guys are here out of the goodness of their hearts to help those going through the hell of divorce. I understand the tone can sometimes feel harsh and off-putting, but I had to learn that this is a no bs place and that took some getting used to.

Good luck and get out in the world, it's way better than isolation and being alone.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby cristis » Sat Nov 04, 2017 12:48 pm

FlyGuySLO wrote:We are here to help, but you do need to accept and respect the elders of the forum like Tom, Bart, etc. These guys are here out of the goodness of their hearts to help those...


This was totally unnecessary... :( I have no idea who Bart is, and with Tom I had a simple disagreement but a civilized exchanged at the end, no need for lecture...

...Thank you everyone, but I'll back off now, I'll no longer visit this topic. I take what was good and your good intentions, but I apologize, I'm simply not in the mood when some big egos show up. Life is too short for this.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby Outis » Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:23 pm

cristis wrote:Thank you everyone, but I'll back off now, I'll no longer visit this topic. I take what was good and your good intentions, but I apologize, I'm simply not in the mood when some big egos show up. Life is too short for this.

You can just as easily ignore him if you like, instead of using that as an excuse to cut off an uncomfortable conversation about your drinking habits and the need to change as a man.

You never did answer about SMART Recovery and alternative means to AA. Then again, running from talking about your deficiencies does seem to be your forte.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:23 pm

OP-- I know how tough this is to go through as I'm going through it right now, too. I'm also very isolated and lonely. It lets your fears run wild in your head. But, please listen to the vets on here. The kick in the butt they give sometimes is very helpful to make you stop feeling sorry for yourself and take charge of your life. I'd love to go get hammered right now and forget my problems, but it's not gonna help me or my daughter. And no way I'd let stbx have any ammo on me.

You need a clear, focused mind right now. Let us help you. This forum could save your life!! This forum is a brotherhood as strong as the one I had in the USMC. They will fight for you, but you gotta want to fight for yourself, too.

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong, and keep moving forward.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby BartSimpson » Sat Nov 04, 2017 10:07 pm

Hello,

That stinging sensation is your pride.

The best question has been asked several times: Have you looked at the alternatives like SMART Recovery, Life-Ring, Moderation Management or SOS on-line?
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby Campfire » Sun Nov 05, 2017 5:10 pm

Crist,

I've been to an AA meeting once or twice myself. I've also been to Al-Anon. You know what both have in common? They're full of addicts.

One thing I did take from them is lingo which I haven't seen in your posts. My line of work has a higher incidence of addiction. Before you get your defenses up, I want to relate one thing that stuck out for me (and I did what you are doing during my divorce).

It's not about how much you drink/use. It's not about whether you choose to stop. It's about whether it occupies your thoughts.

Substance abuse can be a massive hammer effectively used by STBX's and the only 100% effective way to reduce that risk is not to imbibe during the process. It doesn't matter if it's complete BS. We have had members suffer due to fabricated substance abuse issues. The question to ask yourself is if a couple of beers/mixers is worth the risk of not seeing your kids very much. My best stress reduction was exercise. Biking and jogging gave me time to mull over my situation and strategy. Drinking simply dulled the pain and was not productive.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:49 am

I apologize if I offended you but to be clear...

I don't necessarily think your main issue is drinking or substance related. In fact, as stated above, I think this is a conclusion or diagnosis people often jump to far too fast, and is often incorrect.

If you are over indulging to any degree then any of the ideas Bart suggested are good if you feel you need help in moderation. Many people can move from excess to moderation without abstinence.

All I, and the previous posters, am suggesting is that you do whatever you can to stave off the isolation and depression because whatever is driving you to that place is the thing that will harm you in the end.

Get out in the world, live your life, and connect with friends and family and trust that the people on these forums do want to help.

Again, I apologize if I was too strong in my previous post.
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Re: How do you cope with the loneliness?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:43 am

OP is reaching out and trying to feel a connection, sounds at risk for substance abuse for me.

OP - do yourself a favor, watch a TED talk on forgetting everything you need to know about addiction.

Simply immerse yourself in your community and new community, any community and build connections and your desire to drink will be impacted.

Sounds crazy right? That simply being mindful, present and in the moment could help your total well being?

If being around other people is too much, how about some reading? Emotional intelligence and mindfulness would be two areas i would focus heavily on.
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