Have proof of cheating

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Have proof of cheating

Unread postby TripletDadNJ » Wed Nov 01, 2017 8:15 pm

So I wife last month of almost 15 years decides she no longer loves me and wants to divorce. We've had our share of problems over the years so this wasn't a huge shock, but did seem sudden. She wants to go through mediation and try to keep things civil and not give everything away to lawyers. I was ok with this as we have 3 young kids that I would like to have 50/50 custody with.

Recently I found out that she has been cheating on me. She's been sending video texts back and forth to another man for over a month using an app called Glide. She doesn't know that I have access to this -- question is do I confront her on this or do you think this will backfire? Obviously I am heartbroken about it. My biggest concern is for our kids and she is sending videos of them as well!

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby Campfire » Wed Nov 01, 2017 8:41 pm

333,

Welcome. First of all, don't confront her on this issue right now.

What state are you in?

What are the kids' ages?
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby TJinCA » Wed Nov 01, 2017 9:09 pm

I assume from username you're in New Jersey, which allows fault-based divorce on grounds of adultery.

That said, about the only advantage you're likely to get from pursuing that vs. no-fault might be a reduction in alimony (if that's even a factor for you--are your individual incomes very different?). Unlikely that it will impact custody, child support or property division.

In order to make it stick you'll have to prove adultery, which will probably entail more than just showing the judge a couple of Glide texts. She'll argue that they were harmless flirtations and nothing actually happened. Are you ready to hire a PI to get pictures of her and her lover? And then pay a lawyer to present them to the judge? And see it all leak to your kids?

If it were me I'd ignore the adultery aspect (in the divorce process, but talk to a therapist to help you with the emotional end), plan a no-fault divorce, get it done as efficiently and inexpensively as possible, and get your revenge by going on to live a happy, fulfilled life without her. (Oh, and hope that her boyfriend marries her (ending alimony), gives her a social disease and then cheats on her...with her sister...)

It sucks hard to be cheated on (I know) but bringing that into the divorce process doesn't make the cheating any less painful and makes the divorce a lot more painful and expensive than it needs to be.

Overall, take a deep breath, talk to a lawyer and make a plan. No need to take any rash actions. If she's already agreeable to 50/50 custody and a fair financial settlement you're ahead on points.
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby TripletDadNJ » Thu Nov 02, 2017 3:35 am

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I am in NJ. 3 kids at 7 years of age.
The proof I have are not just texts but selfie videos that she sent to this man confessing her love for him. I don't think he is local -- it is someone she met at a seminar a few years ago. Maybe Florida.

I know I should let it go and hopefully she does remarry quickly to end alimony -- my problem is with the kids potentially living with this person. Morally it is wrong as this is the man their mom cheated on dad with. Obviously no legal ground to stop it but morally I want my wife to know.

Honestly my only real concern right now is how all this will impact my kids. They don't deserve this. Right now they have no clue anything is wrong. Up until 2 months ago I thought everything was pretty good. Think she was just tired of the routine.
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 6:08 am

Hang in there OP. I am sorry you are going though this. There are many of us on this board that have experienced the very same thing. You are not alone. Being cheated on sucks, it's terrible on the emotions and really stings. Here we are as Dads, busting our humps to provide financial stability for our families and wham-mo, our STBX's decide it's time for an upgrade. Mine also caught me out of the blue. I still cannot comprehend how any mother (or father) can do this (after deciding to bring children into this world) to the family. I find it entirely selfish that they would put their desires above all else.

Here's my advice, file a no-fault as TJinCA advised. Hire the best 'trial' lawyer you can find, even though you are going to try to use mediation. Since I assume you two are still living together in the same marital home, the idea of mediation falling apart and the cost of trial should motivate her to settle for less than ideal in mediation. Then add the layer of having hired a great trial lawyer, and she'll potentially settle for even less. Finally, as you get near the end, you can drop vague hints you know about the affair (don't confirm) and let her know a lot will come out when your trial lawyer disposes her - additional motivation for her to settle. So, use mediation and Mr. W to your advantage as leverage, but do it wisely.

In NJ, you really have nothing to gain by filing a fault divorce but lots of $$$ to lose via lawyers fees and litigation. Trust me, I know how hard it is to flip the switch and stop loving someone that you have for so many years. But you have to. I know you are angry and want to expose her, but right now you need to put those emotions aside and treat this divorce as a business transaction. The sooner you can do that, the better off you and your kids will be in the end. You have to put your kids best interest first and that means keeping your emotions in check.

Stay strong, these guys will help carry you through as they did for me. Good luck OP and keep posting/asking questions.
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:07 am

the infidelity will not and does not impact her ability to parent. It might however limit your financial exposure in terms of spousal support.
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby TripletDadNJ » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:28 am

Thanks guys. I'm really concerned with these videos she is sending to him. Too much information about our kids. Almost as if she sees him as a replacement for me. Made up lies about me today. She also told her family about this guy. It's very difficult not confronting her about all this.
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:30 am

massdad1234 wrote:the infidelity will not and does not impact her ability to parent. It might however limit your financial exposure in terms of spousal support.

I am not sure this is true in OPs home state of New Jersey?
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby steelmark » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:42 am

TripletDadNJ wrote:Thanks guys. I'm really concerned with these videos she is sending to him. Too much information about our kids. Almost as if she sees him as a replacement for me. Made up lies about me today. She also told her family about this guy. It's very difficult not confronting her about all this.


Read between the sheets on this one....you have a potential move away situation here as delusional as that may seem.

Good job on your hill to die on, the 50/50 custody goal. Stay firm and true to that goal, this forum will guide you in putting yourself in the best position to achieve that outcome. It is the only thing that matters and you only get one shot at this.

You need to protect your kids from a move away, I faced a move away and road blocked that immediately after filing. I filed for a temporary restraining order locking the kids in their current school district during the pendency of the case. The justification was to prevent a tug of war and it was issued without any problems.

In the end, it could not be overcome, I won the case right then and there, nearly 2 years before it was finalized.

You have mental gymnastics ahead with your wife's actions, but now is the time to position yourself to achieve that 50/50. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint, your kids could be 9 by the time this is over.

Stick with this group, sorry you are here.
Prepare and execute to win by a thousand miles, just to be in position to win by an inch.
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Re: Have proof of cheating

Unread postby MegaDad » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:49 am

TripletDadNJ wrote:Thanks guys. I'm really concerned with these videos she is sending to him. Too much information about our kids. Almost as if she sees him as a replacement for me. Made up lies about me today. She also told her family about this guy. It's very difficult not confronting her about all this.


OP, this is pretty much what happened to me, and I have felt the similar feelings of anger and fear when it came to the other man. My ex lied about me too, almost anyone in a circumstance like hers would when you think about it. They know they are cheaters, but they rationalize it in their own mind and then rationalize it to others in order to fit their own narrative. I knew she was cheating on me before we even actually separated and all throughout the divorce process. I never let her know that I knew.

Here's why I did that, and you should consider doing the same....she's likely on what we call the Mr. Wonderful Effect. She is most likely focused on the new man and not on the divorce. It's possible the reason she wants everything to remain nice and amicable is because she's in such a hurry to begin her "new life" with the other dude, and knows a nasty divorce might drive him away. If that happens, guess who she will blame?

I totally get how hard it is not to throw it in her face that you know, to feel that sense of moral righteousness, but it won't change anything, and it certainly will not help your case. Once the divorce is final and done, you can sing that < feces > out loud to her all you want (Still wouldn't recommend it though)
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