Upcoming Divorce--Questions??

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:24 am

Thanks Havalu. I was sitting in my room thinking the same thing you said. I was afraid I didn't have enough of anything for the cops to do anything. And I didn't want to give her any ideas. I just stayed locked into my room. Man, this sucks.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 6:39 am

_ProudPoppa_ wrote:Holy smokes! Just moments ago Stbx went full nut job. We tried to sit down and hash out the upcoming holiday schedule. She lost it on some minor stuff. Who gets the next weekend or whatever. She starts yelling so I just get up and walk away. She's gets more p!ssed and yells how she'll just move to her dads and keep D1 away from me. I come back and tell her that "I hope you do, our judges don't like that. And you'll look terrible for it". I laugh and go back to my room. But she's right behind me and tries to barge into my room. Luckily I locked it. I though for sure something bad was gonna happen. But I had the DAR on.

Only you know your STBX best. Personally, I went through quite a bit of these episodes in the beginning with STBX. As the process played out, I can attest that mine did simmer down over time. If STBX does commit DV, you'll have a choice to make. It won't be easy and you'll need to weigh all the pro's and con's.

Best advice I read on this board was to treat your STBX as if your we still courting her. Never, ever engage your STBX. Be very cordial, tell her "you might be right" every so often and make peace your #1 priority. If she starts up, best to simply remove yourself from the situation... if possible? Make up any excuse you can think of to leave room pronto.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Thu Nov 02, 2017 6:57 am

Thanks LovingDad2. I tried to walk away, but I guess I let her sucker me back in with the withholding my daughter comment. I didn't even argue it with her. But, I engaged nonetheless. Lesson learned. Still, I immediately retreated to my room. She definitely has crazy in her blood.

Anyone have any advice on how to cohabitate for the next week and how I can spend time with D1 but avoid stbx?
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby Trevor » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:52 am

No eye contact. Don't touch her, even slightly. Calm voice, always. Hands in pockets when around her. Recorder on all the time. Spend as much time with the child as possible. Retreat to your room as necessary, but do not move out.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby Havalu7 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:54 am

Dude the “you may be right” was huge. Good call LF2.

OP we are pulling for you just post here before making any big decisions not including making the call for the black and white taxi if she DOES commit DV.

Got to run but where was your D1 (going from still groggy memory here) when this occurred; I assume all tucked in sleeping?

Edit: See Trevor made it simple like he so does so well; and emphasized not moving out.

You can do this brother. Pay close attention here newbies as this is where the planning and strategy you get here not only protects you, but helps you make it through one of the toughest times of the process.
”No.” is a complete sentence.

Do not move out of your house.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:06 am

PP - there will be good days and some small setbacks. The change is your mindset, but it won't happen over night. Obviously, having time to reflect, you see your part in escalating things. I tried to talk some things out with my STBX. After a couple of times, where I was just sitting there in my mind thinking to myself why do I even want stand here and listen to this rubbish, I started to move 'important' conversations to email, and setup automatic rules on said emails.

I would start by writing down topics you would like to discuss. If you need to broach them with STBX, start with email and give it 24-48 hours after you write it to review and send. This process won't be fast, especially if contested, don't rush your communications.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Thu Nov 02, 2017 9:58 am

The preparation this board provided me is invaluable so far. Newbies, read this board every day. Go deep
Into the archives. I'm so far ahead of Stbx its causing her to flip out.

My little one was tucked into bed last night when this all went down.

Today was a different story. She is agreeable to a 2-2-3 schedule, but she flipped the weeks i wanted. But, after reading this board long enough, i considered it a win and moved on. She was calm today and we went into more detail about our parenting plan and dividing up the nursery.

During all of our talks I keep some kind of barrier between us-- couch, kitchen island etc, and my hands are always in my pockets. I'm always the one asking her to calm down. I walk away when she shouts. Makes her more angry, though.

This whole thing is a rollercoaster. To top it off, she's getting served sometime between today and Saturday. Which really shouldn't surprise her seeing how she's moving out.

Thanks for all the support and I'll keep you updated. This board really is helping me stay above water. And I
Wish in could buy all of you a beer to show my appreciation.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 10:05 am

same here, this place helps you confront the real issues at hand, come up with a strategy and game plan and provides reinforcement in shared experiences. It also shares tools/techniques to put the children first and work to build a collaborative relationship with the other parent, during the divorce is not ideally the time.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:10 pm

I came home from work today and had a calm discussion with stbx about our parenting plan and some other suff. She tried to argue again over yesterday's stuff, but i just stayed calm, quiet and agreeable. Worked out pretty well.

Question about these things:

1) I got an email from my attorney stating I have a hearing for Petition of Dissolution of Marriage and Motion for Temporary Orders on November 14.. Stbx hasn't even been served yet. I think at this hearing they set temp custody and C/S. Does anything else happen? I need to call my attorney tomorrow, I guess.

2). Stbx's new job starts the day after the hearing. Do you think they'll allow her new salary to be used for my support calculations? Lucky for me she landed an 80k job.

3) for newbies.... Listen to this. The advice I received on here was to file on her first. I did wait a bit, maybe 6 weeks, before I pulled the trigger. Today she told me she had her lawyers prepare the papers months ago, but to wait on her call before filing officially. I thought I had a chance to save my marriage, so I tried like an idiot. The whole time she was ready to file, but just waiting to land a new job while I paid all the bills. The point?! Listen to the advice on this board. They've seen it all and know what's coming before you do. All the advice I've received has been spot-on.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:54 pm

1. you need to know why and have directed your employee to do so right?
2. I don't see why not, but how long has it been since she has worked and how long of a stretch was it before then?
3. It doesn't really matter. If the two of you can hash it out at the kitchen table, then close this deal and move on. At the end of the day, doesn't really matter, be prepared, have a game plan and focus on yourself and what you can control while reducing conflict.

Look at you now!
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