Upcoming Divorce--Questions??

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Wed Oct 04, 2017 7:01 pm

Thanks for the suggestion, Trevor.

FlyGuy-- as for me not filing now, I've been debating that. Until yesterday, i thuoght I still had a chance to work things out with her. Now I know it's not gonna happen. Also, I guess the sappy side of me just wanted our family to stay in the house together until after Christmas. We can be cordial to each other and we even have fun together at times. Nothing terrible has happened between us, we're just incompatible. I know there's a chance she has someone on the side-- this ain't my first rodeo, ha. But, it's more important to me to see my daughter every day for the short term. Also, based on some other advice I've read, I'm not completely ready to go to war yet. I'm still preparing a few things.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Wed Oct 04, 2017 9:25 pm

_ProudPoppa_ wrote:Thanks for the suggestion, Trevor.

FlyGuy-- as for me not filing now, I've been debating that. Until yesterday, i thuoght I still had a chance to work things out with her. Now I know it's not gonna happen. Also, I guess the sappy side of me just wanted our family to stay in the house together until after Christmas. We can be cordial to each other and we even have fun together at times. Nothing terrible has happened between us, we're just incompatible. I know there's a chance she has someone on the side-- this ain't my first rodeo, ha. But, it's more important to me to see my daughter every day for the short term. Also, based on some other advice I've read, I'm not completely ready to go to war yet. I'm still preparing a few things.


There's no reason you can't have equal access to your daughter even if you file. That's the primary reason this forum exists and probably the main point we focus on.

I can post more later but I will say that I made the crucial error of not filing first. Then once she filed and we were in the process, I went against my (female) lawyer's advice and did all I could to be amicable and reasonable. It probably cost me 80-100k in the divorce and almost the custody of my child.

Let's start with this:

Your Marriage Is No Longer A Romantic Or Life Partnership - It Is Now A Business Transaction

1. Even at the end of a bad marriage, it’s hard to take this position because you spent a long time together and were once deeply in love - probably closer to them than anyone else in your life. But you must if you want to survive this whole thing. You now have to see your former lover and best friend as you would a stranger you are involved in a real estate transaction with. Again - DO NOT place their financial well being above your own.

2. Important: You can do this in a respectful, reasonable, and honest way. All you have to do is say “{STBX name}, I understand this is stressful and new territory for us both, but I am going to proceed reasonably and honestly and I will absolutely meet all of my obligations and responsibilities as the law dictates, and I hope you will do the same.”

3. You must stop your “band aid behavior” or brushing things under the rug to be worked out later (meaning: walking on eggshells and putting their needs above yours to keep the peace). Continuing this will affect the tone for any negotiations or settlement talks later.

4. Divorce is like a race where you can’t see the other person or know where they are. Assume that they’re moving quickly and don’t let them get to the finish line first. Do NOT let your stbx dictate the timeline or schedule of the divorce - control the process as much as you can. This begins with filing first.


Bottom line, you can be respectful and have a last holidays if you are both willing to work together to do that. But let me ask you a question:

What would you do if she handed you papers tomorrow? Do you think that is possible?

I never say you should declare war, but you should prepare for war. It's a tough place to be in, I know because I was there!

Stay strong - we are here to help you.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:08 pm

Thanks, FlyGuy, for the words of advice. I guess I should have mentioned that I wasn't giving her time to build up her funds as an act of kindness. She just made the mistake of telling me her plan. I still need to go back to talk to my lawyer about a few things before I file the papers (before she does). So, in the mean time I was getting more journal entries going to document my Dad time. I only have about a month's worth now. And working on finding a nanny until my mom can move here.

Again, your advice is invaluable. Can you offer anything on how to go about getting her onto her own cell plan, auto insurance, and cutting her out of the joint account without it looking malicious to the court? She has maintained a part time job since she was pregnant, and she has the potential to earn 6 figures if she stops being so picky about jobs. So, it's not like she's a helpless, skilless person. And, she's not lazy whatsoever. She just has the luxury of me paying for most things.

Geez, I'm really making my own case here for filing first, ha.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Thu Oct 05, 2017 12:51 am

ProudPoppa,

You seem to have a good attitude and be an intelligent guy. This will help you navigate the situation ahead, which will not be the most pleasant experience you've ever had. :shock:

_ProudPoppa_ wrote:Thanks, FlyGuy, for the words of advice. I guess I should have mentioned that I wasn't giving her time to build up her funds as an act of kindness. She just made the mistake of telling me her plan.


Ok. LEARN from her mistake and don't repeat it. Never telegraph your thoughts or plans. Radio Silence. Poker Face.

_ProudPoppa_ wrote:Can you offer anything on how to go about getting her onto her own cell plan, auto insurance, and cutting her out of the joint account without it looking malicious to the court?


These things won't look malicious to the court. If done reasonably, these are responsible moves one makes in a divorce proceeding. Remember, just because you separate your finances doesn't mean that you won't pay the state guideline support once it has been ordered. Shutting off her cell phone is not malicious. Shutting off her cell phone and not providing her access to community funds with which to get a new one IS malicious and likely sanctionable.

It also depends on your living situation. Are you planning on cohabitation during the separation and divorce? I don't recommend it at all. Will she move out? These kind of impact my answers but assuming she will or has already moved...

Here's what I'd do:

Joint Account - open your own account at a bank she has no knowledge of (not where your current accounts are) and take 50% of the money from the joint. Put all your deposits and income into your new account.

Auto Insurance - it may make sense to keep it as is for a bit but I'm not sure. We kept it the same until she moved out and the term was up. Once you have filed, you could wait a bit and then send her a notice stating that in the interest of disentangling and moving forward, she should get her own policy in place by X date.

Cell Phone - possibly the same as above. If you're on a family plan you could give her 30 days to find a new plan after you've filed. Remember that on the same plan you'll be able to see who she's talking to and how often, and possible have access to texts. Just a thought, but probably not completely honest.

Bottom line is that she sounds like she will get pretty mean once the starting gun goes off. If she's already throwing the EOW bs at you then expect things to escalate on all levels.

_ProudPoppa_ wrote: She has maintained a part time job since she was pregnant, and she has the potential to earn 6 figures if she stops being so picky about jobs. So, it's not like she's a helpless, skilless person. And, she's not lazy whatsoever. She just has the luxury of me paying for most things.


What is her work history? Has she had jobs that pay 6 figures, or is that "potential" just speculation on your part? What is her degree or credential in?

It will help to know what your income and her income is. She has no motivation to go out and get a great paying job at this point.

As for this issue, I would think you can use the threat of a vocational evaluation if she doesn't agree to a stipulated income amount during settlement negotiations. Example (extreme only to make my point):

She is an M.D. but has been working part time at Starbucks for the last three years to raise the baby. Prior to that she made $150,000. You say "Either base the support on a $100,000 income, which you could easily earn as you have in the past, or I will petition the court to order a vocational evaluation which will likely place your income considerably higher."

But in order to have this carry weight, you'd need to have some historic evidence of her actually earning what you claim she could.

_ProudPoppa_ wrote:Geez, I'm really making my own case here for filing first, ha.


Good... you're learning!

We are here to help. Stay strong.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:50 am

I guess I didn't know how to cut her off without it telegraphing my move. Seems like one misstep could really throw a wrench into the plans. It makes sense to give her a little time after filing to let her make adjustments. And, you're right about her getting mean. A while back she and I talked about this stuff, and I mentioned we should close out the joint account, to which she fired back about me paying child support. I don't mind paying CS, but it was the way she said it--- angry.

She has two masters degrees-- an MBA and one in healthcare. She was in management making 90k. (Over two years ago) Currently she works 20 hours a week and makes about 36k (shift work in hospital). When she was pregnant she basically told me she wanted to stay home until any kids we had went off to school. I said we could see how it goes. She also had a hefty student loan to pay pack (premarital) and I informed her that would be her responsibility. i did, however, pay off the last 10k of her car so she could be free of that burden. I make 130k.

She is still in the house as of today. She would definitely move out after the papers are filed. She has all of her family here she could live with until she gets back to work full time. And, speaking of moving out, what would you recommend as how long after she moves out to change the locks out on the house? As soon as she packs a pag and goes? Or after the moving truck gets loaded? I don't really want her having access to the house ( only my name is on the deed) but I also don't need the cops over here saying I locked her out of her stuff.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby a dad » Thu Oct 05, 2017 2:02 am

Anybody can change locks anytime. You also legally have a reasonable expectation of privacy once she's no longer living there even if some of her stuff is still there. I rekeyed mine right after that.

You can rekey 5 locks yourself for around $15. Look for your brand of locks' rekeying kit at the home center.

You can also change the locks. There are some that can be rekeyed in 30sec without additional hardware. Basically, they can be rekeyed to your current key, then changed to a new key, and then back to the old key, in 30sec. You keep both keys on your keychain and it's easy to change anytime you want to give her access. Again, look for them at the store. There are a few brands to choose from which offer this feature.

You can also hire a locksmith to do either of the above.

Be sure to resync your garage door opener & remotes by pressing the button on the back of the opener then pressing the remote. If you have a key code entry, you'll need to change the key code as well as resync the keypad.

If she has a key to your car, be aware that she has access to things within the car, such as a garage door remote, whether built-in or hand-held, so you may not want to sync any built-in garage door remotes nor would you want to leave a garage door remote in your car.

If you have a house alarm, change the key code as well as contacting the alarm company to remove her access to your account.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Thu Oct 05, 2017 2:49 am

Remember - file and serve her BEFORE you take any other steps.

Also - I'll add that you should immediately block access to your digital and computer life. Change all passwords to everything NOW and get all your files off of any shared computer.
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Thu Oct 05, 2017 12:47 pm

Thanks again everyone. I've been reading this forum non stop for the last two weeks, and everything people are saying makes sense and seems simple to do. But, now that things are about to escalate, I feel like my head is spinning and I don't know what to do next. I have an attorney consultation scheduled for next week with cordell&cordell. The first lawyer I previously consulted months ago is a female acquaintance of mine. (I've noticed mixed reviews of female attorneys on here). When I met with her I thought stbx and I could mediate on our own. Wrong. So I'm not sure if female attorney is a litigator or not. And she's on the newer side of experience. But, I feel like I trust her more than a stranger.

I digress... any tips on keeping a level, controlled and focused mind during this dynamic time?

Also, FlyGuy-- you mentioned some mistakes during the beginning of your situation; do you have time or a link that elaborates
on your journey?

You guys are all AWESOME and are more helpful and supportive than I'll probably ever realize... THANK YOU!
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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:59 am

OP you are doing great.

The forum here strongly suggests a male litigator because the female may have or form a "Sisterhood" bond.

I am sure the vets here can add to this.

Also most strongly suggest running that covert DAR ALL the time to cover those times when you are at work. I turned mine on when I approached the house because a few times doing it in the driveway my then STBX came out and I was scrambling to conceal it.

Make sense on those two tips?

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Re: Upcoming KY divorce--Questions??

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Fri Oct 06, 2017 4:15 pm

It's funny you mention turning on the DAR as your're pulling down your street-- that's EXACTLY what I've been doing, too. Can't risk getting caught.

Ok, so the "sisterhood" thing makes sense. I'm going to go back and talk to my female attorney next week and go into detail about my goals, and then I should be able to tell if she's going to battle for me or not. When I first consulted with her, I was under the impression that I would be able to work all of this out with stbx and avoid the courts. Seems like only custody will be contentious. Our marriage is less than two years, and we have almost entirely separate finances. So, there's not much I can fight her on with that (half of home equity, half of marital retirement account, cars in our own names). But, please, anyone correct me on that stuff. But, thinking back to that consult, attorney said she would mediate for us, and would not allowed Stbx get totally screwed over. Which I agreed I didn't want for her either. Maybe that's a red flag? I guess I'll find out.

Does anyone have any tried and true questions to ask a female attorney to find out her tendencies; but, without making myself sound like an < hindquarters >? Again, to be clear, my goal is to get 50/50 custody of my little girl. The money stuff is just an extra pain in the butt we all have to deal with.
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