Strategy for upcoming trial

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby whatever_works » Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:26 pm

14 year marriage, 3 years since separation
D16, D10
State MA
Current custody: Legal and physical to mom. EOW Fri to Mon with dad. Weekly dinner visit for 3 hours.

I have been posting here for a while. I am starting this thread to ask for help with strategy for my upcoming trial. There is very little chance of an 11th hour settlement. My lawyer agrees based on what he has seen of my stbx.

I am not going to go into the state of my marriage before divorce and the reasons for divorce because I don't think anyone cares. I'd be happy to provide those details if needed.

My wife got me out of the house on a false DV charge. After my wife filed for divorce, I spent about 2 years fighting child protection services, the DV charge (in criminal court), and a restraining order. CPS found me guilty of neglecting the children and then overturned that finding. DV charge was dismissed after a jury trial. The RO was vacated after 2 years, after being renewed on year 1. I had to bring my lawyer to fight the RO and wife hired a lawyer for defending it at year 2. I mention this to underscore the fact that she fights everything all the way - she does not settle.

Stbx lost her job about 18 months ago.

My custody goal is 50-50. I did agree to look at all reasonable offers during our earlier court dates. But since the offers were ridiculous and never more than 4 nights, I gave up on that line of thinking. I have said that I am flexible on schedule but week-on-week-off seems doable. Last few months, I have told my lawyer that any offer that does not start with 50-50 custody is a non-starter.

Stbx has said that we could split the assets 50-50. Devil is in the detail though. There are going to be issues there but nothing too major. She has never mentioned child support. Knowing her from 14 years, she is holding out for highest child support she can get. And that is why she can't share custody.

Since we can't agree on custody, what I am trying to focus on now is the upcoming trial. From all the signs I am getting, stbx and her lawyer are building a case for status quo. They want to show the judge that kids are doing well in school and that stbx is a good mom. The judge is probably keen to give custody to mom and EOW < parenting time > to dad. So they probably feel good about their chances.

My argument is going to be the opposite. I want to show that the kids could be doing better - were doing better - with dad. And since the older girl will be ready for college at the time of the trial, I want to focus on helping the younger child achieve her full potential by sharing physical and legal custody.

I want to get into children's schools and chat with their teachers but my job is being made difficult by the legal custody being with mom. In July the judge wrote a modification to our temp order but he wrote shared physical instead of shared legal. My lawyer has taken 2 months to file a 2-99 to seek clarification - and still nothing in sight. I was hoping to take a copy to schools (and doctors/therapists) and tell them to include me in decision making.

Lack of legal custody may not be the core of my problems. I am not sure what I need to do to get into the schools and build a rapport with the teachers when my wife is there talking to the teachers before me. She has now told my younger daughter to not share any school details with me and she herself is hiding information on their school performance.

Also, I have a mental block reaching out to schools when my older girl does not want me to, and the younger girl has no need.

Any advice on my strategy or preparation is appreciated.
whatever_works
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 611
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:22 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:40 pm

I was hoping to take a copy to schools (and doctors/therapists) and tell them to include me in decision making.


What kind of issues are you missing out on. What, if anything, would you have changed if you had a say in it? Are we talking about vaccinations, course curriculum, cancer treatments?

Knowing what past issues have been would help brainstorm a way to present your case.
User avatar
Fatheroffour
Moderator
 
Posts: 36734
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:37 am
Location: Top of the world

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby whatever_works » Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:46 pm

Younger girl is not going to accelerated math. And I don't know what notes have been sent home to mom. Things like those.

Older girl got HPV vaccine without my permission. I don't like her therapist.

Nothing major would have changed though. I just want to be in the know.
whatever_works
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 611
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:22 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby afc » Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:57 pm

You want to be in on your 16 yr old daughter's gynecological care?
afc
5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 7716
Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 4:22 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby whatever_works » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:01 pm

Ha! Her doctor at 13 told me to think about it. We separated right before she turned 14. I had looked up the pros and cons. I don't think stbx understands what HPV stands for. That is my point. I am not going to get into a debate about vaccination. I probably would have made the same decision she did - but good parenting means making informed decisions.
whatever_works
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 611
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:22 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby Outis » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:08 pm

If you're not convinced of your decision on the matter, how would you make an informed decision?

Is your argument that you weren't involved, so you haven't researched it? Despite having a younger daughter?

Help me understand why you aren't informed.
What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
User avatar
Outis
5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 8324
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:13 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby whatever_works » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:25 pm

I am informed. I would have gone with getting her vaccinated as well. But I would like to know if mom knows why some people choose not to get it.
whatever_works
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 611
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:22 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby Outis » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:33 pm

First, that's not what your last post said. You quite clearly stated you "probably" would have done the same thing.

I would like to know if mom knows why some people choose not to get it.
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
User avatar
Outis
5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 8324
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:13 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby afc » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:34 pm

You can't seriously be wanting to quiz the mom on stuff like that, right? That's a joke, right?
afc
5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 7716
Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 4:22 pm

Re: Strategy for upcoming trial

Unread postby Outis » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:36 pm

Come on afc, you don't get a 3 year divorce by focusing on what matters.
What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
User avatar
Outis
5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 8324
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:13 pm

Next

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests