Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some more.

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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby WinAtLife » Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:01 pm

Trevor wrote:When I was with my kids there were sometimes other kids there, or we were in places where other kids were too. Maybe I have a stereotype of "play date" where the parents hang out and tolerate each other for a couple hours while the kids play semi-supervised in the playground. But I can raise productive members of society better than a bunch of booger-eaters any day. I am skeptical that play dates are better vehicles to teach kids good social skills than interacting in daily life with Dad, when he's already a bit scarce in their lives due to court orders and a keepaway mom, for example.
Chaos wrote:He made a list. It was a pretty good one, and that was just one thing on it. Good parenting is in the balance.

I wasn't criticizing his list - that's what "not to split hairs" suggests. You're right, it's a good list. Play dates are on the list, and in present custodial circumstances, should probably be a low priority.


I'm glad this has sparked a pretty thoughtful dialogue about playdates. My approach has been the invite/drop-off playdate, where DS or DD ask me to have a playdate with John or Jane. I contact (most of these folks I know from chaperoning one big school trip last year, and soccer coaching), and invite them over for a few hours, indicating drop-off. Say John comes over to hang with DS, I get to play with the boys a bit while DS colors or gets some much needed alone time from her overbearing brother to play in her room, but more often I get to have quality daddy/daughter time while the boys play some minecraft or bang on the drums or mess around in the driveway outside. The other parents get a break from their kid for a few hours as well, which is the quickest way to engender some real bonds with quality parents.

The harder bit is when they invite the child over... but as Chaos said, it's about balance. I think my son or daughter having sleepovers with his best friends (vetted and trusted, of course) on my time, even if hard to give up with limited time, is worth it - the experience of bonding with friends lends a sense of normalcy and "mom and dad aren't together, but I get to do normal kid stuff!" which is really in their best interests (and again, quality 1-on-1 time with the other child: a full tea party with DS before bedtime with out brother trying to smash it with a sword? So great).

If I can give them a break from the shitshow our divorce has been thus far, even for a little while, it's a job well done. Balance.

So Trevor, this approach a bit different from the traditional "let's stand around and watch our kids while we pretend to be friends like they are" (which I can agree can be a little tough, and make you feel a bit more removed from "quality time" with the kids), which I'm not entirely a fan of unless we're all already at a playground, but to each his own, literally. The priority isn't high or low... more just, for me: "does this pass the acid test of - would a normal kid from an intact family be able to do this?" Trying to offer my kids as much of that as I can while still fighting the battles needed for eventual 50/50.
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby WinAtLife » Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:05 pm

Campfire wrote:Win,

I highly recommend moving close to your Ex.

Actions speak louder than words. It won't go unnoticed but it's not a guarantee either.

If you can't afford being neighbors, be in the same school district. The school will likely work with you on bussing if you need different busses. They deal with this stuff often.

A 60 minute round trip sucks because invariably something will get forgotten (school books/teddy bear/etc.). Having the ability to quickly rectify an issue will greatly improve the QOL for you and the kiddos.


Thanks Camp (and everyone else). Going for it.
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:24 pm

Total bonus points for having a drum kit for the little Peart to knock around on. Well done, Dad.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby Campfire » Tue Sep 12, 2017 2:53 pm

WinAtLife wrote:
Campfire wrote:Win,

I highly recommend moving close to your Ex.

Actions speak louder than words. It won't go unnoticed but it's not a guarantee either.

If you can't afford being neighbors, be in the same school district. The school will likely work with you on bussing if you need different busses. They deal with this stuff often.

A 60 minute round trip sucks because invariably something will get forgotten (school books/teddy bear/etc.). Having the ability to quickly rectify an issue will greatly improve the QOL for you and the kiddos.


Thanks Camp (and everyone else). Going for it.



Grab a hide a bed couch on Craigslist and buy an inflatable mattress pad. They are actually quite comfortable and then it won't look like you're sleeping on a couch. Maybe a better idea, find a used bunk bed on Craigslist with a slide. You can build one yourself but in the end, it's cheaper to buy it used.

This is the strongest move you could make in this game. We have numerous members (moi included) that have had great success with this tactic both during the proceedings and after the final decree. I recently purchased a small 2 bedroom house but it's still in the same school district as mom as well as being served by the exact same schools.

PS. The bunk bed is for the kids, not you.
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby WinAtLife » Tue Sep 12, 2017 3:44 pm

Trevor wrote:Total bonus points for having a drum kit for the little Peart to knock around on. Well done, Dad.


Thanks man. Beater Ludwig set on Craigslist, he's loved it (esp since NJ isn't down with kids making that kind of noise at her place). I feel like it does double duty: fun and therapeutic for these little guys. DS especially is internalizing so much these days, you could just tell. Gives him just another outlet.

This moment brought to you by Craigslist! - proud sponsor of the brave men of divorce. * cheesy commercial jingle *
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby WinAtLife » Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:12 pm

Campfire wrote:
WinAtLife wrote:
Campfire wrote:Win,

I highly recommend moving close to your Ex.

Actions speak louder than words. It won't go unnoticed but it's not a guarantee either.

If you can't afford being neighbors, be in the same school district. The school will likely work with you on bussing if you need different busses. They deal with this stuff often.

A 60 minute round trip sucks because invariably something will get forgotten (school books/teddy bear/etc.). Having the ability to quickly rectify an issue will greatly improve the QOL for you and the kiddos.


Thanks Camp (and everyone else). Going for it.



Grab a hide a bed couch on Craigslist and buy an inflatable mattress pad. They are actually quite comfortable and then it won't look like you're sleeping on a couch. Maybe a better idea, find a used bunk bed on Craigslist with a slide. You can build one yourself but in the end, it's cheaper to buy it used.

This is the strongest move you could make in this game. We have numerous members (moi included) that have had great success with this tactic both during the proceedings and after the final decree. I recently purchased a small 2 bedroom house but it's still in the same school district as mom as well as being served by the exact same schools.

PS. The bunk bed is for the kids, not you.


Camp, would love to hear more about how moving close to STBX and school enhanced things... MA has a reputation for beating us down to the lowest rung first and waiting to see who will climb up for the kids. Great to hear that other dads here did some successful climbing.

Application in, waiting on a time to sign. Landlord liked me, wary about the situation but had all my docs in line as well as a blank check. "Always be closing..."
WinAtLife
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:16 pm

No need to quote the entire post to which you are replying. We're on our phones, and it's a pain in the < edited > to scroll past all that rubbish.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby Campfire » Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:06 pm

Trevor wrote: it's a pain in the < edited > to scroll past all that rubbish.



Your words cut like knives... :twisted:
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby WinAtLife » Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:53 am

Trevor wrote:No need to quote the entire post to which you are replying. We're on our phones, and it's a pain in the < edited > to scroll past all that rubbish.


Yikes, sorry guys.
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Re: Fighting, stumbling, falling, getting up to fight some m

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:18 am

OP - what is the overnight breakdown on temp orders? What are your goals? Lower CS? Better parenting plan?

What are you hoping to accomplish by moving?
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