Strategy update question

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Strategy update question

Unread postby dofb » Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:20 pm

So, my STBX hasn't moved out yet and there's another 60 days before she does. In the mean time, neighbors have informed me of the men she's sexting, texting, and possibly banging. I find that very offensive and hurtful - I mean you have 60 days, keep it together and do whatever it is you want to do after you have moved out, but I digress.

On Friday, she's getting an IUD put in and accidentally left the appointment on the counter. I have conferred with the lawyer and our strategy is to depose her of all her behaviors next week with the aim of having her removed from the house and all kids staying with me 100% if we go to court based on fitness to parent. At least use that for leverage to push her to go faster because we are supposed to receive a proposal tomorrow that includes 50/50 on parenting time, as well as 50/50 child care, and 1/3-1/3-1/3 on college costs, and decent exemptions for me, and I keep the house, and she agrees to stay in the same school district. If there are no easter eggs, it's actually a decent agreement other than the temporary maintenance I would pay her ($600 for 3 years or until she gets a job or remarries or is pregnant). Frankly, I don't want to pay that money to her at all. I am concerned that I would be stuck with child care 80/20 and bombing other things. I would pay $1500 according to the guidelines and spousal support of $600 is just her icing on the cake.

The discovery that would go out on Monday (after she gets her IUD) would include these questions:
1) What relations are you having with the opposite sex and provide profiles of all sites? I have evidence that she's on tinder and bumble, and whatever else.
2) Have you sought or started using birth control?
3) What does your husband use for birth control? (She made me get a vasectomy in December).
4) How often do you go out to party leaving the kids with him? I have my journal from last month and a few of her facebook posts where she went to a hotel and posted at 4 AM?
5) Have you physically harmed yourself in the past? She did when she was a teenager.
6) What mental health issues have you been treated for? Anger management, stress, depression (multiple times).
7) What has your work history been and under what circumstances did you leave? There are some good gems in there and her last employment can also be used to impute her income at $100 a week lower than what I would be paying her for CSO. I also have her on record that she wanted to stop working.
8) Have you used any drugs or marijuana in the past 5 years? She has used marijuana.

The judge we will see if we go to court is a conservative judge and my lawyer feels that she can get a decent ruling from her.

With this information... any thoughts from the senior members on which direction to take? I am leaning toward seeing what the agreement is and then deciding if there's more to be gained.

It's a no fault state, but my real concern is what sort of an environment the kids will live in. I am also pissed off that she would do something so offensive, but... I keep reminding myself that this isn't the person I spent a decade plus with. Well, at least I try to anyway. The hurt just doesn't want to go away...
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby RockyCali » Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:11 pm

Are you confusing deposition and discovery? As I understand it, discovery is more about documentation.

This is just my take ...
#1: Indiana is a no-fault state. Legally it doesn't matter. This sort of thing is a pretty one-way street, too. She could be sleeping around with someone different every week. But if she catches wind or suspects you are in a new monogamous relationship she can make your legal proceedings a living hell.
#2: HIPAA, NOYB.
#3: Deposition.
#4: Deposition, but a discovery angle to this is asking for journals and calendars pertaining to parenting time. Might be helpful to ask in deposition AND get the parenting journals/calendars.
#5: HIPAA, NOYB.
#6: HIPAA, NOYB.
#7: Discovery, but under the guise of obtaining employment paystubs for the last 12-24 months. Deposition angle would be to ask what reasons she left. Possibly some employer confidentiality, though, especially if she didn't break any laws.
#8: Deposition question regarding illegal drugs, but marijuana is a tough one since it's legal and/or acceptable in so many places now.

Regarding the "NOYB" stuff above: if you think she would be rattled by thinking you might mention these things in trial (even though you really couldn't), only you will know this best whether to use these things, especially if you've got her on her heels.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby JimRockford » Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:54 pm

She's playing with your mind. Think about it, how she "accidentally" left that appointment on the counter. You need to disconnect and DGAF.
Deciding to go forward with a divorce is kind of like joining a brotherhood. However, it is a brotherhood that you really don't want to join.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby hoosier_dad » Wed Apr 19, 2017 6:55 am

dofb wrote:...we are supposed to receive a proposal tomorrow that includes 50/50 on parenting time, as well as 50/50 child care, and 1/3-1/3-1/3 on college costs, and decent exemptions for me, and I keep the house, and she agrees to stay in the same school district. If there are no easter eggs, it's actually a decent agreement other than the temporary maintenance I would pay her ($600 for 3 years or until she gets a job or remarries or is pregnant). Frankly, I don't want to pay that money to her at all. I am concerned that I would be stuck with child care 80/20 and bombing other things.


Aside from the agreement on future college costs and 3 year maintenance, the agreement seems to be a good agreement for you. So I'm a little confused what expected gains you and your attorney expect from throwing that inflammatory discovery grenade into the process when a decent proposal offer from the other side is imminent? I honestly can't see an outcome other than raising the level of conflict and potentially taking their proposal off the table.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:16 am

neighbors have informed me
That neighbor is evil, but the only thing worse than telling gossip is listening to gossip - and that's on you. It's even a commandment - thou shall not bear false witness. Do not let people tell you what the wife is doing, it is harmful to your case.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby dofb » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:52 am

RockyCali wrote:Are you confusing deposition and discovery? As I understand it, discovery is more about documentation.

This is just my take ...
#1: Indiana is a no-fault state. Legally it doesn't matter. This sort of thing is a pretty one-way street, too. She could be sleeping around with someone different every week. But if she catches wind or suspects you are in a new monogamous relationship she can make your legal proceedings a living hell.
#2: HIPAA, NOYB.
#3: Deposition.
#4: Deposition, but a discovery angle to this is asking for journals and calendars pertaining to parenting time. Might be helpful to ask in deposition AND get the parenting journals/calendars.
#5: HIPAA, NOYB.
#6: HIPAA, NOYB.
#7: Discovery, but under the guise of obtaining employment paystubs for the last 12-24 months. Deposition angle would be to ask what reasons she left. Possibly some employer confidentiality, though, especially if she didn't break any laws.
#8: Deposition question regarding illegal drugs, but marijuana is a tough one since it's legal and/or acceptable in so many places now.

Regarding the "NOYB" stuff above: if you think she would be rattled by thinking you might mention these things in trial (even though you really couldn't), only you will know this best whether to use these things, especially if you've got her on her heels.


The point is to rattle her and get her to commit to more mistakes... and get this across the finish line quickly.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby afc » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:56 am

You think leaving the appointment on the counter for you to see was a _mistake_?

Oh wow.

It wasn't. It was to go get you chasing < feces > that won't matter in a no fault state. And you are falling for it.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby dofb » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:56 am

hoosier_dad wrote:
dofb wrote:...we are supposed to receive a proposal tomorrow that includes 50/50 on parenting time, as well as 50/50 child care, and 1/3-1/3-1/3 on college costs, and decent exemptions for me, and I keep the house, and she agrees to stay in the same school district. If there are no easter eggs, it's actually a decent agreement other than the temporary maintenance I would pay her ($600 for 3 years or until she gets a job or remarries or is pregnant). Frankly, I don't want to pay that money to her at all. I am concerned that I would be stuck with child care 80/20 and bombing other things.


Aside from the agreement on future college costs and 3 year maintenance, the agreement seems to be a good agreement for you. So I'm a little confused what expected gains you and your attorney expect from throwing that inflammatory discovery grenade into the process when a decent proposal offer from the other side is imminent? I honestly can't see an outcome other than raising the level of conflict and potentially taking their proposal off the table.


That's what I have been thinking as well... but, there's the chance that I get sole custody. Lawyer and I have talked that having strangers come and go and the instability isn't in the best interest of the children. The way she talks to the children and she has behaved, this woman doesn't deserve them. Then again, I am biased.

On the maintenance... She needs to get a job and I shouldn't be responsible to pay for her to go to college for the third time. And part of me just wants to block it and let her deal with real world without me covering her behind.

Heck even the future college costs are good for me... I have ran the numbers (taking into account college cost inflation, etc.) and I end up fine. She ends up with big negatives in 10 years once the first child hits college.
Last edited by dofb on Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby dofb » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:58 am

BartSimpson wrote:
neighbors have informed me
That neighbor is evil, but the only thing worse than telling gossip is listening to gossip - and that's on you. It's even a commandment - thou shall not bear false witness. Do not let people tell you what the wife is doing, it is harmful to your case.


This was one of her friends that doesn't approve of what she's doing who told me this. Heck, even she has said that it's time that I protect myself and the kids.
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Re: Strategy update question

Unread postby dofb » Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:03 am

afc wrote:You think leaving the appointment on the counter for you to see was a _mistake_?

Oh wow.

It wasn't. It was to go get you chasing < feces > that won't matter in a no fault state. And you are falling for it.


Please see my response above. I agree and think that it doesn't matter in a no-fault state, and that's something I talked to my attorney about. But her take is, this kind of behavior is bad for the kids and we can ask for sole custody in the initial hearing. That sets the status quo and has her climbing uphill. Please note, she has no family or financial support.
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