Intro & Game Plan

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Chasbo » Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:50 am

Lots of really smart advice here. Both in the costs of divorce and the way to get your wife to get re-attracted again. Humans are complex and the science of attraction is difficult. Read the Married Mans Sex Primer by Athol Kay. It will at least give you a starting point for understanding what is going on.

My wife did the greener on the other side of the street. She's been trying to come back for literally years now. You can't escape yourself apparently. On the other hand I was in a loveless marriage and now I'm happier then ever. And my kids are doing great.

The one thing that is the planning the OP is doing ( are you an engineer?). None of the planning is per se wrong. But it leaves out that this isn't a 2+2 process. The wrinkles and the bs are endless. Your wife will do her best to alienate your kids from you. Look what the bad man did to us. Many boys are naturally protective of their mum. Will you be able to handle that?

She left me. I'm the " innocent" party. I didn't cheat. I didn't instigate the divorce. She had a Mr W. It made a big difference. You won't have that. All hell will break loose, I predict. I'm not judging your decision. Just speculating on the cost.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Chasbo » Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:58 am

And BTW quoting case law and putting out the $50k number is cute. You must not realize you are in the USA.

My friend is $300k in on legal fees already. His lawyer told him to sell his family home to pay more fees. His kids all despise him
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Sat Apr 22, 2017 8:46 am

lovingfatherof2 wrote:
HaltAndCatchFire wrote:Sounds like you backed off the dread game when she started asking about so-and-so. That is when you ramp it up not quit. You had her attention and then lost it when you backed off.

You've got some great advice about this topic. Ever think about creating a guide for it in the reference section? Hindsight is 20/20 for me, but doesn't have to be for the next guy that comes here.

FWIW, she didn't start insinuating there was another woman until after I told her we are divorcing, so I guess I needed to step up my game. Right now she's looking for reasons to blame me for the divorce, instead of accepting accountability in our failed marriage. I recognize and take responsibility for my part in our failed marriage. This is part of the confabulation I'm dealing with, which is why I will be deposing her early. She insists that I've done nothing as a father up until a year ago. Instead of arguing the point, I gut checked myself by putting together a parenting retrospective for the past three years detailing every extracurricular, social and educational event I could prove (photos, third party, email, calendar, etc). It's essentially a lite version of a parenting journal and shows a pattern of superdad behavior that counters her absurd claim. Each retrospective year is an average of 30 MS Word pages. For comparison, my parenting journal for the first four months of 2017 is 24 pages. If anyone here would appreciate that, I think it would be you.

I felt ignored in our relationship for years, to the point I was there only there to pay the bills, and told her as much many times. It took divorce to get her attention but I'm not interested in using divorce as an ultimatum catalyst. She's motivated to stay together because she's afraid of the uncertainty that comes with divorce, and doesn't want to give up any time with our kids. When I say she doesn't want to give up any time with our kids, she thinks me getting EOW would be more than I deserve.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:04 am

Chasbo wrote:The one thing that is the planning the OP is doing ( are you an engineer?). None of the planning is per se wrong. But it leaves out that this isn't a 2+2 process. The wrinkles and the bs are endless. Your wife will do her best to alienate your kids from you. Look what the bad man did to us. Many boys are naturally protective of their mum. Will you be able to handle that?

She left me. I'm the " innocent" party. I didn't cheat. I didn't instigate the divorce. She had a Mr W. It made a big difference. You won't have that. All hell will break loose, I predict. I'm not judging your decision. Just speculating on the cost.

I'm a strategist.

I've already had to address the "I'm the innocent party" alienation mindset in two separation counseling sessions post-divorce bomb drop (there won't be any others). She wanted to sit the kids down by herself and tell them it's all daddy's fault. With the counselor we verbally agreed to sit down and tell the kids together, and focus on alleviating anxiety with the kids. For separation (they haven't figured out we're sleeping in separate rooms yet), this is the messaging:

Mommy and Daddy are having trouble getting along. For now, we're going to stay in separate rooms. This is a grown-up problem that only adults can figure out. You haven't done anything wrong. This has nothing to do you with you. Mommy and I still love and want to take care of you even if things seem different for a while.

For divorce, we're still working on the wording and the timing. She was insistent on dropping the divorce bomb on them without being able to answer any questions about it, because there are no details to share yet. I personally don't want to tell them about the divorce until the decree is signed (end of year if I'm lucky) and we can share a < parenting time > calendar with them. I at least got her to agree to wait until they are out of school in a month, so it won't negatively affect their immediate schoolwork. This still needs some wordsmithing:

We loved each other very much in the beginning and wanted to make our family always be together. But we were wrong. We’ve made some mistakes and haven’t treated each other the right way. We’re going to live in different houses. And we think we’ll be better parents because then you won’t have to hear us arguing with each other.

You didn't cause the divorce. There is nothing to you can do to make it better. Parents don't fall out of love with their kids, like they can with a spouse. Your dad will always be your dad. Your mom will always be your mom. There is nothing you can do to make your dad stop being your dad, or to make your mom stop being your mom. We will love you forever and ever. We just won't be doing it in the same house. Though we will be living apart, we will still take care of you together.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Trevor » Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:18 am

Your language and your idea that the kids can't smell a rotting carcass seem either naive or delusional.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:46 am

Speaking from my own experience as a child of divorce and a decade spent as a divorced parent , those first few moments of breaking the news to the kids is insignificant when compared to what you do through and after divorce.

In the grand scheme of things, it's nothing.

Though your concern is understandable, the value is misplaced.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:47 am

Trevor wrote:Your language and your idea that the kids can't smell a rotting carcass seem either naive or delusional.

I'm transparent because I am open to advice. I've spent some time searching around looking for age-appropriate language and approaches for telling kids about separation and divorce, and that's the best I've got so far. I know it could be improved, and I want to improve it. I've looked at a few books, but they weren't age appropriate. Two Homes and Daddy Doesn't Live Here Anymore are targeted at a younger audience than my kids.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby RockyCali » Sun Apr 23, 2017 5:23 pm

Fatheroffour wrote:In the grand scheme of things, it's nothing.

Though your concern is understandable, the value is misplaced.

This is a really good point. I'm also the child of divorce. I was 15 and distinctly remember the conversation when my parents sat the three of us down (11-yo sis and 5-yo bro at the time). But I don't look to that conversation as a thesis for how things worked in the years since. I look to the body of behavior over the ensuing years.

I should remember this in my own situation. Less talk, more "do" is a good note to self.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby notsorewhat2do » Sun Apr 23, 2017 8:02 pm

You haven't explained how you get to 50/50 physical custody in a state where it isn't the norm -- once your wife has an attorney she/he will surely share this with her.

And I can't think of a father I know who has gone to court over parenting time who has gotten to 50/50.

Also, if you are in one of several metro counties, it can take years to get to court in a contested divorce, Fulton particularly.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:04 pm

notsorewhat2do wrote:You haven't explained how you get to 50/50 physical custody in a state where it isn't the norm -- once your wife has an attorney she/he will surely share this with her.

The only way everyone else around here gets it: By being a determined dad who makes 50/50 parenting the #1 priority. Right now, my wife isn't willing to discuss 50/50. Next step is applying a boot to the throat until she accepts it, or we go to trial. If there's no settlement, and a judge doesn't order 50/50, then I'll do what every other successful dad here is going: Not stop working on it until it's achieved.
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