Intro & Game Plan

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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:31 pm

Oh come on. There's a big difference between myopically catering to the kids every single moment, and sleeping with a person who isn't your spouse.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby afc » Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:41 pm

I think what gets some of us is that OP said she put kids (who are under teen years and each have an IEP) ahead of the marriage and _herself_.

So.....she was being a good mom rather obsessively to two young kids who need extra help.

Lots of guys here were married to women who were the opposite and would have given their right arm for that but instead did marry a woman who put herself first and foremost.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:48 pm

Bottom line: She prioritized our kids over everything, including herself and our relationship for many years, leaving no time for affection, companionship or intimacy.


We can only go by what the poster puts out there. He's lonely and is seeking happiness by divorcing what he presents as a great mom but bad wife.

At the same time he argues it's in the children's best interest to take them from that caregiver half the time.

Because some don't interpret the information provided how the OP wishes doesn't make them wrong.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby InAlcatraz » Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:57 am

lovingfatherof2 wrote:Marriage counseling is a scam IMO.

This is what you do:
Start exercising and lifting, get in shape, get ripped.
Change your entire wardrobe, completely change your look, little at a time or all at once.
Find hobbies and activities outside the home and away from your wife.
Make new friends and start being very social, without your wife.
Become mysterious, say little and explain nothing.
Take charge of everything at home.

Sounds counter intuitive but it is your best bet.


I did exactly this. So, now I have a ton of friends and go do really cool stuff - and she resents me for it. No matter than I invite her to do it all the time and she never goes. Fun for her is shopping, botox and the nail spa.

We just lead separate lives - and have the house and the children in common. We have no love and intimacy for each other. We do have sex often, b/c I'm HD and she knows that I'll bounce in a week if she doesn't. But is that ideal? Duty sex, albeit 3 times a week? It's like taking out the garbage.

I get what the OP is saying. He wants a wife that actually gives a < feces > about him. So she's a great mother and < feces-like > wife and he should stay and just sacrifice any chance he has at happiness? Living in a house with resentment, bickering and tit-for-tat is misery. Take it from me.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Apr 20, 2017 8:57 am

I think everyone gets what OP is saying. No one is misunderstanding. Not one.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Apr 20, 2017 9:24 am

InAlcatraz wrote:I did exactly this. No matter than I invite her to do it all the time and she never goes.


No you didn't. You aren't supposed to invite her, she is to know nothing more than what she sees and pieces together in her own mind.

InAlcatraz wrote:We just lead separate lives - and have the house and the children in common. We have no love and intimacy for each other. We do have sex often, b/c I'm HD and she knows that I'll bounce in a week if she doesn't. But is that ideal? Duty sex, albeit 3 times a week? It's like taking out the garbage.


That's called marriage. That's what marriage is, that's what long term relationships are too. If you think it will be different than this with anyone else you are in for a very rude awakening.

InAlcatraz wrote:He wants a wife that actually gives a < feces > about him.


Good luck with that.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Fri Apr 21, 2017 5:48 am

lovingfatherof2 wrote:Marriage counseling is a scam IMO.

This is what you do:
Start exercising and lifting, get in shape, get ripped.
Change your entire wardrobe, completely change your look, little at a time or all at once.
Find hobbies and activities outside the home and away from your wife.
Make new friends and start being very social, without your wife.
Become mysterious, say little and explain nothing.
Take charge of everything at home.

Sounds counter intuitive but it is your best bet.

YMMV, but the Gottman marriage counseling we did for a year was well thought out and based on actual research and data. The three Gottman books I read helped me classify the issues that had been present in our marriage for years. We tried to address those issues during counseling, but it takes two to make counseling work.

I've checked off everything on your hit list. Apparently I became so mysterious that my wife thinks there's another women (there's only ever been my wife). She started asking me "who is soandso" that would pop up as "someone you might know" suggestions for Facebook. Between that and Bart's social media recommendation, I deleted my FB account earlier this week.
The only way out is through.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Fri Apr 21, 2017 5:56 am

Fatheroffour wrote:The next 5 years are critical for his kids compared to the last 5. I think OP may find his timing on his search for happiness was ill timed.

I hope not.

My wife keeps pointing out that divorcing when she's unemployed is the worst possible timing. There's never a good time for divorce. I spent years changing my behavior, changing my attitude, trying to be a better husband, lowering my expectations and none of them were enough. The last thing I wanted in my marriage was divorce, but here I am. I've accepted it's time to let go and move on, rather than spend time projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Fri Apr 21, 2017 6:06 am

InAlcatraz wrote:I did exactly this. So, now I have a ton of friends and go do really cool stuff - and she resents me for it.

My wife reacted with resentment as well. I repeatedly encouraged her to have her own girl's night out, and she never did.

We just lead separate lives - and have the house and the children in common. We have no love and intimacy for each other. We do have sex often, b/c I'm HD and she knows that I'll bounce in a week if she doesn't. But is that ideal? Duty sex, albeit 3 times a week? It's like taking out the garbage.

I have a more intimate relationship with my right hand than my wife. Last year we had sex on average once every eight weeks, and that's only because I begged for it. And yeah, it always felt like duty sex and it sucked.

He wants a wife that actually gives a < feces > about him. So she's a great mother and < feces-like > wife and he should stay and just sacrifice any chance he has at happiness? Living in a house with resentment, bickering and tit-for-tat is misery.

Exactamundo.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Fri Apr 21, 2017 6:17 am

HaltAndCatchFire wrote:I've checked off everything on your hit list. Apparently I became so mysterious that my wife thinks there's another women (there's only ever been my wife). She started asking me "who is soandso" that would pop up as "someone you might know" suggestions for Facebook. Between that and Bart's social media recommendation, I deleted my FB account earlier this week.



That's exactly what you want her mind to start thinking. Some call it dread game. It has saved many relationships and marriages. Wife starts thinking that there is someone else (there isn't), you become far more attractive to her. Women want men that other women want. It makes sense, if no other women want you it's perceived in their subconscious mind as you being low value.

Sounds like you backed off the dread game when she started asking about so-and-so. That is when you ramp it up not quit. You had her attention and then lost it when you backed off.
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