Intro & Game Plan

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:19 am

dofb wrote:You are correct, being in a loveless marriage sucks, but it's also how you respond to it that matters. Will your kids see a fighter or will your kids see a quitter? How do you find your inner happiness? Or do you have codependency issues that you cannot function on your own?

My kids will see me as superdad.

Finding inner happiness is an evolution, and I'm not done. First step was to get rid of anxiety by living in the moment through mindfulness meditation. Next step is to develop gratitude which I'm doing via 5-minute journaling. The best way to explain my goal is this quote from the Dalai Lama: If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

My marriage is irretrievably broken. The relationship with my wife is full of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. That's no way to live. I made a genuine attempt to address it, and no other path forward remains except divorce or living in misery.
The only way out is through.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:25 am

afc wrote:A person with kids should go into a divorce with the assumption they will never remarry or find a soulmate, ever. You shouldnt leave FOR someone, whether that person is an actual real cupcake or some conception in your mind of someone out there who is better.

I agree. I have zero interest in finding another partner, and I think the concept of a soulmate is a lie.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:28 am

lovingfatherof2 wrote:You went about trying to save your marriage the wrong way, that's why it didn't work.

What's the so-called right way? I spent thousands on marriage counseling. I also tried to do marriage counseling years ago, and she stonewalled me. The super date night was there to demonstrate I took our MC homework seriously, and I was ready to do what it took. Every bit of homework we had, I made it a priority to get it done well.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:35 am

So my question to you guys who are trying to get this guy to stay with a wife who is not making any attempt on the marriage is this: Did you TRY when your wives said they were not happy? Did you "show up" for the MC appointments? Did you work on the things that your wives were not happy about?

His wife is not working on anything, and frankly - if your wives told you what the problems were and you refused to help then what did you think would happen?


I still believe the OP doesn't yet comprehend the waves of destruction ahead of him, but I also believe he's done everything he could, the traditional way [MC, dates] to save his marriage. So in a way I understand his exasperation even though I could have but did not do what he is about to do [and then I couldn't save my marriage anyway].
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:39 am

Marriage counseling is a scam IMO.

This is what you do:
Start exercising and lifting, get in shape, get ripped.
Change your entire wardrobe, completely change your look, little at a time or all at once.
Find hobbies and activities outside the home and away from your wife.
Make new friends and start being very social, without your wife.
Become mysterious, say little and explain nothing.
Take charge of everything at home.

Sounds counter intuitive but it is your best bet.
I type butter on mah phon
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby afc » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:40 am

OP, one thing that stuck out was this

"She prioritized our kids over everything, including herself and our relationship for many years"

Once you pull the trigger on the divorce YOU will be doing this. They will need to be prioritized over you and your needs for a long time. You will be undoing their world so YOU need to be the one to shove yourself low on your list to make sure this new world goes well for them.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:42 am

The next 5 years are critical for his kids compared to the last 5. I think OP may find his timing on his search for happiness was ill timed.


I hope not.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Havalu7 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:01 am

"Remain on the high road and don't fall onto the same path that she is on."

I had to quote the fan of the great actor James Garner 8 ) but,
actually IMHO Roger Staubach said it best "Take the high road, because there's less traffic." Or something to that effect.

OP stick around and tell us the outcome and what you have learned from your decisions. Its pretty obvious that the focus here is kids welfare first above all. Trust me everyone here will get hammered if they do moves that appear otherwise including me. It is worth it to take the opinions of all here, take what works for your kid(s) and leave the rest.

You have the fortitude to hang in there with the discussions and interact with compassionate dialogue; perhaps become a highly paid volunteer here and then assist with the new guys, after you have gone through your fire so to speak.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:59 am

Sure seems to me likely that she's got some < edited > on the side.
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Re: Intro & Game Plan

Unread postby SweetJ » Wed Apr 19, 2017 12:42 pm

Trevor wrote:Sure seems to me likely that she's got some < edited > on the side.


I wonder how many people here bemoaning this guy's intentions would feel the same way if she is indeed cheating on him. And if that's a difference maker for them, I'd have to ask why as the arguments to stay together would be the same, logically speaking.
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