Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby SquirrelNinja » Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:10 pm

Hi there,

The short of it: I'm in Plymouth County in MA and I know that long-term, I want to divorce my wife. But I need timing advice.

The details:
- Me: F/T middle management job with very long commute.
- Her: stay-at-home-mom (since before 1st kid was born) w/ no job.
- Married almost 10 years with drama along the way
- Kids: 2 daughters (8 & 5)
- All 4 of us been living in our home for almost 2 years (mortgage is 22% of my income)

First 8 years of marriage, I was always told how everything was always my fault. About 2 years ago she says she wants an open marriage (naturally, she had someone all lined up). I initially agreed, then changed my mind after a month when I realized it was a bad idea. She of course, disagreed so it continued. Because of it, it forced me to (1) become a LOT stronger and independent (2) realize that she has BPD tendencies (everything ALWAYS my fault; marriage counselor asked her what her contribution to our dysfunction is and she said "nothing") & her memory is highly susceptible to cognitive dissonance -- wow, was this one a HUGE shock.

She says that she doesn't want to get divorced and wants us to be a family, but she doesn't want to stop seeing other people because she "knows" that she'll never physically be enough for me (there is some truth to this). We get along well as friends, but clearly have struggled over and over with our emotional relationship. A few times I've let my emotions get the best of me where I've taken a stand against being taken advantage of ("I'm paying for your entire lifestyle, and you're intimate with someone else"). She doesn't like being held accountable and would frequently overspend on credit card on top of the infidelity, so last Fall I eliminated her access to all financial accounts except $500 on 1 credit card for emergencies. I now provide her with a cash allowance when I get paid to cover family expenses + small discretionary. She is a pretty good mother, but has no desire to get a job anytime soon (not even P/T); back when she was working she was fired 3 times in 3 years due to her lack of accountability (in hindsight, I should have given that more attention).

I just read the Real World Divorce chapter on MA and it was sobering.. I absolutely adore my kids and don't want to give up seeing them on a daily basis (even if it's just a couple hours during the week + on weekends). Nor do I really want to pay for a large house that I get absolutely no use from (if I move out). So.. Do I stay "friends" for another 10 years until the kids are mostly grown (if its not painful dealing w/ the wife) or do I start a divorce (based on moral principle) that will give the legal separation but destroy most everything I've worked my whole life for?

- SN
SquirrelNinja
New
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:48 pm

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby lionel2013 » Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:26 pm

I absolutely adore my kids and don't want to give up seeing them on a daily basis (even if it's just a couple hours during the week + on weekends).


If that's the case then you need to suck it up for another 10 years, because no matter what your wife will get some time with your kids, most likely 50%.

So there, you made it quite simple to answer, even though this is not the answer you wanted, I don't think.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
User avatar
lionel2013
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1993
Joined: Sun May 19, 2013 9:29 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby JimRockford » Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:22 pm

SquirrelNinja wrote: - Her: stay-at-home-mom (since before 1st kid was born) w/ no job.
- Married almost 10 years with drama along the way
- Kids: 2 daughters (8 & 5)
- has no desire to get a job anytime soon (not even P/T); back when she was working she was fired 3 times in 3 years due to her lack of accountability (in hindsight, I should have given that more attention).


- SN


I've picked out the above factors that will only push you farther into having to support her for the rest of her life. Right now you are already looking at several years. I wouldn't wait too much longer to make up your mind.
Deciding to go forward with a divorce is kind of like joining a brotherhood. However, it is a brotherhood that you really don't want to join.
JimRockford
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 946
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 12:48 am

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby dofb » Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:47 pm

Seems like you have to move to a different state. Maybe get a job in a different state and a house and file there...
dofb
50+ Posts
 
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Mar 18, 2017 9:29 pm

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby astrolink » Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:48 pm

First, here's the general rule for alimony in MA:
0 to 5 Years 50% length of marriage
6 to 10 Years 60% length of marriage
11 to 15 Years 70% length of marriage
16 to 20 Years 80% length of marriage
20 Years or more Indefinite Duration

If you divorce now, you will have a miserable marriage but see the kids part time. You will have a tremendous financial burden for 6 years until alimony ends.

If you divorce before 20 years, you are looking at 16 years of alimony later.

If you wait 20 years, you will have involuntary servitude for the rest of your life.

Note that the Massachusetts requires child support until age 23 if the child is still living with or dependent on a parent. It ends if the child gets a bachelor's degree before age 23. Also, MA courts can order college support.

i wish you well. All of the above choices are < feces-like > for you.
Last edited by astrolink on Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
astrolink
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 744
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:54 am

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby astrolink » Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:48 pm

dofb wrote:Seems like you have to move to a different state. Maybe get a job in a different state and a house and file there...


I didn't give that choice in my last post, but that IS the best choice!
“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
astrolink
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 744
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:54 am

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby SquirrelNinja » Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:59 pm

Yeah. I've accepted that no matter it will suck no matter which crappy option I choose.

I had read that alimony was unlikely in MA unless my income was over $250k?
SquirrelNinja
New
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:48 pm

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby JimRockford » Mon Apr 03, 2017 4:01 pm

SquirrelNinja wrote:I had read that alimony was unlikely in MA unless my income was over $250k?


You either misread that, or you read a document that is not worth the paper it is printed on.
Deciding to go forward with a divorce is kind of like joining a brotherhood. However, it is a brotherhood that you really don't want to join.
JimRockford
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 946
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 12:48 am

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby lionel2013 » Mon Apr 03, 2017 4:09 pm

I had read that alimony was unlikely in MA unless my income was over $250k?


You must have been dreaming.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
User avatar
lionel2013
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1993
Joined: Sun May 19, 2013 9:29 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Want to divorce, but not sure it's the right play (MA)

Unread postby whatever_works » Mon Apr 03, 2017 6:44 pm

Move to NH.
whatever_works
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:22 pm

Next

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: truemort and 5 guests