Dating Before Divorce is Final

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby learnedhardway » Tue Apr 04, 2017 6:57 am

part of our obligation on this forum is to help others since we have been helped.
I did this same thing and at the end of my first divorce in 2012, started dating. I felt, life is too short to wait around.. why not... she cheated on me anyways.. and a dozen other reasons. But what those before me have said already, you have to question the type of woman who dates a man who isn't even divorced yet. I believe exactly what JimRockford said below as well. If you are dating, you are complicating matters and you need to focus on the most important thing until the mission is complete. Another thing dating will do is potentially enrage your stbx. you don't care you say? Guess what? she can continue to make this divorce worse and last longer. You would be surprised how even though she is dating, if she finds out you are doing anything - how she will become worse. One year after divorce is final makes complete sense to EVERY single guy who has been thru this. Only the ones who haven't been thru it think it might be ok... think about that...
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Lenny1970 » Tue Apr 04, 2017 4:38 pm

Dave534, I started dating about 11 months after wife told me she wanted divorce. As long as you're up-front with your dates & why u think u got divorced, I think it's fine. As an illustrative example, I'm dating a woman in similar situation; where her stbx left her for younger woman. We're not having sex. But we talk. We're in same boat. Not sure why the hostility from some of the posters. It's not like you're goin to ruin your old marriage or anything. Good luck.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Apr 04, 2017 5:42 pm

Feel free to ignore the bad advice in the previous post. Ours is a time-tested and proven strategy; ignore it at your own peril.

That one or two offer counterpoints due to their personal experience, we know those are outliers. The overwhelming majority of the time, hanging out with women to whom you aren't married spells trouble.

Again, focus more on your kids and less on your schooling.

ETA: It isn't "hostility" to try to get someone to stop sprinting when he's about to faceplant into a wall.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby WunderWa11 » Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:55 pm

Hi, I'm new, but thought I would chime in as this has been on my mind lately as well.

I think it is kind of hard to make a blanket recommendation with something like this. Some guys could be ready to date in under a year, some guys might have gotten blindsided by a MA and need 3 years. I do think the advice to wait until you finalize your divorce is sound, but, if the STBX starts dragging her feet and the proceedings drag on, then maybe.

I do think at 5 months out you probably need to spend some time rediscovering yourself and what makes you happy. Chances are you lost a lot of yourself over the course of the marriage and you should probably take some time figuring out what you like again. FYI, sitting at a bar doesn't count. Camping, Hiking, Fishing, NASCAR, New Clothes, Making Lists Where Every Word Is Capitalized, idunno. Go do some stuff for you that won't be a factor in the divorce. Like buy a fishing pole, not a bass boat. Get a message once a month. New running shoes. Join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu place. Something like that.

Even though things are a mess, your STBX has kind of given you a gift of freedom that you didn't have when you were married. Don't squander that chasing tail right away.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:10 pm

I think it is kind of hard to make a blanket recommendation with something like this.

It's as controversial as...

You should date for at least a year before getting married.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby RC611V » Mon Apr 10, 2017 4:04 pm

And more controversial than 'The leading cause of divorce is marriage'
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby big guy » Mon Apr 10, 2017 7:13 pm

There are two huge reasons to not get involved right away with anyone.

1. There is a double standard in this world. Your ex wife thinks that she should be able to cat around all she wants and you should be fine with it, but if you think that you can do the same without her unleashing heck on you, you are sorely mistaken. Get all of the divorce taken care of first and end all financial entanglements before you ever think of looking at another lady.

2. It takes time to heal from divorce. The exact time frame to wait may be up for debate, but you need time to heal and find out who your are again. Being single can give you the freedom to enjoy life alone. That is a precious gift.
Being alone allows you to be introspective and work on yourself. You were complicit in the demise of your marriage. Identify those faults and work on them.

The best strategy is to go out with friends on group activities. It's hard. I still struggle with things and my wife left 4 and a half years ago.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Chasbo » Wed Apr 12, 2017 6:30 am

I think it depends on a lot of things. What do you mean by dating? What is your financial, legal, emotional situation?

You definitely have the potential to complicate things.

On the other hand, it took me 2 years to get a relatively amicable divorce. And I did date. I would say the benefits outweighed the negatives, but just barely. It's a crazy time and catastrophes are quite possible. Out of the frying pan into the fire.

I've seen guys who put other women in front of their kids. The result is losing their kids and losing the other woman as well down the line. Who respects a flake.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby DadWantsMore » Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:58 am

There are pros and cons to everything. Sometimes the cons majorly outweigh the pros. Sometimes nit. You'll need to decide it for yourself. Here's my story to maybe help you:

I left ex1, did not date right away, and got 50/50 of d1. About a year post separation ex1 got pregnant and about 2 years post separation I met my wife2. Once we were both in relationships we got our divorce with a tax return. Dissolution and all amicable, etc. Her now husband went to court to say the baby was his and all good. While I dated before divorce was final, ex and I were well settled into what ended up being written up and were long over each other.

I left ex 2 for another woman. I told her i was leaving. She said she is moving back to family cuz she couldn't support herself and her parents offered to pay for our attorney and divorce up to 2500 if we did a Dissolution. I had to pay the difference. About 500 when all was done. I got a < feces > deal with my d2 now. I had d1 to keep in current school district, I was dating someone aND the costs with that. I had a lot going on and fighting I'm court and racking up debt seemed stupid when I could be done for 500. Ex found out about my gf maybe a month or 2 later. She did not go she devil on me besides continuing to take my d2 back to where she grew up which was her plan even before she knew I was with someone else. I'm still with gf and going strong.

D1 situation: still 50 50. I'm still school placement. Ex1 has husband and 2 more kids with him but I have d1 50%. No child support.

D2 situation: eow screw job. She's engaged and pregnant and her new toy sees my d2 more than I do. Full child support and I never even get to claim her on taxes.

The situation where I waited for the dust to settle definitely worked out better for me. But not everything the forum said is true of the situation where I dated sooner: yes I got screwed and was distracted. But where the forum says it cannot work, I'm still with her after 2 years. More than 2 years. And the ex did not make my life more of a hell than she would have if I had not been dating.

Pros and cons. You date now, you prob won't walk away as well as you would have if you wait for the dust to settle.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby steelmark » Wed Apr 12, 2017 8:13 am

DadWantsMore wrote:Pros and cons. You date now, you prob won't walk away as well as you would have if you wait for the dust to settle.

So one of the cons is the potential of a bad deal where you miss out on time with your kids, cool.

Is there any pro that counters that?

Focus on the divorce and getting the deal done. You get one shot at custody.
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