Dating Before Divorce is Final

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 9:28 am

Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle , Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. -Rick
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby dofb » Sun Apr 16, 2017 8:55 pm

While I am not judging, I'd like to ask you if you have done any introspection? Will dating before all the dust is settled make you feel better? If so, why? Is it a codependence issue, an underlying self-esteem issue, or what? Take the time and discover yourself. Then, if you want to, you can find a companion - someone that adds more, but isn't necessary for happiness. If you desire sex, then try any one of the sites/apps available, but even that may be too soon. This is a trauma, and there's no point in trying to heal it by adding more. It's like going out to play through the pain when you have a concussion.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby fireman4953 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:20 pm

I agree that waiting and giving you time to heal and rediscover yourself should come first and foremost. Casual sex with no strings attached could work if you can handle it emotionally. But rebounding is a recipe for disaster.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby xfitizacult82 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 8:21 pm

Now my stbx has been out since aug16, at first it sucked without the kids. I have 50 50 per agreement and I thank guys on here for pointers on what to do for that.
Anyway, I thought I was good, doing my thing staying busy. I mean I can't stand her but something happened like I had a relapse and all the feelings and hurt came back. For about 15 months she treated me like a babysitter while I was relegated to the guest bedroom. It's still hard going in there. I did it for the kids.
And I'm in no position to even try to be with another. She's now with the guy she cheated on me with and my kids love him.
So buddy, these guys are spot on. Wait. Work on you. If your hurt is like mine it's going to take a while. She chewed me up and spit me out. Being a dad is way more important though I agree there's nothing like companionship of a woman.

Try a counselor? I'm def going. It's too rough not to.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Chasbo » Wed Apr 26, 2017 6:49 am

Fatheroffour wrote:
Chasbo wrote:I think it depends on a lot of things. What do you mean by dating? What is your financial, legal, emotional situation?

You definitely have the potential to complicate things.

On the other hand, it took me 2 years to get a relatively amicable divorce. And I did date. I would say the benefits outweighed the negatives, but just barely. It's a crazy time and catastrophes are quite possible. Out of the frying pan into the fire.

I've seen guys who put other women in front of their kids. The result is losing their kids and losing the other woman as well down the line. Who respects a flake.


What would those things be?

The pros of dating would be ...distraction? Enjoyment? Feeling better about oneself? I assume those were the sort of benefits you received that outweighed the negatives. I know you're a stud but these dates werent paying your rent and attorneys fees were they?



I don't think it makes sense to totally discount things like distraction or feeling better about oneself. On a personal level, my divorce cost less then a couple of thousand dollars and I didn't spend much on dates. That's what I mean when I say that everyone's situation is different.

Dating got me out of an emotionally very bad place. I saw a couple of shrinks but found them useless. Dating at that point in my life was probably the most satisfying and interesting time in my life. Yes it did cause a few issues with jealousy from the ex. But at the same time it taught us both some important lessons.

After I got divorced my ego was utterly shot. So I became the dollar store stud for a bit and it totally revitalized me. I was a better dad and a better ex and a better provider because I didn't want to shoot myself every morning.

Do I recommend that route for everyone. Absolutely not. But I also don't think one size fits all. I got snipped reducing my downside considerably. I also had 70% custody in the beginning. I'm also not advocating endless mindless sex-it gets boring and depressing also. But I would argue it can also have it's place in your recovery.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Apr 26, 2017 7:30 am

I don't think it makes sense to totally discount things like distraction or feeling better about oneself.


I dont discount those issues at all. I only note that where you seek you will find. For some, that might be in the arms of another, for others it might be climbing the mountain, getting a degree, advancing their career or learning all there is to know about statute and case law surrounding their issues.


But I also don't think one size fits all.

Our posting history shows we share this perspective.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Chasbo » Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:44 am

Ideally I would have taken my bike around South America and lived on a beach for a year. Obviously not possible.

But I agree there are many great alternatives, maybe less dangerous things then dating. I've seen a friend ruin his relationship with his kids because he put women before them. It's a horrible mistake.

So it makes sense to give the blanket advice not to date if you are talking to irresponsible people. When I talk to my kids about drugs for instance, I don't tell them never to take any drugs. I explain to them the differences in drugs. I try to finesse my advice to actual reality. The alternative is the just say no approach with its abysmal failure rate. To me things aren't black and white. So my advice tends to be a little more hedged.


.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:57 am

Fair enough. I see it like advising a compulsive drinker to stop drinking and settle the issues his drinking has caused instead of just cutting back to the occasional beer. We all know how just one beercan escalate out of control.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby afc » Wed Apr 26, 2017 9:06 am

So many of these guys are coming out of marriages where sex, intimacy and physical affection were non existent for a long time. It's almost like they were starving.

And if youre ever starved for a long time, the _worst_ thing to do for your health is to jump right in and binge on hot fudge sundaes once you have access to food. You could kill yourself that way.

So that's pretty much where I come from. To a guy coming out of a physically starved marriage, _anything_ that is halfway decent looking and doesnt shudder when touching his bathing suit parts is going to be really attractive. And there are a lot of women out there who can be those two things and crazier than a < feces > house rat.

Get attached to one of those women during the divorce and there is potential to eff up not only his life but the lives of his kids.

So to me, not worth the risk. Too much at stake.
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Re: Dating Before Divorce is Final

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:04 am

Chasbo wrote:So it makes sense to give the blanket advice not to date if you are talking to irresponsible people.

But here's where I think you're wrong. It's not whether someone is irresponsible. It's mostly about them being vulnerable. And I haven't met a person in the imminence or pendency of divorce who isn't vulnerable. Further, I would argue that those people are the worst judges of their own vulnerability.
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