Help in Ohio...

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Help in Ohio...

Unread postby infgg900 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:44 pm

Sorry this is so long, but telling this is like therapy...

Last Friday my 19 year old son, his girlfriend and I came into our house to find my wife having sex with his 19 year old best friend. She was doing this in the open living room while my youngest son (15) was upstairs and could have come down any moment. My wife and I are 42, and she has known her lover since he was 12.

If seeing them in the act was not enough (two eye witnesses in addition to me) during the subsequent argument, she didn't notice her phone sitting on a stand. I picked it up, and the only message on it not deleted was from her to him: "i want to f... you one last time."

Since then, my son has heard from friends who knew and said this started in late February. Two others (late teens, maybe 20) said she asked them for their numbers as well. (They said they were pretty grossed out by it.) Looking at when she started sending text messages en masse to this kid, the late February time frame matches up.

We have been married 21 years. Never saw this coming...yadda, yadda. In fact, the last few weeks (during this affair, sickeningly enough) have been extremely affectionate, and I have the explicit text messages from her to me to demonstrate that...

She left the house that night and hasn't been back. We've communicated via text, and I saw her twice, once when I took our 12-year-old daughter to see her because I thought they both needed it.

My wife was extremely remorseful during that visit and usually is when we communicate, but she has these odd moments of defensiveness that border on crazy. For example, earlier today she justified sleeping with her 19-year-old son's best friend because I "changed your Facebook last year so I could only see our mutual friends." (I feel ridiculous even answering that charge, but if true it probably was a result of me changing global privacy settings or something.)

Of course, my 19-year old is devastated. He feels like he lost both a best friend and a mom that night.

Our 17 year old daughter has a history of depression (she has been institutionalized) and self harm (cutting) and my wife's family knows this. Nevertheless, the next day after they found out about the affair, they started attacking my daughter via social media messages. They disparaged me and said we should forgive my wife because my wife forgave my daughter and my other kids through their horrible mistakes. (My kids defended me and called out the ridiculousness of this, on their own, both adeptly and repeatedly.)

Probably enough of backstory that probably doesn't matter when it comes to the legal separation, but...

I want to end it.

I think she'll go for a dissolution but I don't know.

She has no money for an attorney.

We have a 22 year old, a 19 year old, a 17 year old, a 15 year old and a 12 year old.

She currently pays about $700 in monthly utilities and $400 in monthly groceries. I pay the rest -- about $2,500 is my share plus $400-$500 in groceries.

We pay our own car payments and we each have roughly equal amounts of credit card debt in our names.

We have maybe 15k equity in our home -- more like zero after repairs and commission and fees to sell it.

I have about 108k combined in a 401k and an IRA. She has just $7000 in a 401k from a previous job.

As for our salaries, I'm not sure what the court looks at.

The average of my last three W2 Box 1s is $75,059; hers is $58,938 (hers is pulled down because she made just $37k in 2014).

The average of my last three gross salaries is $88,615; hers is $61,140 (not much more because she put hardly anything into retirement).

I got a decent raise in January. Right now my gross is 108,000. She got another job in December (I didn't like it...) and gave up about $15,000 in overtime because the new job is way less stressful and more flexible. Her gross is now 60,000 or so.

Right now, she says she doesn't want the house, and she accepts that the kids want to live with me and will. (They all found out about the affair from the 19 year old.)

I know the court won't look at the affair (regardless of how messed up it is) when they calculate the financial aspects.

That said, what advice do you guys have? What tips do you have to help me come out of this as whole as possible so I can raise the kids?

Is the salary differential enough that I'll have to pay spousal support? Will she pay child support?

Thanks...
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:56 pm

Hello,

What is your parenting plan for the two minor children, 50/50?
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:30 pm

She is probably experiencing extreme embarrassment and guilt.

She would probably sign just about anything you put in front of her.
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby infgg900 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 9:07 pm

BartSimpson wrote:Hello,

What is your parenting plan for the two minor children, 50/50?


I'm OK with shared parenting, although the fact that she was having sex with the 19 year in an open area of the house next to the room the 15 year old was in has me seriously questioning where her head is at right now, or if that even makes her fit. (My son also had a friend in the room with him.) To be clear, she has never done anything even remotely like this before. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis, she's gone off the deep end or what.

But, yes, I think a shared plan at least for the youngest daughter would be good for her (edit: I mean the daughter).

It might not matter with the 15 year old. At least right now, he shows no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with her (but it's only been a week).

That said, she's stated several times that she plans to quit her job and move two hours away. I was told by one attorney during a free consultation that our county's judge would never approve shared parenting if she moves that far out of town.
Last edited by infgg900 on Thu Mar 16, 2017 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby infgg900 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 9:12 pm

lovingfatherof2 wrote:She is probably experiencing extreme embarrassment and guilt.

She would probably sign just about anything you put in front of her.


I'm praying for a quick dissolution... I have told her that would be the only way the details would not be public record because in an at-fault divorce all the evidence of adultery would be included.

Three days after she was caught and left the house, she went out of town to her sister's. She's supposed to be back Monday.

Just curious... What would you suggest I stipulate? Start with everything plus the state mandated child support (various calculators suggest her payment would be $900-$1,000) and negotiate down from there?
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Mar 16, 2017 9:36 pm

You have been married 21 years.

Has there never been any drama in your marriage before?
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby infgg900 » Fri Mar 17, 2017 9:53 pm

BartSimpson wrote:You have been married 21 years.

Has there never been any drama in your marriage before?


No. Normal bickering, but that has been rare for the past five or six years.

Frequent sex. No affairs that I know about (except for this last one).

No one has abused the kids, although she's always been very strict (but not abusive).
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Mar 17, 2017 10:06 pm

OK.

What is it about this event that troubles you most - name only one thing.
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby infgg900 » Sat Mar 18, 2017 11:05 am

BartSimpson wrote:OK.

What is it about this event that troubles you most - name only one thing.


Receiving enough financial support from her to provide for the children.
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Re: Help in Ohio...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Sat Mar 18, 2017 11:07 am

I'm asking a different question.

What about the mother's behavior - engaging in sex outside the marriage, doing the kid on the couch - makes it over-the-top and necessary to divorce? The sex, the youth, the location, the exposure, name the one thing that requires this option of divorce?
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