Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby afc » Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:41 pm

You need to let her go. After the latest relapse, she probably just thought she can't live like this anymore. She gave you a lot time and this life just isnt for her. If you have no kids, then this is pretty easy.

Do you have a good job? Enough to pay for your own living expenses or were you dependent on her?

I know this is hard for you but she is done. Get a lawyer, see what the papers say. If she is proposing a 50/50 split of assets, shaking hands and going separate ways then take her up on that because that's as good as it gets.
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:42 pm

Ah, yes.

I see the problem now. I understand what happened with the wifey.

I'm curious, do you actually believe you suffer from an incurable and fatal disease that is only held in remission by divine intervention?
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby Rexg1979 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:46 pm

BartSimpson wrote:Ah, yes.

I see the problem now. I understand what happened with the wifey.

I'm curious, do you actually believe you suffer from an incurable and fatal disease that is only held in remission by divine intervention?


Yes, but the divine intervention thing is up for interpretation...I do know that I will have to be actively involved in treatment for the rest of my life...
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:52 pm

Setting aside how that is an irrational belief, she clearly didn't accept it.

If your wife had joined a religious cult, with daily meetings, and demanded that the cult's beliefs be practiced in your home - demanding that the rituals and traditions of this cult must now be part of your marriage - should you accept that?
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby Rexg1979 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 1:40 pm

BartSimpson wrote:Setting aside how that is an irrational belief, she clearly didn't accept it.

If your wife had joined a religious cult, with daily meetings, and demanded that the cult's beliefs be practiced in your home - demanding that the rituals and traditions of this cult must now be part of your marriage - should you accept that?


Setting aside the how apparent and cliche it was where you were going all along with your questioning, she pushed for AA and had been going to al-anon on her own. I didn't give AA a chance until being in rehab. I'm also doing individual counseling and smart recovery. The notion that I brought "cult-life" into our household is both incorrect and ad hominem.
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby afc » Thu Mar 16, 2017 1:50 pm

Do you have kids?

Do you own property together?

Do you have a job where you can support yourself?

Do you accept the fact that she is done being married to you and there is nothing you can say or do to make her come back?

Do you accept that even trying to contact her or her family members in an attempt to make her come back is not a right of yours?
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby MegaDad » Thu Mar 16, 2017 1:58 pm

OP,

Very sorry you got blindsided by this, its a < feces-like > situation that you just have to slog through and come out as clean as you can on the other side. No other way about it, as another poster said, this divorce is going to happen wither you participate or not.

You have been given some great advice so far, and I urge you to follow it. If you need clarification on something, or why you should do a certain thing, we will be happy to make sure you understand the counsel we are providing.

I will add my own piece to the pie here, READ OTHER THREADS. As you can see we have the different topics divided up, I recommend perusing other threads in the Before and During Divorce section. You will start to see common threads among many of the posters here, and you will also see the same advice given again and again for particular situations. This is because it has been found to be effective, so discount nothing!

*You will need to develop a thick skin here. We are here to help but we don't pull punches. We tell you what you NEED to hear, not nessesarily what you may WANT to hear. Capiche?
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:31 pm

SMART Recovery is where I was going. A scientific approach which does not require lifelong treatment.
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby astrolink » Thu Mar 16, 2017 5:10 pm

I've seen both treatments plans used effectively. I guess it depends on a persons beliefs. I suspect participating in both would be the most effective, although it depends on the person.
“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
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Re: Wife left, filed, and has had no contact...

Unread postby 2Dadwipp » Fri Mar 17, 2017 1:27 am

I agree with the others that the relationship is over and you need to get a lawyer and prepare for divorce. Learn as much as you can to protect yourself from getting nailed. She is definitely 10 steps ahead and preparing to gain as much as possible.

Now if you still wanted to reconcile with this woman and believe you still love her it will not be easy. The fact is your problems with alcohol and the lies that come with it, create lasting damage and eliminate any level of trust. Once she has reached the point in seeking divorce, things are pretty much final. She has already decided that a life without you is better than one with you in it. No doubt because of the addiction.

If you want to get her back, do not seek the help of her friends or family. They are not your advocate. If you gain contact with her, do not beg, plead, bargain, guilt or otherwise try to convince her to get back together. Don't try to convince her that you have changed or that you will change. She most certainly has heard this before. Instead tell her you understand why this has happened and that you only wish the best for her.

Instead focus on yourself and your recovery. Make positive changes in yourself and do what makes you happy. Exercise and get heathy. Socialize with friends. Get a better job if you need to. Over all just be a better version of you. The only way to change her mind is if she truly sees a change in you. If she sees that your not the person who made her want to divorce you and your more like the person she fell in love with to begin with she is more likely to consider giving it a second chance.

Obviously if the divorce is already final or she tries to unfairly take you for everything she can during it, she may not be worth the fight. But if you think she is worth fighting for your best chance is by becoming the best version of yourself. If it doesn't work out, you have lost nothing that wasn't already gone and gained a lot for yourself.
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