Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:16 pm

Suit yourself, but your selling yourself short.

My presence beats routine. Yours could too, if you try.

Enjoy your EOW
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:29 pm

jblue wrote:I would honestly never do that 50/50 thing. And I don't get why it exists. If i had the choice of getting him EOW or getting him HALF the time.... I'd do EOW unfortunately. I'd hate it....but I would never want him to be shipped around like that. How do you spend half the time one place...then half at the other. That sounds like a MESS for the kid. And unfortunately, I'd "rather" have him EOW in that case....for HIS sake. No matter how much I'd suffer


Wow, you are going to be a lot of work if one of us really puts his mind to convincing you to do the right thing ...

There is nothing wrong with 50/50. We're not talking about one day with you/one day with his mother, that, indeed, would be chaotic. Week/week, or two weeks/two weeks. Kids can handle that just fine. It's done all the time, yours won't be the first and he won't be the last.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:31 pm

I question the value of a father that needs to be convinced to father.

Dudes probably right, his kids will be better off with EOW
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby afc » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:36 pm

A routine can be any arrangement that is consistent.

50/50 IS a routine. It might not be a routine that you think is optimal but hey, lots of routines arent.

Kids do fine even when they dont have a perfect "routine".

You get every other weekend and most of your time, you are not an involved father. You don't check homework, make dinner, discipline, do bedtime. You become a single guy again, rather quickly. And you will use that free time dating, chasing tail, etc.

And soon enough, something else (usually with long legs and < breasties >) comes along and fills up that time that is YOUR CHILD'S.

You don't get to go back to being a single, dating man with no real consistent child rearing of your flesh and blood. It's not fair to your kid. You can move on from your ex, but not your kid and if you settle for EOW you are telling him you are moving on.
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby Phoenix853 » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:37 pm

Personally I want to raise my child vs. some other random guy.

You do realize that another guy will be raising your child. When your just a place to visit when mom needs a little poke, says little about your worth as a father.

My kids spend 7/7 with me and there is little "shuffling". I take an active parental role in their upbringing. Help with homework, teach my kids moral values, new traditions, and what you do with lemons.

The other thing is, the child has the right to see both parents equally. When One parent doesn't want to do their parental duty, the child will soon follow suite. Don't be surprised when child(ren) don't want to spend the limited time with you down the road.

Your going to find little sympathy from this group for your lack custody.
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby jblue » Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:28 pm

"little sympathy" is not the word I was thinking of....

Maybe I am not "verbalizing" it properly. And the more I read (from the people who are CONSTRUCTIVELY criticizing...) the more I started to understand and consider the 50/50 thing. I would love nothing more than to have my son every single day for the rest of my life. I am way more hands on as a parent than his mother is (not bad mouthing her...it's just true). My life revolves around my son. I do not date.... I do not go out. I work ... and think of things I can do with my son, etc. And miss him all the freaking time.

I was under the impression that a 50/50 thing causes havoc in the child's life. It seems odd to me. I've never had to deal with it or known anyone who has. I thought I was sacrificing for the sake of my son... putting him before myself like I always do. But when people word it PROPERLY...I get it. And yes, I DO deserve to have him at least half of the time. We BOTH do.

I get yelled at and criticized by my wife (like his past bday in jan) for WATCHING HIM. While she hangs out with everyone...drinking...not paying any attention at all to our 2 year old..... as he is climbing a steep wooden ladder to climb to the treehouse/slide. And yells at me "LEAVE HIM! HE'S FINE!!" .... so yes... just like I want custody (or in FL....whatever they call the one who has the most time). I think he is better off with me and my influences. No less, me actually giving a damn about watching him and making sure he is safe. And not just use him as an accessory.

man, ......... I'm not sure who's more frustrating to deal with.......my wife...or some of you guys.. no less a "moderator". Shame. I thank you afc and Phoenix for talking like human beings and providing a different outlook (one that I was already aware of... and felt... but I guess I thought I was doing the "right" thing by my son to have a "routine"... but like you said... it is still a routine. And I guess you get used to what you live. Thank you for your thoughts
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby afc » Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:38 pm

Good man.

You need to get out of the "all or nothing" mindset. You seemed to have a general demeanor of "if I can't have full custody then I might as well only have every other". And that isnt fair to your son or to you. 50/50 if far better in every way than just EOW.

Think about who you see EOW in life. Do you really _know_ them? Who could that even be? The UPS guy?

If you settle for EOW, you become the UPS guy in your kid's life. And the next guy she latches onto and moves in becomes "daddy". Maybe not in name but in real life. He will be the one there every school night to go over homework. He will be cheering at Little League. He will be the one teaching your child how to cook meals, print, hammer a nail, etc.

And I never meant that you would willingly choose dating or a new woman over your kid. But if you get EOW, you will need to do something with your time and all that emotional energy that would be going toward your kid. And lots of the time there is a woman who can smell that desperation and take advantage.

Don't let that happen. You are a father.
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby Phoenix853 » Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:51 pm

I'll add to afc in saying.

A lot of men have 50/50. Maybe not the men you know, but most states are pro 50/50.

Children are resilient and can easily adapt to the back and forth or post divorce life. They become used to it as they become used to DAD being around a lot.

When your not around a lot you get forgotten and eventually replaced. Ask anyone here who has 50/50 and they will tell you that they are glad they fought for it or pushed for it. Ask those with EOW and they will tell you that they are pushing to get more time with their child(ren) and want more time or equal.

Your talking to the wrong group when asking friends or people you know. It's not normal to have one parent pushed out of the kids lives. If you were still married they'd have both of you more than equal.

The reason it's becoming more of the norm, is because studies show that kids fair better in life with both parents taking an equal role in their kids lives.

Time to pick up a book, spend some time hear reading stories, or asking questions. Everyone here is here to help and we don't sugar coat it or hold your hand or whisper sweet nothing in your ear. You will need to get thick skin. We care about your kids and your ability to parent your kids equally. When your come her wanting EOW, it is a slap in the face to those guys who had to fight and give up everything they have just to get 50/50. Don't slap people in the face.

I'm glad you see where we are coming from. Now lets get you some 50/50.
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby jblue » Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:52 pm

afc wrote:Good man.

You need to get out of the "all or nothing" mindset. You seemed to have a general demeanor of "if I can't have full custody then I might as well only have every other". And that isnt fair to your son or to you. 50/50 if far better in every way than just EOW.

Think about who you see EOW in life. Do you really _know_ them? Who could that even be? The UPS guy?

If you settle for EOW, you become the UPS guy in your kid's life. And the next guy she latches onto and moves in becomes "daddy". Maybe not in name but in real life. He will be the one there every school night to go over homework. He will be cheering at Little League. He will be the one teaching your child how to cook meals, print, hammer a nail, etc.

And I never meant that you would willingly choose dating or a new woman over your kid. But if you get EOW, you will need to do something with your time and all that emotional energy that would be going toward your kid. And lots of the time there is a woman who can smell that desperation and take advantage.

Don't let that happen. You are a father.



Thank you.... and no, I agree. I am a FATHER. I consider that to be WHO I am. Nobody has ever - or will ever - come before my child. That's the one thing everyone knows about me. You can have the best night planned etc....invite me out. If I have my son... Im not going anywhere.... even when we lived together. I wasnt going out. Even when we were just separated and I wanted to spend time with her (my wife) and she'd invite me over....she'd get aggravated because 95% of my time was with HIM. Which... well SOMEBODY had to watch him since her idea of watching him is sitting on the couch with a beer while he goes wherever out of sight around the house. Which is the main reason I want custody. So, once I think of the reasons why i want him for full custody.... and the way you worded it.... i have every reason TO go for 50/50 at LEAST. I always look out for my lil guy :)
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Re: Question about starting of a divorce - signing papers

Unread postby jblue » Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:54 pm

Thank you Phoenix


i appreciate it and understand
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