The money split

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The money split

Unread postby intmpe » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:18 pm

I am a 43 yo man in Arizona thinking of getting a divorce.

As I see is usual she is a totally different person to when we met, quite nasty to me and the kids, only interested in money - unable to cope with spending any time with the kids - basically I baby sit all weekend every weekend while she shops. I also sleep with the oldest of my 2 boys (5 and 6) everynight and have so since he was born - I havent slept with my wife for 6 years now, and when I suggest it she has no interest in returning to pre-kid sleeping arrangements.

The oldest will def want to come with me. I am the only one he talks to. She is quite nasty to him - as I said, short and no time for kids. The youngest sleeps in a crib in her room, so he feels closer to her even though she treats him badly. He knows I love him though.

My question is that I came here in 2005 after getting a PhD in Australia in 2004. As a result I came here on a fairly high paying wage. My wife followed after we were married in late 2006. I have paid for most of the 2 houses we own (about 1.2 million in total I guess). I pay about 6-8K a month. I put all my stock into it as well (~80K). She pays about 1K a month into it.

I am wondering since I was well qualified before we were married whether she is entitled to half or more of all my earnings since then? I hope to take both the kids with me (as I said 1 will def come with me 0 he dislikes his mother.)

Any advice or help would be most appreciated.
John
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Re: The money split

Unread postby BartSimpson » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:28 pm

Hello,

You have things backwards. You need to get the custody settled before you deal with the assets.

And you certainly don't understand how Custody works - the children will not have a choice and will not be separated. Did you have plans to move away from the mother?
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Re: The money split

Unread postby JimRockford » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:30 pm

You live in a community property state, which basically means that she is entitled to half of everything from the date of marriage to the date of separation. Depending on the differential in salary she may be entitled to support for a period of time.

Your ideas on custody are way off. Unless she has some very serious safety issues (abuse, addiction), custody will be split, your goal should be 50/50. You should also read "The List" and start developing a plan of action.

From what you have written, it does not appear that she is in any hurry to act, that should give you adequate time to decisively plan. Once you plan and find an attorney, you need to then move the plan into action.
Deciding to go forward with a divorce is kind of like joining a brotherhood. However, it is a brotherhood that you really don't want to join.
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Re: The money split

Unread postby intmpe » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:37 pm

Thanks for your quick replies, its really helpful. I don't care about the money so much other than for the kids.

As far as custody goes - she will not want the oldest around. She might want the youngest around, I am not sure.

Yes I was planning on a new start away near the coast - I had a job offer a while back and declined but think I could swing it in future if need me.
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Re: The money split

Unread postby BartSimpson » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:59 pm

Can I ask you a question, since you are an educated man?

In nature, if a baby bird prematurely rejects a parent, or a parent rejects the baby bird, that's not a good thing, right?
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Re: The money split

Unread postby intmpe » Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:29 am

I would think its a terrible thing.

The oldest was a very sensitive baby. He would be difficult in most ways. She thought he was Austistic but he isn't just very strong willed - pig headed. In some ways they are very much alike. The youngest is alot like me - laid back - just let things slide.

As a result the eldest difficult child (although much improved now) and his Mother fight alot. Usually if I come home a bit later, by the time I walk in the door they will be fighting. It winds her up until she goes a bit crazy - she'll yell at him things like - "What will you do when I die in a car crash".

There are times when I've had enough when I hear her talk to them like that and told her she was crazy. Other times when we've had a fight and she suggested she move out.

As far as a plan/scenario goes, if I was a little less laid back and tolerant, I could call her out a bit more often and suggest she move out. If she was out of the house - perhaps move into our rental, and I was in custody of the 2 kids - would that be a favourable scenario for either settling or divorce proceedings - particularly if I wanted to take them away closer to some family (we have no family in Arizona - she fights with hers so I would take them close to mine)?
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Re: The money split

Unread postby madalex » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:25 am

intmpe wrote:I also sleep with the oldest of my 2 boys (5 and 6) everynight and have so since he was born.

The youngest sleeps in a crib in her room


WTF?!?!

Your kids are long past old enough to be sleeping by themselves in their own rooms. Still sleeping with dad at age 6 and in a crib in mom's room at age 5 is a problem.

Your "laid back" style has allowed your wife to walk all over you and threatens to create serious issues for your children. Before you start the divorce process, I'd recommend seeing a therapist who can help you understand the need to set and enforce boundaries, both with your wife and your children.
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Re: The money split

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Wed Mar 15, 2017 8:50 am

The advice thus far has been good. I will echo what was said but also point out that it's unlikely you will be able to move to the coast, or anywhere away from your stbx if you wish to have your kids in your life. Absent any proof of abuse or danger to the children, I doubt any court would allow this. Nor would a court allow your kids to be separated at such a young age. As older teens, maybe more likely.

The standard advice on this forum, which I agree with whole heartedly, is to settle custody first. Anything less than 50/50 joint legal/physical custody is unacceptable, and your stbx needs to be aware of that right out of the gate. If she will not agree to that then you cut off all communication and set for trial, which will possibly bankrupt you both. Once she sees you are serious, she will back down. Once you settle custody then you move on to assets and support.

Your stbx sounds like a miserable person and while that currently means you live in an unhappy household and have to deal with the daily grind of a loveless marriage, it could mean serious conflict and battle once you file for divorce (and yes, YOU should file). This means you need to prepare now and start to toughen up on your boundaries, which sound like you have allowed to soften or erode.

Your assets are likely to be divided in half, but you should look into whether the stock you put into your real estate qualifies for reimbursement (in CA it would).

Good luck.
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Re: The money split

Unread postby intmpe » Mon Mar 27, 2017 2:09 am

Thanks for the advice so far guys... its been really helpful.

I have a number of other questions to ask that maybe someone can help me with.

As I may have mentioned my wife wakes up at about midday on the weekends and gets ready. Usually she is ready about 1:30pm. On Saturday, she then takes them swimming around 2pm - returning 3 or 4 depending on of she makes some stops. I take care of the kids from morning usually around 8:30 until 2. I have found out (from my boys) that she meets someone at swimming called "Gena" but have come to learn from my boys that its a man called "Gene". I found this out because I drop both boys off for school and some of the other kids were asking me if I was "Gene". Since I am not a woman I said to my wife is who is Gene that seems to pick up my youngest from school (I drop them off in the morning, my wife is supposed to pick them up). Her response was that Gena's son works across the road and picks the youngest up in case she is late.

So this has been all playing on my mind and so I went onto ebay and ordered a GSM/GPS tracker and hid it in my youngest booster seat (tell me if this is legal or not). She leaves me each day of the weekend after she gets ready to go out with a list of things to do around the house. I keep telling her I want to go somewhere on the weekend but there is always an excuse (ulta beauty steal sale etc etc). So while I was cleaning up around the house I alsso regularly tracked her position. So she leaves the house at 3:50 or so and does 95mph down the freeway until she gets off at Genes exit and drives straight to his condo. He has video games at the house and the boys play them. I've tried to ask what does "mommy and gene" do but all I've got so far is that he can't hear what they talk about.

So at about 5 after doing a bit I decide to hop in the car and drive to the location. Sure enough her car is parked alongside the front entrance (which I took a picture of). She stayed there according to my tracking when she returned at 8pm.

So I am wondering what you guys think of this situation?. This is the first time I've tracked her (not sure if its legal). Next weekend I am going to track her on Saturday night and see if she spends until 3AM with him.

Should I try to get some pictures of him, bug her bag etc? I'm keeping a journal beginning today with the tracking. How long should divorce jounals last? a few weeks/months/years ? Are the valuable at all?

Also I have a rather hairy question - we were married in Australia (dual citizens). I have been offered a few job there recently and this situation kind of makes me want to be back closer to family. If I were to take the boys back for a holiday to Grandma' - she probably wouldn't come anyway as she hates traveling with them, would I be better off to file for divorce their - I think alimony is somewhat short there. Also if I were to take the job my wage would tumble to less than hers. Would a judge take a dim view of this?

Sorry for the long post.. lots happening
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Re: The money split

Unread postby intmpe » Mon Mar 27, 2017 2:19 am

I forgot to mention - and this is a bit of a kicker - the person who owns the house's name is Jean according to public records.. but I think she just rents it. I showed the real Jean's pic - 53 yo western woman - on linked in to my oldest son and he has never seen her. So I showed him a screen full of mens faces and he picked out a roughly 40 yo Asian man as closest match. So I have to assume the man picking up the boy from school is probably not called Gene and is also not the owner of the property but a tennant. Would my wife possibly go to this much trouble to disguise the identity of a man she drops the kids off at if this is all harmless? Am I going mad - do people really do this stuff?
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