need advice on possible divorce

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need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby learnedhardway » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:08 pm

Well here we go again.
Wife is an alcoholic and I don't know if I can do this any longer. She cleaned up before we married. I was naïve and thought she was one of those who would stay sober. one year into marriage, it was Xanax which eventually started to be abused. Then there was the catching her doing cough medicine. then later cold medicine. We argued about the Xanax thing over the last year. She would never stop. Then 3 weeks ago, she relapsed with alcohol. since then it has become every other day. a couple times recently I came home to her sh*tfaced. Always lying about what she does. (standard practice). I've seen where this went before she got straight the first time. It wasn't pretty.

I know it is my call whether I stay with this woman who I thought I loved. and some may call me an a-hole for not being there thru thick and thin. It's a disease etc. Before we married, we had 2 conditions. 1. no cheating. 2. no abusing substances again. I've given her many chances to stop with the different chemical abuses. Now that it is alcohol, she has the alcoholic brain chemistry going. There are no reasonable discussions. Her Mom has convinced her to go to outpatient rehab starting Thursday for 2 weeks. Past experience she had to go to multiple rehabs and near death before she got clean.

She in the meantime says I am emotionally abusing her. why? I have told her I don't know if I can keep going thru this with her. She threatens to get a restraining order to kick me out of the house. Not sure what is possible here.

other pertinent info: we are (re)married 2.5 years. no kids in common. I moved into her house when we married. She is adamant that she will stay in the house and she can get me out. I know leaving the house is a bad idea.

I know no one can tell me if leaving her is the right thing to do. that is my call. and I know I will hear all sorts of opinions on this. I need to decide this. In the meantime, I want to be prepared as it is entirely possible she is going to file or take some action. I don't want to be caught completely off guard in that case. She claims she already has a lawyer - a girlfriend of hers - and so no cost to her.

well that's my rambling opening statement. Advice? thoughts? I know there are many wise folks on here who can help.
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby astrolink » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:27 pm

learnedhardway wrote: I know leaving the house is a bad idea.

Since it was her house before the marriage and you have no kids together, it may be a great choice to leave the house.

Do you have financial entanglements together, as in loans, bank accounts or credit cards? Get rid of these, then there is just the separation of assets. With a short term marriage, you both are entitled to a few things, such as increases in retirements while married, splitting cash, savings accounts, etc.

Your type of divorce is the rare type that sometimes can be done with minimal cost and only a few months time.
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:36 pm

Agreed. Get your financials completely segregated and once you do, disappear. Shine it on for the moment, but before you go to bed tonight, go buy a pocket mp3 recorder. Fail not.
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby blng_blng » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:19 am

While your wife is away (or passed out) you need to seize the opportunity and snoop around. Go through all her stuff, try to locate passwords/logins to email accounts etc. install software on her computer that tracks everything, including passwords etc. if she has threatened restraining orders you need to take such threats very seriously. In California if your name is on a law suite it is public record, you can go online to see if your name is attached to court action. You can also go to the court and get the info. Go to the family law court and just ask for your file, if your name pulls up something they will let you know. Since you don't have kids/ custody to worry about I would bail bruh. Restraining orders are reducilously easy to file and get.

I would take advantage of the fact that your wife is a lush though. You should be able to get her email passwords with ease, you do understand the advantage of being able to read the communications between her and her attorney right?
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby MegaDad » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:43 am

I am not sure going the Super Secret Squirrel route is best. Does your wife even have an attorney who she is emailing back and forth? Installing keystroke software? Getting her passwords from her in a drunken stupor? Maybe I am wrong but my guts says that isn't the way to go.

Although I will agree with the other gents here when I say get yourself a audio recorder, time yesterday. You do indeed need to take that threat of her seriously.
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby afc » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:47 am

This one isnt that hard.

Youve been married 2.5 years. The house is pretty much hers. Offer that she keep all the house in exchange for no support and a clean break.

Just leave.
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby learnedhardway » Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:53 pm

her communication to her attorney friend has been primarily phone and text so far. I did get on her phone last night and the attorney was saying she could get a TRO or do an OTR. she warned it would be a sh*tstorm.
I think she would get the house in the long run, I just don't want to be forced out and have to pay for an apartment and somehow be paying part of the house and those utilities. As far as financial entanglements go, we had already gotten separate bank accounts and put some amount in a joint account for common bills: mortgage, utilities, groceries. Paychecks go in separate accounts. She does use my credit card for joint purchases.
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby blng_blng » Wed Mar 15, 2017 1:11 pm

Get al the passwords you can. You can never use those conversations in court (privileged) but you are essentially listening in on the game plan of the other team. Should pay extreme dividends. Use that to manipulate her into action you could gen use in court. Have her attempt a bogus DVRO but have witnesses, video/audio set up.

I'd start buyiing her favorite type of liquor and leave it in the house. Set her up. You have to play dirty. At he end of the day though your not fighting over much, no children. It is very easy to get a DVRO and my advice would be to not give her the opportunity as she could get lucky with the judge
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Re: need advice on possible divorce

Unread postby Havalu7 » Sat Mar 18, 2017 11:22 am

OP control what you can and DGAF the rest (i.e. her drinking). Been there done that.

Its tough to see someone you used to love (not that you don't) but she is not the same person you married, unless she was already a lush.

Keep your mind and your peace because that's all that is inside of YOUR hula hoop.

Hang in there. Spend some more time here helping the newbies and boots and we will increase your highly paid volunteer salary as I see youve been here awhile.
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