New, have no idea how to start this....

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby gamingdad » Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:33 pm

I < edited > loved stratego. Now I gotta find the app to play again
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:36 pm

Electrical Guy,

You have been getting good advice here and you seem receptive to it, which is good.

But you seem too concerned with what she may think or say. If you are certain your marriage is over, which you seem to be, then you no longer care about what she says or thinks. Remember that just because she says something doesn't make it true.

Your Marriage Is No Longer A Romantic Or Life Partnership - It Is Now A Business Transaction

Even at the end of a bad marriage, it’s hard to take this position because you spent a long time together and were once deeply in love - probably closer to her than anyone else in your life. But you must if you want to survive this whole thing. You now have to see your former lover and best friend as you would a stranger you are involved in a real estate transaction with.

DO NOT place her financial well being above your own.

Important: You can do this in a respectful, reasonable, and honest way. All you have to do is say “{STBX name}, I understand this is stressful and new territory for us both, but I am going to proceed reasonably and honestly and I will absolutely meet all of my obligations and responsibilities as the law dictates.” Done. Nothing more. Radio silence.

You should get an attorney and file first. If this can be done via mediation, I would pursue that because it costs a fraction of what litigation costs which is a fraction of what a trial costs. But if you are going to divorce - the YOU FILE FIRST. It sucks and it's going to be a tough road, but can and will survive this.

Your marriage is dying; it's over. How would you rather die; by a thousand razor blade cuts and bleed out, or by one fatal shot? Make it clean and quick - it's far less expensive both emotionally and financially.

Good luck and stay strong.
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby Havalu7 » Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:41 am

"I < edited > loved stratego. Now I gotta find the app to play again"

Gaming hit me up on the PM if you find it and . .. That commercial was awesome too.

Okay back to biz. Well not yet. How about OP's STBX is trying to sink his (my) battleship.

Seriously OP you are taking the right steps and like Fly said it hurts but how long do you roll on the floor after someone kicks you in the sack? Until you can get up and fight or run. What are you going to do fight or run? Your posts indicate the former. Its just biz now. Take the emotion out of it as you will have plenty of time afterwards to mourn and reminisce (where I am now).

Or you can jump right back into the hot ragged frying pan and start dating the moment she makes good on her invitation to move her toucas out. Kidding don't do that or any other ragged ideas like that.

Well done on taking the strategy steps; now lets move the sights on the seats 50 rows over the goal post.

Did you get that recorder yet? Sorry if you already did and I didn't go back far enough to see if so (long day).
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby Electrical Guy » Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:10 pm

Yes, I have the recorder.

No, I have no interest in dating another loon at this time.

W agreed to move out. She told me she has two options to look into. I know for a fact that both are not doable. (relative or friend). She is wanting this to be a temporary separation to see how things go.

She hurt herself loading groceries, blew her back out, so she was in bed most of the day/night. I spent the night enjoying TV and pizza, feet up on the coffee table (she hates that) and tossing the dog the pizza crust (she hates that as well).

I"m having waves of sadness and depression, however. Mixed in with a little bit of anxiety. Maybe time to hit the gym again?
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:45 pm

Yes - hit the gym. Also...

    • It’s more important than ever to take care of your health. You need to stay strong, have energy, and focus. The mental stress of divorce can be overwhelming and seriously affect your physical health, so it’s up to you to prevent that. Exercise and eat right or you will pay the price for it. I know of a couple of people who absolutely feel their cancer was the direct result of divorce related stress.

    • Men are notoriously bad at seeking or asking for emotional support. Trust me; you need it now more than ever. Reach out to friends and family, people you know who have been through this, or support groups if that works for you. Talk about what’s going on and don’t keep it inside. You will find that people are happy to talk and help if they can.

    • Don’t isolate. Be around people as much as possible; talk on the phone to friends every day; stay active; devote more time to your profession. Isolation only feeds depression which will suck you down into an abyss you may not easily get out of.
[/list]
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby Trevor » Thu Jan 12, 2017 1:31 pm

Fatheroffour wrote:For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Hemingway was masterful.
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby lionel2013 » Thu Jan 12, 2017 3:36 pm

I"m having waves of sadness and depression, however. Mixed in with a little bit of anxiety. Maybe time to hit the gym again?


No, not maybe, definitely, it's probably the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, make sure -- do your best -- that this nightmare doesn't affect your job performance because many people (managers) have no or limited sympathy for that, even though everyone knows going through a divorce, in general, and in particular one you don't initiate or did not want is one of the worst things that can happen to someone in their entire life.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby Electrical Guy » Fri Jan 13, 2017 10:14 am

Thanks, guys. I went to the gym and tried as hard as I could. The weights seemed heavier. The treadmill seemed faster. I just backed down the weights and let the depression waves pass. Treated myself to a tan. Yeah, I know, bad for the skin, but I didn't care. Call me what you want, lol...

At least the women there seemed prettier than usual.

I suspect W is getting info from her sisters on how to split things. They may ready to help her financially since she really has no financial footing to rely on.

That being said, we did have a nice quiet dinner last night. She blew out her back the day before and today its 10x worse. As angry as I am, I've had severe back pain before so I know what she's going through. Even if we were separated and living apart, I'd probably try to help. Back pain is no joke.
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:31 am

Bro this is a great place to vent and ASK before making moves. Remember she may have a hurt back but this is boot to throat time. Not talking about not having compassion here but knowing that she is on one end of a business deal here. Take the emotion out of it and deal with it (the hurts and emotions you are feeling) separately and you will be better in the long run.

My Ex tried the "woe is me and I have to get Obamacare and pay rent and deposits and bills and, and, and, :roll: ". I caught myself feeling sorry for her and saying "Self, do you have to go through with this maybe we could get back together, maybe I am in the wrong and she needs my help. .." (STOP). Here is where I caught myself buying her bs manipulating me back into a suck toucas relationship that would have cost me more assets. Remember in some cases more time together means more of your hard earned money into her bank just because she still "wuvs" you.

Okay let me try to post the Stop It" clip that one of the vets posted. Play it when you feel like you are getting sucked in to the I will wuv you crap vortex.

Okay software at work not permitting it so look up the Bob Newhart "Stop it" you tube clip.

One last edit; And its not just about assets and money. I did not want to be miserable with her for the rest of my life. No not no but HELL no! Even this morning I get that nagging jackarse on my other shoulder saying "You guys had a good thing and she is major hot and the sex was awesome (when she effing threw her back to me) and and and and and and. I have to literally knock the "bad angel" off my shoulder and shake that "going back" thinking out of my lonely needy self and remember I DESERVE a decent caring mate and not some miserable < female dog > manipulating Beotch who makes my life hell even though I am giving her everything in the world and she still ain't happy. EF THAT bro.

Okay I will calm down now and get back to work I just don't want you to waste another year or anymore time in a bad relationship. Or maybe you should just give in and kiss and make up living in the love bird nest the rest of your life until that black widow spider web is all the way spun around you and she EATS you.

Done here.
Last edited by Havalu7 on Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:48 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: New, have no idea how to start this....

Unread postby Electrical Guy » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:47 am

I'll google it, thanks.
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