Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

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Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby ib5366 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:11 am

Just getting started, but I’m working on my game plan for filing for divorce later this summer (reason for time-frame to be discussed below). So a little background info…

- Married 21 years, live in TX
- Daughter 18. Will graduate HS in June 2017
- Living as “roommates” for last 12 years or so (her word)
- Have not had sexual relations for last 12+ years
- Regular fighting (verbal, not physical). She can be emotionally abusive.
- Home to be paid for by May 2017
- 3 vehicles (all paid for)
- RV motorhome (has note)
- Boat (paid for)
- Various credit card debt (about $12k maybe)
- We are both employed ($77k/yr. for me, $60k/yr. for her)
- Joint checking account with direct deposit from both our employers
- We both have individual Roth IRA’s since 1998. Equal contributions since inception.
- We both have life insurance policies ($750k for me, $500k for her)
- I have 401K from previous employer (about $75k)
- I have stocks from previous employer (about $4500)
- About $3k saved in cash
- All personal items in home are paid for (computer, tv, furniture, etc.)

With my previous employer I was gone 2 weeks at a time, then back home for a week, and during those two weeks I had a separate apartment and was not at home. This was during the last 5 years up until this past July 2016. We had thought this time away would maybe help our relationship, but that was just wishful thinking. She is strong-headed and likes to be in charge and have things her way. My time at home is like walking on eggshells trying not to rock her boat. She will sometimes refuse to let me do anything to help around the house because she doesn’t like the way I do it, or the way she thinks I’m going to do it (if that makes sense). She is the type of person that always wants to have someone to blame other than herself. She will take responsibility for things if she can’t find a way to put some blame on others.

A good example: She was hit from behind in a car accident. She was driving; other driver completely at fault. I wasn’t even in the vehicle, however, I was on the phone with her at the time. She told me later that she wished I had been driving so that she could blame me for the damages to our vehicle and it wouldn’t be her fault!

I come from a divorced family and my parents still don’t get along to this day (40+ years later)! I never wanted my daughter to go thru that kind of situation, so I sucked up my pride and settled for what I had of a “marriage” and just tucked my emotions and pain away. We’ve talked about divorce about 4 times previously. Every time I decided to give in to her and accept getting a divorce, she would then turn it around on me and blame me for abandoning our daughter. So I would give in. I firmly believe she hasn’t filed only because then it would be her idea and her to blame. I think she’s been waiting for me to file, so she can blame me and me alone. From a passive-aggressive standpoint, I’ve also avoided it just to <urine> her off! But at some point I’ll end up with all the blame no matter what. So it doesn’t really matter anymore.

My feelings are that she specifically looks for something to get mad at me about. She always brings up my so-called “lack of respect” for her and emotionally belittles me for hours by bringing up the same argument over and over. I’ve gotten to the point I just don’t say much anymore. She won’t let anybody argue their point with her. If it doesn’t agree with her view point, then it doesn’t matter and she won’t listen to or believe it. She can’t even agree to disagree. If she thinks you are wrong, then you are wrong and she won’t settle for anything less.

Every time we get into an argument like that, she says, “If you don’t want to be here, then leave!” Or, “If you’re not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem and you should just leave!”

I will admit that I’m not the easiest of people to live with. I have forgotten her birthday (once). I can be a little selfish. And I have been known to lie to her about things that I’ve wanted for myself. I’m not perfect. But I’m the type of guy that likes doing things for someone (not just gifts). But if that person doesn’t appreciate those acts of kindness, then there’s not much else to do.

The last time I told her I wanted a divorce, was about 3 months ago. We got into an argument about a really petty & stupid situation and she didn’t talk to me for 3 days. I finally told her I wanted out and asked what she wanted in the divorce. Initially, she told me she wanted nothing and stormed off. About 5 minutes later she came back and wanted to work things out.
I’m done. I want out. But I’m working on my plan first.

As for my daughter, she & I have a really good relationship. We go fishing and hunting together. We use these times together to talk about anything and everything. About a year and a half ago at our deer lease, I finally spoke with her about what she knew of the relationship between her Mom and me. She said she knew we were having problems and she’s heard all of our arguments no matter how hard we tried to hide them. She said she doesn’t understand why Mom treats me like that. I told my daughter that our marriage wasn’t going to last and that I wanted out. My daughter asked for only one thing: for me to wait until after she graduated from High School. This is actually something my wife has mentioned before. She said that she’s waiting until our daughter is out of school and she is leaving (said in the heat of the moment).

So per my daughter’s request, I’m waiting to file until after the graduation. My daughter says she wants to continue living with me while she starts college in the Fall.

I know that kind of rambled on. Sorry.

What I’m looking for in the divorce (listed in order of importance):

- 50/50 split of home, RV, & boat
- No Child Support
- No Spousal Support
- My Roth IRA (hers should be a close/equal match to mine)
- Family heirloom shotgun (from my grandfather)
- 3 guns given to me as gifts (from father-n-law)
- My air compressor, mechanic’s tools
- 2 heirloom fishing rods (from my grandfather)
- Specifically, one of our vehicles that is used as a hunting truck (old SUV), title in her name.
- Keep my 401k intact

Anything else, I truly don’t care about. I could walk away from everything else if it meant finalizing the divorce quickly.

With the home paid for, selling should be easy. The note on the RV is less than $6k. Equity from home sale could pay off RV note and credit card debt. Should be no other debt after that. We have a substantial amount of equity in the home (easily $120k+) which should more than stop any claims for Spousal Support in TX. TX requires support only if spouse is unable to substantially provide for themselves. She has a good job, Master’s Degree, and will get money from the split. Should more than cover it.

The IRA’s have had equal contributions since we opened them. The only difference may be in the way they were split for investment purposes. I will be finding all the information on these in the next few weeks.

My plan is to take my company stocks and cash those into a separate personal checking account in the next few weeks so I can have some funds to retain a lawyer and get this process started. I will be applying for a personal credit card with the bank when I open said checking account. As soon as I file, my direct deposits will also be transferred. I’m looking at DAR’s right now and will have one in my possession soon.

Questions:

- Should I really worry about staying in the house once I file? She doesn’t want the house. We’ve been talking about moving out of this neighborhood for the last 2 years. House payments won’t be an issue anymore. And the sale and subsequent split of equity I will fight for in the final decree. Plus, I just don’t want to be around her anymore. If I move, my daughter most likely will be coming with me. This would also help avoid false DV charges. Best case my wife will move out, but I’m not holding my breath. I also don’t want the house. I’m tired of living in the city. Would it better serve me to file for her to leave the home based on my daughter’s desire to live with me, and then just plan on selling the home as quick as I can?
- Based on what I’ve read on TX divorce law, Spousal Support won’t apply. No issues with children with mental/handicap problems requiring financial support, spouse makes enough money to support herself, and 50/50 split of assets will provide substantial funds at time of divorce. Anybody think otherwise?
- 50/50 split and sale of assets along with split of debt should be covered. Am I missing something maybe?
- We should be able to keep each of our Roth IRA’s intact, assuming values are similar, correct? Makes for an even split then.
- I’m going to need a lawyer. Anybody have recommendations for central TX area (San Antonio)?
- Once I file, I thought about getting a storage unit where I can start to store items I specifically want. Like the guns. I’d actually like to get some of these things out of the house before I file. Legal ramifications in doing so?

I’d like to think this should be an easy separation. I want to file for a No Fault Divorce (irreconcilable differences). Child Custody doesn’t apply and my daughter has 3 choices to choose from: Me, wife, or her own place.
I’m hoping for a best case scenario based on things she has said in the past and that she wants out also. But I’m also afraid she will become vindictive just because. I’m planning for a fight. But I also don’t want to live in the same dwelling with her during a fight either. Any other advice? I have The List printed out and working on it.

I just want out of this loveless marriage and to get back to what’s left of my life. Thanks for reading. I know sometimes just talking about issues we have can make a person feel less stressed. Venting is a good thing. But thanks for taking the time to let me get things off my chest.
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Re: Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby Havalu7 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 12:06 pm

OP congrats on the longest post I have ever seen.

Can you rephrase that in an elevator pitch please (under 100 floors preferably).
"The most important six inches on the battlefield is between your ears!"
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Re: Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby ib5366 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 12:14 pm

Sorry...
Just figured I'd lay everything out in one shot!
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Re: Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby BartSimpson » Mon Jan 09, 2017 12:17 pm

1. Yes, you should worry about staying in the house.
2. Rehabilitative spousal support may be in your interest for negotiations.
3. Yes, assets and debt are divided by two.
4. There are no legal ramifications for removing the heirlooms and firearms - in fact, we encourage you to do so immediately.
5. Yes, you will be getting a no-fault divorce with a settlement agreement and not a trial.

Your daughter is not a prize or spoil of war, you should encourage her to have meaningful contact with both parents. She probably shouldn't live with either of you.
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Re: Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby Havalu7 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 2:15 pm

Now that's a 5 floor elevator pitch response!

The doc's magic continues.
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Re: Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby ib5366 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:19 pm

BartSimpson wrote:2. Rehabilitative spousal support may be in your interest for negotiations.

Can you explain further, please? I'd prefer not to provide support for her and I'm thinking it wouldn't even be an issue on the table. But I want to make sure I understand your position better.

BartSimpson wrote:Your daughter is not a prize or spoil of war, you should encourage her to have meaningful contact with both parents. She probably shouldn't live with either of you.

Coming from a divorced family myself, I wholeheartedly agree with you. My sister hasn't spoken to our mother in over 20 years due to issues from my parents' divorce.
I would never want that to happen with my daughter and her Mom. But my daughter and I have a lot more in common than she does with her Mom.

My whole goal in this is to try and have as much of a civil divorce as possible.
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Re: Starting the process, getting my plan in place.

Unread postby firedude118 » Tue Jan 10, 2017 4:40 pm

Sell the guns and tools now to a family friend or buddy. Be sure and get a receipt. Buy them back from the friend after the divorce.

Kills two birds with one shot...so to speak. Pun intended.

Guns are kept in a safe place and she can't say your a threat with them gone. They will always fight or place a higher value on something you truly want to keep. Keep them and expect to pay double there actual value in the divorce.
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