MA - Strategy and feedback

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Sat Aug 20, 2016 1:19 pm

TB12 wrote:.....should I wait until 6 months.....
You need to establish status quo (usually 6 months minimum). To minimize alimony (amount and duration), you want her to become fully self-supporting - at least as much as possible.

TB12 wrote:.....is that too risky and I should file once I have all my affairs in order?
You file when you have distinct advantage. Ideally, you should catch her off guard. In this game, nothing pins her against the ropes like a well-orchestrated and well-executed surprise. Be sure to have a Plan-B for everything.

TB12 wrote:Any heartburn around the pre-paid legal benefit?
You want results, not a bargain.

In this game, you want nothing less than a bona-fide family law attorney, someone whose practice is closely associated with your courthouse. Before making your choice, you should interview several attorneys. You want a litigator, not a mediator.

TB12 wrote:.....by recording I do 95% of the morning/evening routine, I'm also inversely recording her lack of?
Your journal should reflect what you do ad Superdad. You don't want to badmouth your STBX.

TB12 wrote:Are you recording times along with dates?
In chronological order.

viewtopic.php?f=7&t=74757

TB12 wrote:Do you record information about STBX that might help tell the story?
Your journal helps you "remember" your story. Back up your journal with evidence like photos, receipts, etc. Your digital recorder helps you remember events that occurred during the day/week making journal contents accurate and believable.

Tom
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. - Maxine™
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby Bobby5000 » Tue Aug 23, 2016 8:09 am

"My game plan – Primary custody with her having time to visit, me keeping marital home, her moving out." You do not appear to have shown grounds for a court to do this. One suspects you hire a lawyer with a reputation of being tough and hard-nosed, he tells you this can happen, and you blow through 20 grand without success. Candidly, you have strong views, have you tried marital counseling, is she depressed, can issues be worked out through some mutual compromise. Nasty divorces with kids caught in the cross-fire aren't good. you wife is not likely to simply crack and do what you want, there will be lawyers that tell you what you want to hear while the money spigot is flowing, some divorces do not have to occur, and the goal is to develop some reasonable framework for post-divorce which allows the father reasonable involvement in his children's lives.
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:31 pm

Thanks for the feedback bobby. I won't disagree that I have strong viewpoints. Bottom line, we aren't a good match, she isn't that good a mother and has depression issues and currently is on medication. I just want to be around my children as much as possible, the discussion around custody is nothing less than 50/50 for me, or we go to court. That is the ONLY topic I will discuss until settled.

I work from home, can pay all the bills, have always been active in my children's life, provide for them. STBX had another blow up today and she actually talked about talking with a lawyer. At this point, should I continue to just wave and smile or just not say anything to build more status quo or is being the on the offensive in MA more advantageous as a father IE does my situation qualify for exclusive use of martial home?

I would be willing to concede 50/50 with me having exclusive use of marital home as maintaining as much normalcy and stability for the kids during the upcoming transaction is a priority.
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Sep 16, 2016 10:40 pm

Welcome TB12!

I'm confused you said "and keeping my recorder running at all times." Then stated your recorder is ordered and waiting pick up or something similar?

Whatever it is you need to get that recorder on and running like yesterday!
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Sat Sep 17, 2016 12:11 pm

TB12 wrote:I would be willing to concede 50/50 with me having exclusive use of marital home.....
Nine times out of ten, settling for EOW early in the game ends up becoming permanent at trial. Unless you buy her out, Exclusive Use of the marital residence is "temporary."

Granted, you want Exclusive Use. But, at the same time, the kids stay with the house. This is the arrangement that ensures you are Primary Parent and your residence remains the children's residence for school purposes.

Never surrender 50/50 willingly. You get exactly one chance to get this right. When (not if) push comes to shove, take her to the mat.

Tom
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. - Maxine™
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sun Sep 18, 2016 7:30 am

Recorder is on/recording 24x7!

Good point about 50/50. By wanting the residence, being able to financially swing it, that puts me above 50/50 threshold.
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Sep 23, 2016 7:58 pm

knowbuddycares wrote:
TB12 wrote:
6 months of their work schedule, what is the risk you are saying? If you have everything in order, you can file. But I doubt that waiting hurts either. Depends on what the motive for the 6 months schedule is.


Status quo vs her potentially filing. I would like for her to have more time with closer to full time hours before filing if possible.

She complains a lot that I don't talk to her blah blah blah. I pretty much ignore her texts and passive aggressive comments.

It is really funny now that I have started my DGAF campaign to help find inner peace (during the potential upcoming storm) how often in the past I would have gotten worked up with her idiotic, selfish, lazy and self centered comments. Unless it has to do with the kids, it is either silent one or one word answers.
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby Phoenix853 » Fri Sep 23, 2016 8:53 pm

ahhh, the power of radio silence.....peace and quiet


Keep up the good work
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 10:12 pm

Just thought I would post an update on where I am. I probably took radio silence too far and realize now that was an escalation. My game plan is still the same, primary, physical, marital home. I have changed my philosophy to be more supportive of her to a point. I do my best to ignore all her little snide remarks that used to illicit a response from me and also recognize and own my responsibility in establishing that behavior in the first place.

For those that were in conflict marriages/divorces that are now in a good place, any words of wisdom in terms of strategy you can impart. I would prefer to avoid the scortch the earth process to get to a good place, but realize hope isn't a strategy. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best :D

While we still communicate via text/phone call, I still limit my responses and avoid emotional responses. If she gets upset because I didn't respond promptly according to her, I just let her wear herself out and nod and smile. I also don't get angry and her parenting style because in honesty it is just different styles. It was foolish of me to hold certain beliefs that I could some how inspire her to be a better parent, not the absentee one she had and doesn't realize is duplicating. How she behaves is soon not going to be my problem anymore and I cannot protect my children from her illogical hot-tempered bull ish, I can only focus on my relationship with the kids. I have stopped getting upset with her over my beliefs on who she should be!! It sounds obvious, but clearly that was going on.

No sweets for me, cupcake free zone. I am actually excited about not having to waste time/energy/$$ on that for the foreseeable future (youngest is 2+ years away from Kindergarten) and no matter what the outcome is, maximize the time I have with my kids now and post divorce. I am using this time leading up to when I file to look internal and fix my problems and become the person I want to be and inspire my children to be.

Chasbo - would love to her some insight from you and your experience. I would love to avoid the left for dead part, but learn tips/tricks/mindset you applied to achieve your end goal as that is what appeals to me.
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Re: MA - Strategy and feedback

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Dec 21, 2016 9:36 pm

massdad1234 wrote:We have been at the Divorce station for quite some time, I am finally going to pull the trigger but want to run some thoughts by the group.

Multiple children - aged 8 through 2.

Married 8 years, STBX works part time 20-30 hours a week. I work from home and pay all marital bills. Wife contributes nothing, receives nothing in terms of financial amount (food/water/shelter yes). I work from home. She works 3-5 days a week, typically weekends and holidays (restaurant biz.) I am looking to be primary parent. I have recently found out that STBX is cheating. My original plan was to file in July time frame with 12+ months of status quo of primary parent, supportive of their relationship with their mother and have my schedule completely mapped to the children's needs.

What kind of proof would be needed to prove adultery? Is the only purpose to account for that in funds that should be credited as part of spousal support as the income gap will be a factor. Her earning around $20K, roughly $90K over her rolling average at date of file. Any suggestion in case law to check up on from MA alums?

Game plan- Primary custody, in marital home, school address parent, Physical custody, 60/40 ish, 2 children will be in compulsory school, the other seems to enjoy going to public baby siting for hire. What is typical for that scenario? Only one child needing to stay at home or be handled by a 3rd party (not that it matters, but have family local she doesn't). My work schedule allows me the ability to be with my children all day if needed.

Any suggestions on leveraging infidelity to obtain custody goals? Any reason not to lower spousal support? My thoughts were to offer a somewhat honey deal up front if agreed upon (status quo 12+months) and a buy out lump sum, if no, radio silence and bunker down for court.

Not worried about money, going to have the recorder, batteries, well documented journal and lawyer briefed when I intend to file, but I will be honest, happy to have a relationship with their mother be positive as it has started to become, but see no reason to not try and win this business transaction while still being professional and clear about it. If we go to court, I will except the outcome, however the quicker we can move to a positive position as parents, the better for me, just now counting down the days.


Any thoughts? Recently found out STBX is cheating (yes!) and was looking for advice on updated strategy with file timelines or suggestions?
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