Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Fri Dec 30, 2016 11:52 am

Yea, it's bittersweet. I've learned a lot from my now ex-wife. How people change over the course of a relationship. Not sure if I could trust again, so she did have a large effect on how I view marriage and relationships now. I feel for others who have to go through this ordeal. Mine was bad, but mostly petty on her part. I am sure there are many that are so much worse.. The system us upside down and it needs to be addressed. Hopefully, someday it will be.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby lionel2013 » Fri Dec 30, 2016 12:07 pm

JustAboutOver wrote:Yea, it's bittersweet. I've learned a lot from my now ex-wife. How people change over the course of a relationship. Not sure if I could trust again, so she did have a large effect on how I view marriage and relationships now. I feel for others who have to go through this ordeal. Mine was bad, but mostly petty on her part. I am sure there are many that are so much worse.. The system us upside down and it needs to be addressed. Hopefully, someday it will be.


Same here, although I don't have high hopes much will change any time soon, it seems like nothing changes much in this country unless there is an acute crisis of some kind. The whole devastation as a result of divorces is not an acute crisis, it's just a chronic one, so as long as people go through this pain and devastation and come out without committing suicide, nothing will happen.

An exception might be of the kind of what happened in MA, I think, when they came up with a bill that would have made second spouses pay part of the alimony for ex spouses. That resulted in a whole bunch of marriages getting called off, got people up in arms and the bill, I think, did not pass. But that's an exception to the rule, unfortunately.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Fri Dec 30, 2016 12:14 pm

Change in what way?

Its pretty common for people to want XXXXXX issue to change back to the way it used to be. However, whatever idealized vision they have of how the issue used to be usually isnt very accurate. The changes came for a reason. It wasnt working at the time. "Going back" isnt the solution.

Case in point:

http://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/ho ... 815531.php
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby FlyGuySLO » Sat Dec 31, 2016 11:23 pm

JustAboutOver wrote:All assets were made prior to marriage. I essentially left those assets alone and just earned an income never touching a penny.


Then it's cut and dried as far as these assets. The ONLY place you're exposed is her needing access to funds for legal fees, which I wouldn't worry about right now.

JustAboutOver wrote:I complained about the legal fees as I know people who are millionaires and they both just signed the damn paper for $400.00. Having to pay more than 100 times that amount is just insane.


Yes. Legal fees are insane and I know couples who divorced via "We The People" for $800 and are still friends. Then there are those that spent 5 years and a million dollars in legal fees getting divorced. I also know people who smoked and drank every day and lived to 90, and people who were vegan, marathon running Yoga freaks who got cancer at 45. Every situation is different and you just accept yours and move through it as fast as possible.

JustAboutOver wrote:Yea, I know, you are right. I just don't want to nail her to the wall and file so many motions it will make her head spin. Just about everyone has told me to do this. I was just trying to avoid going down that route. It was an option at the beginning, and the atty stated to her atty that is what I will do, and that got things moving again. I know, stupidly, I thought we could settle this amicably.


Look, you seem like an exceptionally smart and successful guy. But I think you and I share the flaw that we let our emotions (read: anger & frustration) cloud our judgement and we like to control things and use (our) logic to dictate the process. But it seems like your stbx has her own ideas of how things should be and one thing we've all learned here is that we can't control how other people act.

I will leave you with this, which I have posted in other threads. This is what I would tell anyone, including my kids, about conflict resolution:

In life, you should do everything you can to avoid a fight, whether physical, personal, professional, or legal… absolutely everything you can. Conflict is expensive on many levels and you never know the true cost until it’s over. However…

If you are in a situation where you have done all you can to avoid the fight and it’s clear that you have no choice, then remember this: Hit first, hit hard, and do not stop until your opponent has clearly been defeated, surrendered, and given up. Because if you don’t, it’s likely that you will be the loser and end up injured physically, professionally, financially, or emotionally.


And guess what? You’ve already tried to avoid the fight - now you’re in it.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby MIdadof4 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:49 am

Iflyguy....

Some VERY cogent advice I've tried to implant in my own children!
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:30 am

FlyGuySLO wrote:Look, you seem like an exceptionally smart and successful guy. But I think you and I share the flaw that we let our emotions (read: anger & frustration) cloud our judgement and we like to control things and use (our) logic to dictate the process. But it seems like your stbx has her own ideas of how things should be and one thing we've all learned here is that we can't control how other people act.

I will leave you with this, which I have posted in other threads. This is what I would tell anyone, including my kids, about conflict resolution:

In life, you should do everything you can to avoid a fight, whether physical, personal, professional, or legal… absolutely everything you can. Conflict is expensive on many levels and you never know the true cost until it’s over. However…

If you are in a situation where you have done all you can to avoid the fight and it’s clear that you have no choice, then remember this: Hit first, hit hard, and do not stop until your opponent has clearly been defeated, surrendered, and given up. Because if you don’t, it’s likely that you will be the loser and end up injured physically, professionally, financially, or emotionally.


And guess what? You’ve already tried to avoid the fight - now you’re in it.


Agreed. Thank you for this pep talk, still hurts though. I guess I am trying to figure out why I wasn't able to fix us. It will haunt me for ever. Never gave up on anything in my life. This is the first time I had to walk away and throw in the white flag.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:37 am

So, a quick update. She finally signed the divorce papers and it's being sent to the Judge tomorrow. There are a few outstanding issues that I unfortunately seem to have to take care of.

1) Inform my wife that I will be filing married, filing separate.
2) Found legal documents she left here, since they are from the government to her (pre-marriage), I believe I have to return them to her. Lawyer suggests I do it. He can, however, that will incur more $$$. He recommends I open communication with her directly. As some may recall, she cut off all communication last May when we started divorce proceedings.
3) She left jewelry and a laptop here.

I wanted to put all of this in a box and send it to her. However, I am concerned if I send it to her prior to the Judge signing off on the decree, she can possibly stop the divorce from happening. Not sure why, might bring memories back for her or something.

Should I wait until I get the decree signed? My attorney says it shouldn't take more than 2 months. So, by April 14 it will be signed (hopefully). Not sure why it takes so long in New York, but I was told uncontested divorces are on the bottom of the list.

How do I handle this?
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby MegaDad » Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:31 am

1. You can inform her of this if you want. It's not like she can/would do anything about it. If you were still legally married on Jan. 1, 2017 I believe you MUST file as such. Plus, generally speaking, filing married gets you some additional tax breaks.

2. Couldn't tell you the best move here, I will let someone with more experience in such matters answer that for you.

3. Box those items up, tape it, seal it, put a date on it. If she ever wants them back they will be all ready for her to pick up at an agreed upon time and date.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby BartSimpson » Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:40 am

1 - Don't file yet. What's your rush? It will be signed before the filing date.
2 and 3 - Put it in all in a box, and store it in the bottom of your closet for awhile.

Paper copies of documents are meaningless in this modern era of digital communication. Old laptops are worthless and this one is likely obsolete. The Jewelry is probably costume type with no value or she would have taken it.

So that leaves your taxes - are they that important to file so quickly?
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Mon Feb 13, 2017 11:59 am

The legal docs she left are a passport, certified birth certificate and first divorce settlement and decree from her previous husband. I do not have to return this stuff to her? As you can probably guess, she's not very well organized. Every year she'd owe thousands in taxes. I would have to front the money and wait for her to pay me back (she'd refuse to have a joint checking account). She sold a lot of her stocks because she had to move and redecorate. Her tax bill this year is going to be well over 5k. I do not want that responsibility. She screwed me with legal fees and medical premiums for the last year. I do not want to be on the hook for this as well. I will pay the higher taxes. I just want this over. Though, I believe I have to notify her, as she's on my tax return. She never responded to my e-mail attempt last Spring, and all communications had been going through attorneys since I filed. I tried to make it amicable, but that never happened. She's the type of person who likes to do things the hard way. Very very stubborn and passive aggressive.
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