Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

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Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Tue Mar 15, 2016 10:05 pm

Hey all, I've been married just over 2.5 years. The last two have been pretty hard. We had two deaths in the family (my side), medical problems and hospitalization (me), and just a relationship that I thought was strong fizzle out under pressure. Intimacy stopped about a year ago. She will not talk to me about us, as she says it's too intense. She tried three IC therapists and one MC. The MC I went with, but it didn't work out. This latest IC therapist basically hates me, but has never met me. She's told her to move out, and leave me. Told her that I am controlling and manipulative. Apparently, my DNA is also bad as well. How she says this to my wife w/o even knowing me is a bit suspect. I've asked to see another therapist, wife says no. I've asked to go to church to see a pastor, she says no. I asked her to talk to me, she says she doesn't know what to say. I asked her to read some couple's books with me, she said no. Her therapist told her that we should separate. I said fine, but I wanted a legal separation. She declined. I even gave her the DIY papers, but she tore them up. I really do not know what to do. I really do not want a divorce, however, this is not a marriage. Heck, we're even sleeping in separate bedrooms.

There is an issue with a divorce. See, I have assets in the 2 - 5 million range. Before getting married, I transferred all assets to an irrevocable trust, since she wouldn't sign a pre-nup. I met with my estate attorney and her partner, a matrimonial attorney. He's very well regarded, however he's very expensive (wants 12k for representation) as he's a bit old, 89. Nothing against old people, but I am concerned that what if something happens to him? He's be practicing law since 1945. He did tell me, chances are, since it's a short marriage, she will get nothing, or next to it. Since all assets were transferred before marriage, and nothing was commingled.

Any advice what to do here? Part of me wants out, part of me wants to fix the relationship. However, all of me is very concerned about my assets. I am not in the best health, so doing this all over again isn't really possible. Also, I have no idea on how to find a good matrimonial attorney. Nor do I know what a fair rate in New York is.

Can anyone lend some advice on what to do?
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby Jesus Christ » Tue Mar 15, 2016 10:16 pm

Any kids between you two? If not, just rip the bandaid off and get it over with. She won't get anything with such a short marriage, likely the only reason she married you in the first place.
People get the justice they can afford.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Tue Mar 15, 2016 10:37 pm

No kids. I think that is one of the reasons, she blames me for the fact she has no kids. Fact was, after we got married, I was mostly in hospitals and dr offices dealing with my chronic pain (work injury). It was a bit hard for me to do anything, let alone have a kid at that time. I told her I understood if she wanted to leave, but she didn't want to, I offer red to freeze her gigs, she declined. I've been offering IVF for the last two years, she's afraid. Then, she tells me a few weeks ago, she'll resent me and will never for give me if she cannot have kids. I believe I offered all options under the sun, but she declined. Not sure what lose to do. It's hard for me to pull the trigger on filing for divorce. I feel bad about the situation, and I feel back that she believes I delayed or stalled having kids. It's complete bull.

The other issue is the lawyer. 12k is a lot. No? She doesn't know my net worth, so I do not think she married me because of money. She's not s gold digger. She pays for her own expenses. I offered a joint account, she declined. I do pay for the house, utilities, cable, food, etc. We go 50/50 in the restaurants, unless I cook at home.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby Coffee fiend » Tue Mar 15, 2016 11:18 pm

It is possible that her therapist formed opinions based on what your wife tells them. If you feel they hate you, maybe your wife is not painting the best picture of you. You have to decide what you want going forward and if you see things progressing differently in your relationship in the near future.
If she needs to move out, let her. Do NOT get involved with anyone else because you think you may be separated. Wait until your current marriage situation is resolved.

Try to interview more than one attorney to gather different ideas.

I know some folks who thought adding a child would help the relationship but ultimately it is a short term distraction, not a resolution to relationship issues. If you can't get along without kids, adding them won't fix it.
Last edited by Coffee fiend on Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby Chasbo » Tue Mar 15, 2016 11:51 pm

Luckily there is more then one woman in the entire world. Scrap this one and move on.

Don't Penny pinch with the attorney with 5 mill in the bank.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby Jesus Christ » Wed Mar 16, 2016 3:34 am

I'll be honest with you OP, but if you got 2 to 5 in the bank we can watch Brokeback Mountain every night after your bubble bath. Now I ain't no homo or nothing but I know a lot about prison sex and we can double our wardrobe.

What size waist you got?
People get the justice they can afford.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby kirkpatrick » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:26 am

Chasbo wrote:Luckily there is more then one woman in the entire world. Scrap this one and move on.

Don't Penny pinch with the attorney with 5 mill in the bank.



Yup!! Time to bail.. No kids, No Marriage in my opinion... She won't get < feces >.. She is what you call a gold digger!!

Jr..,
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby Wasntthere » Wed Mar 16, 2016 8:37 am

OP - good on you for seeing the light, and trying about everything. Some of us have it in our DNA to try to please our women to the infinity degree, to no avail. It's not your fault now, you tried. In all caps: DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER. Ever.
It sounds like your marriage is toast.

Good for you for getting into see a few counselors too. It helps a lot to get your feelings out, and help where needed. No one is perfect, and neither are therapists. Don't take it personal what she / her therapist says / or even your therapist says. I say, if the shoe fits wear it, but, only you own your life.

Now, it's time for business. Lawyers will always say you have a good case if they smell money. I got suspicious when I noticed almost all of the intake forms at lawyer's offices more or less begin and end with listing all your financial assets and liabilities. Funny, the prices offered match about "all you can afford" for legal fees. That said, you need to find a good atty. Sooner or later your wifey will find out what you have in the bank. If you make serious efforts at finding a good lawyer or two, you might find one that's reasonably priced - in NYC I'd guess everything costs double. But, don't just bargain hunt. A good assertive lawyer who costs a lot up front might head-off a lot of more expensive trouble coming down the pike. There are some money saving tips in The List.

Best of luck.
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
A father's love is like the NOAA weather radio - always the same message, always broadcasting, and available everywhere your kids might go. See to it brothers.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:52 am

There is an issue with a divorce. See, I have assets in the 2 - 5 million range.


OP, please don't take offense, but with thank kind of dough you really don't need our advice here. Or perhaps you could use it (the more opinions the better, maybe?) but you certainly can afford counsel - and certainly a good one who will charge you less than $12k (and younger than 89).
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Marriage fell apart, it seems divorce is the only answer

Unread postby JustAboutOver » Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:14 am

Coffee fiend wrote:It is possible that her therapist formed opinions based on what your wife tells them. If you feel they hate you, maybe your wife is not painting the best picture of you. You have to decide what you want going forward and if you see things progressing differently in your relationship in the near future.
If she needs to move out, let her. Do NOT involved with anyone else because you think you may be separated until your current marriage situation is resolved.

Try to interview more than one attorney to gather different ideas.

I know some folks who thought adding a child would help the relationship but ultimately it is a short term distraction, not a resolution to relationship issues. If you can't get along without kids, adding them won't fix it.


I certainly agree on this. However, I do feel that a knowledgeable therapist would know that when dealing with a client in a marriage, there is some element of what they're saying is swayed in there favor. They're not being totally objective in their thinking and reasoning. The therapists idea for her to get rid of me on her terms, will still not fix her thinking and rationalization as a person. In addition, I offered both legal separation and divorce, she refused both.

In an ideal world, I'd like to fix this relationship. To be honest, we've been through so much, in both of our families, it would really be a shame and waste for a divorce. However, it all goes back to communication. I have no issues of communicating with her. Anyone can ask, she will say the same. However, she cannot communicate her needs and feelings towards me. That is the issue. When I ask for examples of what makes her upset, she says I do not know. I asked her what do you need / want? I do not know.

With those answers, what am I supposed to do?

I've off the block for dating for a while. As for marriage, never again. It's just not worth the hell.
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