Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

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Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby FiveClovers » Thu May 31, 2012 10:15 pm

My stbx and I both both decided that divorce was in the best interest for us and our family. We were constantly fighting each other, silent treaments and our attitudes with one another was spilling over into our relationships with our children.

We both decided that yes we needed to move on. Since our initial discussion, we've actually gotten along alot better. We've had the occasional fight, but we want what is best for the kids and we cool it quickly.
We both came from divorced families. Hers was very violent and caused alot of emotional stress and mine was simply my father leaving and showing up a couple of times.

We don't want that to happen to us this time.

I'm having an issue right now though. Actually a discussion that we had today that has me concerned, even though I understand the rational behind it.

When we initially discussed custody, we considered her having the primary physical custody as I'm currently working full time and going to school full time. We've actually discussed living close to one another, to make the transition for the kids to be as painless as possible. We then discussed 50/50 physical custody for a bit. Today she brought up her having full physical custody, but continuing our plan for week on week off. Initially this caught me off guard, but I called a close friend and asked him about it. The state of Missouri has two types of custody. Physical and Legal (I believe). Physical is where they primarily live and usually leaves the other parent with weekends and one night a week. Legal has to do with decision making processes, like what school and so on.

The advice I got from this divorced father of one, was the same advice he got from his first lawyer. Your going to lose. He didnt believe him and ended up paying 2400/month in child support/maintenance. He was saying that the best interests for the kids, especially in our relationship where we may have issues with one another, but want each of us to be a part of their lives, would be to allow her full physical and 50/50 legal and then we can make our own arrangements (week on week off) once the process is done. She has stated to me and her family as well ( We still have a pretty good relationship. We still go over and hang out with them sometimes) that my stbx wants me to have as much time with the kids, as she needs a break and the week on week off would give her that.

Financially and honestly, I'm a joke. I make 30k a year, work extra hours to make ends meet and donate plasma. She has a degree in mechanical engineering and is currently looking for employment. From a financial standpoint, it would make sense for her to have primary physical custody as receiving child support (what little can be taken from me) would allow her to get financial assistance from the government which would help with the our kids.

I need to hear advice about all this. Alot of you guys have these horrible stories and I get that, but I havent been able to find someone who had a positive experience with working through a divorce. I know divorce can be messy, but...yeah.

Anyone with advice is appreciated!

/edited
Last edited by FiveClovers on Thu May 31, 2012 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby nighthawk » Thu May 31, 2012 10:42 pm

Just my opinion. Not speaking from the board, you started out with your post very bad. Seems like your getting everything you want in this divorce and custody issue. Do you expect us to tell you, you're not?
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby FiveClovers » Thu May 31, 2012 10:50 pm

Ok... I see what your saying. That may turn away people from responding. My apologizes.

What I'm asking, is this too good to be true? Should I be worried? This is all new ground to me. I've never been in this type of situation. From what I've read, it has been war. Is that the norm? Is the situation I'm in a set up?

Thank you for your post though. I may edit that if I can.
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby BartSimpson » Thu May 31, 2012 10:56 pm

You have spent years fighting with this woman - big old fights over anything and everything - and suddenly you think this woman is going to quit fighting and fairly negotiate?

That she is capable of turning off whatever motivates her fighting is very interesting.

Sounds like she is moving the goal posts - a good indication that she is setting you up for a Round Two, when she announces she is going to move a distance away.

You want 50/50, and live within the same school district - time to quit something, school or work, and get back to being a Dad.
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby nighthawk » Thu May 31, 2012 11:06 pm

Yea, what Bart said! It's all in where your heads at. I don't think you understand, you have come to a site where dads want to be dads. These guys wanna to be as much a part of their kids life as they can. Their not willing to compromise, second best! They want the most time they can get. They want to be fathers. And their willing to fight for it.
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby FiveClovers » Thu May 31, 2012 11:22 pm

I am a father. I make my kids dinner, I play with them, practice wrestling with them and put them to bed every night. With three stories told to them before its done. All that sandwiched between a full time job and full time school.

I understand that I have come to a board with a lot of hurt people. And a lot of Dads who want to be Dads. That's why I'm here too. Make no mistake.

I'm looking for advice. And I thank you for your side of the equation.
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby nighthawk » Thu May 31, 2012 11:29 pm

But, what is your question, what is it you're not getting, you want?
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby FiveClovers » Thu May 31, 2012 11:37 pm

Let me clarify what I asked before... should I be concerned about being blindsided?

We've had a roller coaster history and nothing would lead me to believe that she would, but after coming to a forum for dads who are going through/have been divorced, and reading some frankly horrible accounts, it has me worried. I was hoping to glean some insight.
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby nighthawk » Thu May 31, 2012 11:57 pm

You know, people get perfectly, perfect divorces everyday, not many, but some are perfectly happy with their divorce. People are different. Who knows what you want out of this, but it seems you are happy with what you're getting, under the circumstances. I don't think you can expect anyone to tell you, what you should be willing to fight for, when you don't seem to know yourself. And as talented as this site is, I don't think they can tell you, what you can or can not accept
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Re: Father of 3, plans for divorce, I need advice

Postby BartSimpson » Fri Jun 01, 2012 12:18 am

Telling us we are hurt, or angry, or bitter is classic shaming language - stop doing it, you are being rude. We are motivated to help other Dads - guys like you who are making horrible mistakes in their custody matters.

Working and going to school full time was a perk of your marriage. If you continue to do so, then you will be visiting your kids every other weekend, and perhaps dinner one night a week. You will also pay the highest rate of child support, so you will live in a very small rental unit - making it even more difficult to see your kids. Then she moves away.

Should you worry about being blindsided? Too late, you already have been blindsided.
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