Hello to you all, I have been reading posts here for a few days over the last two weeks. I intend to file soon and I have read "The List" and starting to execute many of the ideas and suggestions from it. My STBX and I have been married for over 12 years and have S10 and D8. I am stationed in CA and, for the time being, I am going to "play nice" and build up my case. She watches the money closely so I have to carefully stash little bits here and there so that I can retain a lawyer. I have a bit of time to do this since I, like I said, am building things up now. I am going to do my best to not get baited into fighting with her, spending all available time with my kids AND documenting it. I have a great relationship with my kids and I am going to do everything that I can to keep it that way.
I want to tell all of you that I am thankful for you being here and posting your stories here. I am less afraid to take action with what I have read and learned.
Welcome -- Read, read and listen to these guys. I would have stepped into soooo much crap if I would have acted on emotions a year ago and moved out of my house.
I will still make mistakes, but in following the advice and EXPERIENCE here, I have avoided MANY decisions of ignorance.
One of the biggest changes in my perspective (and preached on in this forum) is to not fall on your sword. We are guys...we leave the cave, knock something over the head, drag it back and take care of our families under any circumstances. Still wanting to do that when dealing with an STBX and / or NJ can be fatal. I still find myself trying to take ownership and "fix" things that are STBX's alone.
FOF - I thought the hazing involved one of your avatars?
Fo4 and Scout, Thanks for your comments. Last evening was just a bit easier, for me, emotionally. STBX wanted to "discuss some issues" and I sort of played along a little bit. Once she started getting upset, raising her voice, going off on tangents, I simply and calmly said to her, "Our children can hear and understand all that you are saying. I am going to go be with them now instead of doing this with you." It was so relieving to me!! Of course she was livid, but I felt great. I know that I did the right thing for my kids and the bonus is that it was the right thing for me too!! I don't have to engage with her!
So here comes a question then... "radio silence"? I want to take some time to prepare, collect, and document and in the mean time, not let on that I am through with this marriage. I can maintain "radio silence" as in not engaging with her in her rants. I am telling no one that I am doing this, less you good gentlemen here. The question is, what else is intended when you all say "maintain radio silence"?
I made a spreadsheet to record all of my time and what I am doing. I am using it to record, especially, all time and activities with the kids, but also all that I am doing when I am not with the kids. I want to be able to show, if needed, that I am working, parenting, doing school (online college courses), "homemaking" all of my waking hours. STBX is a server, part-time, with dual master's degrees and has lots of time to be on the internet and talking with girlfriends and such. I am preparing for what could come. I fully understand another poster's comments when he said, "don't think that your wife couldn't and wouldn't do 'that' to you". I know that STBX is not the woman that I married.
I will jump in for a sec, my ex would want to discuss things with me, so I would sit there and within minutes it would turn into her telling me everything that is wrong with me. I would do what you are doing, not engage her in that, which only made it worse, but I would just say when you can be calm and discuss the things we need to discuss we can continue when you get calmed down.
Radio Silence means just that, dont let her know anything about your plans, many are in cheating situations and what do they do? Confront the spouse or even other person, dont do this if that is the case, dont talk about the divorce and what you want, with kids you have to maintain some sort of communication but dont talk about anything else, dont get sucked into you ranting at her.
Thank you, Bubba. I will let on to her nothing about my intentions until I am ready and I have a lawyer in my pocket ready to go. It is difficult because I really have been done with this marriage for years, but I didn't realize it in my own head and in my own heart until three days ago. When I see that all we do is fight, especially around the kids, that is too much for me and more so, for them. I do just fine, and so do the kids on those many nights when STBX is working. I do homework with my kids, read with them, cook with them, make their lunches for the next day, we do the dishes, feed the dogs, all of it. When she is around, we continually fight and it doesn't matter if the kids are right there or not.
This marriage has turned into a business already so I will just continue that charade and the idea that we are "working on things" (although failing miserably for years...)
If you are sitting down for discussions where she isn't getting her way and the results are she's livid and you're happy I really hope you have a recorder on your body recording every word. If not you are running a pretty big risk of getting thrown out on a false DV charge and playing catchup for the rest of the divorce.
CA is a two-party state so that kind of recording is illegal, but I'd still rather risk that and have evidence against a false DV claim.
The question is, what else is intended when you all say "maintain radio silence"?
You do not argue with her. You do not tip your hand as to what you want or what your plans are. Tell her you are filing for divorce today and you might see her at the courthouse, in a shorter line, filing a protective order on you. It happens. Discuss kids and kids issues only.
Always remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. It will be spun and twisted to make you look bad and her look good.
Keep verbal communication to a minimum and shift all you can to documentable methods such as text messages and emails. When she calls you, dont answer. When she wants to ask if you can watch the kids while she goes out for the night it is much better to have a text message or email to document your time with the kids as well as her satisfactioin with your performance as a parent. Trying to recount those details a year or longer down the road at a court hearing is an impossible task so shift all you can to email, text and voicemail.
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”― Mark Twain
I just picked up a voice recorder. It will be the back-up to a better one that I will acquire somehow. I need one now though, so I grabbed it. I am going to try it here at work so that I can figure out how to use it more covertly. (of course I will delete the files immediately.)
Thanks for the help/push. I am taking control of my relationship with my kids and my life!!
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