If I could do it over...

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby LUVMYKIDS3 » Thu Apr 30, 2015 8:39 am

WhoWeAre wrote:Suppose your relationship was ending now, instead of then. Suppose you could do one thing over. You cannot save your relationship, but you sure wish you had...

Mine is... I sure wish I had realized she was not the same woman anymore; that we were locked into an adversarial system and that I would need to fight because the only thing that matters anymore is the judges decree.



The reality is you are nothing like you were 10 years ago and 10 years from now won't be anything like you are today.
So make a choice, do you want a long term relationship or do you enjoy multi tasking ? Both are fine. I do get bored filling out the same form very time to get laid by a hottie. However, the hunt can also be fun. Point is going forward, the relationship is like a third party: a baby that needs to be cherished like a child. It is not about what you want in a relationship or what the lady wants in a relationship since you are both a moving target. What's important is the commitment to go through time together and hold the relationship sacred. To do that one needs to find someone who has same values:
moral, religious perhaps too. That's about all one can count on given the ravages of time.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby t300 » Thu Aug 20, 2015 2:16 pm

WhoWeAre wrote:Suppose your relationship was ending now, instead of then. Suppose you could do one thing over. You cannot save your relationship, but you sure wish you had...



.....not used a divorce lawyer. But that's hindsight, and I didn't know anything about the system then. If I knew then what I know now I would have represented myself through the family court assistant services, turned much of my assets into cash, stored it in a safe, and hunkered down.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Dad_in_Ohio » Mon Aug 24, 2015 9:29 am

I am new here, been lurking about a month and will post my story in a new thread, however I was compelled to share my "if I could do it over"

1) I would have left guilt at the door. I received guilt trips from everywhere, her family and friends, my family and friends, etc etc. I would have not let that interfere with the decisions I had to make.

2) If you are getting a dissolution, hire an attorney to review the dissolution that favors Dad's. Spend the extra $500 and get your disso evaluated to make sure its iron tight and bullet proof and gives you as a dad enough power

3) Don't sign ANYTHING until its EXACTLY what you want. These are YOUR kids as much as hers and you have EVERY right to them 50/50. Fight for them!

4) This forum is an amazing amount of information. I wish I had it when I was going through my divorce.
- S9, S5 - Won relocation case. 50/50 with Joint Legal and Residential Custody
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby steelmark » Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:32 am

Dad_in_Ohio wrote:This forum is an amazing amount of information. I wish I had it when I was going through my divorce.


Despite finding this resource too late, thank you for helping out the guys who got here in time. Veterans make this place tick.
Prepare and execute to win by a thousand miles, just to be in position to win by an inch.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby SunnyDaze » Thu Oct 15, 2015 3:13 pm

1. I would have listened to my (female) attorneys when they told me to stop paying her anything at all until a written agreement or court order was in place. The law will not reward you later for being a nice guy now.

2. I would have gone on the offensive from the very second she filed. We both said we wanted to do it amicably but when someone is faced with negotiating a deal that will impact their finances for many years, and how much payout they want, all bets are off and reason goes out the window. I am now being as aggressive as possible. PUT YOUR OWN INTERESTS FIRST - HERS NO LONGER MATTER. The law is set up to protect her.

3. I would never, ever, for one second admitted or conceded to any personal fault. If she chooses to call you an addict or alcoholic because you have some beers or drinks after dinner - she will win and you will lose, at least in the short run. The first accusation in wins - until the court can spend a year investigating.

4. I would have embraced the fact that when it comes to custody, there is no "truth"; there is only "he said - she said", and applied it to every decision I made about how to move forward.

5. I would spend as much as possible on legal fees in the early days and hit hard and moved fast. The alternative is a death by a thousand cuts.

6. I would leave all guilt, shame, and self doubt at the door. After many years of being criticized, judged, and constantly second guessed, I would have told myself the depression I was in was largely because of the state of the marriage and it wasn't all my fault. I own 50% of the reason it didn't work out, but I won't own 51%.

7. I would have listened to the advice here sooner. At first I felt everyone was angry, jaded, bitter, and projecting their experience onto others. I learned that you need to do what's best for yourself first, and sometimes that means doing what's not good for someone else (see #1).

Good luck to all that are starting on the path. You are not alone...
Last edited by SunnyDaze on Mon Nov 02, 2015 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby silvo99 » Fri Oct 16, 2015 1:23 pm

Well said. Hit hard and hit fast once and for all. I've been divorced 3 years, it took about 1.5 years to get some normality to my life and blood pressure back down. All the nice gestures and concessions made a judgment time mean absolutely nothing as I face a mediation regarding alimony modification. The system looks to vilify men no matter what you do. You must protect yourself at all costs. Do not pity the stbx. It is their trap.

I would have taken my chances in court the first time; that's what I'm facing now...

I have taken the red pill and it is real.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby breaker_morant » Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:18 pm

I'm still in the early stages of this, having filed in September, with a trial date Sept 2016.....

But some things I would have done differently:

1) Get a lawyer right away. We separated early in the marriage, with an agreement that was (largely) written in her favor. I didn't have a lawyer, and signed it, thinking that was the best I could do.

2) Leave no unresolved questions. Even though we reconciled 6 months later, that separation agreement was never updated, rescinded or resolved. Now...that may work in my favor at trial, but assume any ambiguity will not go in your favor.

3) When you hear the word divorce (even as a passing thought), file immediately. You need to be on offense, not defense.

4) Don't expect things to get better on their own. You have to be the one to take action to push things to resolution.

5) If there is any illegal or violent behavior, document and file charges. If someone is willing to hit you or steal from you, they're willing to do a lot more.

Some things that I'm glad I did (and am continuing to do).

1) Document everything. I've been good at keeping (secure and detailed) records of e-mail, conversations, documents, etc. Even if the written agreements never make it to trial, we're going to use them as leverage to work towards a favorable (to me) settlement.

2) Don't leave (echoed by a lot of forum members). Despite what she was doing, I never bailed on the kids. While I was able to file and get a TRO (and a PO) when she was out of the house, there were a number of opportunities to have done that much earlier. I'm in the house, with both kids, and she's not.

3) Manage your case, and your attorney. Your lawyer knows how to navigate and negotiate....but they don't know what you want. You need to be clear on what you want, what you're willing to negotiate, and what you're not willing to budge on. If they have less expensive associates or paralegals, push anything that's not court or negotiation related down as far as possible. Better to spend $200/hour than $400 an hour. Also - they're your lawyer...not your therapist. Manage time effectively, bundle questions together, and do your research up front. You can throw out hypotheticals here......but deal in specifics with your attorney.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:44 pm

Good write-up, Bro.

BTW - This forum was built, brick by bloody brick, upon lessons learned.

breaker_morant wrote:We separated early in the marriage, with an agreement that was (largely) written in her favor. I didn't have a lawyer, and signed it, thinking that was the best I could do.
FYI - Until stipulation/settlement is signed by the judge, any agreement you make with NJ isn't legally binding.

Tom
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. - Maxine™
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:58 pm

The difficulty of getting out of a signed agreement has been often discussed. I even got a contempt from an agreement the ex signed but didnt think she had to honor since the judge hadnt signed it.
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Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Trevor » Mon Dec 21, 2015 3:05 pm

breaker_morant wrote:3) When you hear the word divorce (even as a passing thought), file immediately.

Premature ejaculation in this context can be fatal to your case. This is not fire-ready-aim.
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