If I could do it over...

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby DoctorZ » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:14 pm

I would never find a job since I lost it after she filed. She would not have any alimony then.
Why the US Family Law System Sucks: https://youtu.be/M3YA6u4ttN0
User avatar
DoctorZ
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 855
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 12:10 pm
Location: Future

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby mdub90650 » Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:18 pm

This is a great topic for my first post.

If I could do it over again, I probably would have just dated her for a while and stayed single. But my dumb < hindquarters > wanted to play Captain Save-a-Ho. Women are just too damn complex. I'm simple. Meat, cheese, bread, cereal, Directv and a green lawn. That's what makes me happy. That's why when young men wanna get married around 22, I'm quick to tell them wait. Kiss a few frogs and don't settle down so early. You're a few years removed from high school.
mdub90650
First Post
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:06 pm

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Optimist630 » Fri Mar 31, 2017 9:13 pm

1. I would have spent much less time trying to figurd out what exactly was going on. Is she overwhelmed with life? Midlife crisis? Who cares. If she is remotely capable of being willing to throw it all away, why want to remain with her?

2. I would have done better at shutting the (blank) up. i did file but still had this dumb notion that a miracle could be coming. So too often, emotions got in the way and I risked things unnecessarily by making her mad. Luckily it never burnt me. Keeping hope alive had me getting hurt more times.

3. I would not have abused friendships and family support systems. I have an incredible group of people who never gave up on me, and they easily could have. I don't think I can ever repay them. They wouldnt be lesser people had they gotten totally sick of me along the way.

4. I would have listened even sooner to the folks here. At first the brutal honesty seemed a bit dramatic, but I now get it. Listen to those who have gone through it.

5. I would have been more decisive. I worried about how she would react to certain wording in documents, etc at first. What a wuss. Again I escaped from it, but the woman you are up against likelg isn't the passive coward mine was.

6. I'd have done better at focusing on me rather than what she was doing or thinking. I was my own worst enemy at times.

I don't have a ton more to add as far as strategy legally or anything. And of course only talking about the process itself. Mostly what I would do before that is not sell myself short with who I hook myself up to long-term.

To those currently in the midst of this hell, read every page of this thread. I may have gotten more from this than anything else. It is a gold mine. I can only hope mistakes by myself and others can mean you don't make them.
Optimist630
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 145
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2016 4:27 am

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby george80 » Sat Apr 01, 2017 12:03 am

PNWdad wrote:As convinced as I was when I decided to divorce that I absolutely had done all I could -- having sworn that I would NEVER divorce and do to my kids what my parents did to me -- I still look back and go back and forth between "yes, you sure did" and "No, you really didn't." And of course I think about all the "things she did" that were harmful to our marriage -- and there were many -- but think even more deeply about my role in making them happen, which admittedly is not real productive, I'm sure. We guys, we always think we can fix things, and even after all this time (seven years), I look back and think that there was just something more I could have done. I'm most regretful for my kids, and (stupidly) envy so much the people I know who have endured and survived and come out better for it, with an intact family -- sure, with some scars on the hull, but intact. There's a definite feel of failure even after all this time, as much as I know that she had a big hand in it all. But I failed to rise above it and get us through it all, as I know others have sometimes done.



THIS!
george80
50+ Posts
 
Posts: 86
Joined: Wed Mar 29, 2017 9:23 am

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby george80 » Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:50 am

To expand on that a bit. I feel the same way now knowing that I opened the door for it, pulled out the chair and seated it, poured it my finest offering and fed it a 24oz porterhouse without realizing it. For 15 years I have been the shepherd (not getting bibley here) and now I have allowed one of my herd to go astray right under my nose. No pun intended. People all respond to failure differently. I'm the type to get caught up and wallow for a minute, but I come out better on the other side usually. Think of it as a car spinning its tires. I know right now I'm just wasting a bunch of energy and going nowhere but in a second I'm going to catch traction and launch in to a 3 second 1/4 mile.
george80
50+ Posts
 
Posts: 86
Joined: Wed Mar 29, 2017 9:23 am

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Rssooner » Sat Apr 01, 2017 5:02 pm

george80 wrote:
PNWdad wrote:As convinced as I was when I decided to divorce that I absolutely had done all I could -- having sworn that I would NEVER divorce and do to my kids what my parents did to me -- I still look back and go back and forth between "yes, you sure did" and "No, you really didn't." And of course I think about all the "things she did" that were harmful to our marriage -- and there were many -- but think even more deeply about my role in making them happen, which admittedly is not real productive, I'm sure. We guys, we always think we can fix things, and even after all this time (seven years), I look back and think that there was just something more I could have done. I'm most regretful for my kids, and (stupidly) envy so much the people I know who have endured and survived and come out better for it, with an intact family -- sure, with some scars on the hull, but intact. There's a definite feel of failure even after all this time, as much as I know that she had a big hand in it all. But I failed to rise above it and get us through it all, as I know others have sometimes done.



THIS!


I agree...this sums it up for me too. Looking back I wish I was not so emotional. SInce 70% of divorce is initiated by the wife it is no surprise that it came as a shock to me. I wish I didn't make the mistakes I did b/c I was so devistated and such an emotional wreck. I tried so hard to try and hold on and have a bit of hope. Currently it feels like I have failed and it's a bit embarrasing when i run across mutual families and friends. I am now jealous of the families that are still intact.

If you are in the early phases of this hell...keep your head and don't make any mistakes that you will pay for later.

RS
Rssooner
50+ Posts
 
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2016 8:18 pm

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby george80 » Sat Apr 01, 2017 8:30 pm

AndrewsDad wrote:
shawncall wrote:If i pushed her down the stairs when we met, Id be out of prison by now....just saying


lol...this one got an audible laugh from me


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmabvEcmKoA
george80
50+ Posts
 
Posts: 86
Joined: Wed Mar 29, 2017 9:23 am

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Optimist630 » Sat Apr 01, 2017 8:56 pm

I find it's the circular nature of such thoughts that makes it harder to process, and keeps them going. Part of me says "What could I have done to prevent or stop it? Then it's "Ok but save what exactly? She did about 30 things I would never do to another person?"

The productive middle ground is "what did I do that could've been done better, so I never do that again?" For me it starts with not overlooking red flags and my own gut. Every case is different of course, but I don't think the other person who was in my marriage is doing any reflecting or looking in the mirror. That's why we aren't married, when it's all said and done. It shouldn't be that hard, there shouldn't be a couple things you do differently to make it work.

I have grown leaps and bounds since this all started. The marriage continuing would have never fostered such growth.
Optimist630
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 145
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2016 4:27 am

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby wsherman » Sun Apr 23, 2017 3:35 pm

If I could do it over again I'd have found support groups like this one [edited by mod] earlier. It is so important to have a support network and as a guy I'm not that good at findings that support. My family did not really support me emotionally thought they tried and it's hard to find ideas and strategize with men who have not been through the process. I read Father's Rights and Divorce Wars and every other book I could get my hands on. The more information you can find the better. I wish I would have known all this before and I think things would have worked out better than they did. They worked out ok but things could be better.
wsherman
First Post
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Apr 23, 2017 2:54 pm

Re: If I could do it over...

Unread postby Fluffyshotme » Sun Jul 09, 2017 3:03 pm

If I could do it over again...

I would have manned up sooner and not given into my ex-wife's constantly changing demands. I should have stuck with the order, but I allowed her constant threats of taking me back to court as well as her instability play a factor in my actions. Instead, I let her negotiate and gave into her controlling threats. I gave up weekends that were supposed to mine and she would withhold holidays that I was supposed to have my son.

It was not until I went overseas and got shot at that I came to realize that I needed to man up if I was ever going to get to be in my son's life. I came home from my last deployment with one objective - extricate my son from the fluid environment that he was surviving in and provide him with a stable upbringing.

I transformed from acting like Neville Chamberlain to being more like Winston Churchill. Once I took action and no longer allowed my ex-wife to control my emotions, I was able to focus on teaching my son to be a man.

My greatest failure in life was not intervening sooner, but I have to own that and drive on.
Fluffyshotme
New
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2017 5:40 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests