A clear understanding that I couldn't buy her off.
I.E., I could throw the world at her (I did), ask her for counseling & to work on it (she went but didn't), but that all I did was remove her incentives to be reasonable. She had my attention -- she was destroying my family so hell yes she had my attention; she had my money -- I gave up most of my paycheck to avoid disruption to my family; and she had zero incentive to do anything because of it.
End of day, I'd lock & load, put up a great defense, hire the best, tell her to pi$$ off, then if she wants counseling, do it from a position of equality. Trying to restore a relationship from a position of relative weakness leads to automatic loss of everything near & dear to you....you have to give up too much just to level the playing field, to come out happy means giving all of it up.
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