Lessons Learned - Before and During

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby Ramble_On » Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:51 pm

Sydkate wrote:how do I ask a question in this forum. I need advice on how to get my wife into mediation and I cannot afford to pay our attorney any more. She is refusing to agree and so am I just want a judge to be fair. Can I force her to go to mediation

Start a thread here in the Before and During Forum (button at the top that says "New Topic"). List your state and your questions (bonus points if you can get your state in the title) and fellas will be along to help you.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby pulphead » Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:57 am

Start a new post in the Before and During Forum.
State your state, how many kids and ages (D6, S11) and how many years married, etc. and a few other details.
Have you read The List?
This is an amazing forum, guys with a lot of practical experience, and the focus will be on the best interest of the kids and not letting your STBX scare you out of your kids' lives.
You should read some posts ahead of time to get a sense of this forum.
You've come to the right place.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby Bobby5000 » Sat Nov 22, 2014 4:00 pm

1. Moving out Staying put can theoretically be best because as it reinforces your relationship with your children. There is no legal requirement that the husband leave. That said, if two people don't get along, having constant conflict can hurt the family. To stay the husband sometimes must be willing to endure even severe provocation since even one punch will result in a restraining order.

2. Cost benefit-it's a marathon. Lawyers don't scare other lawyers in divorce, they create business for each other. Too often, a husband or wife thinks some tough motions or letters will scare the other party but they don't. Be prepared for a long fight and use limited funds wisely, with a cost/benefit analysis where work is needed.

3. Two battles In divorce, there is the battle between the husband wife and their counsel and between the litigants and their lawyers, with the husband and wife trying to keep their assets and the lawyers time will dissipate them.

4. She stills loves him. Many battles are fought in a fruitless attempt to save the marriage or because someone can't let go. Recognize the dynamics in yourself or your wife.

5. Limit calls to the lawyers. It's not uncommon for clients to call lawyers repeatedly on things large and small and then complain about bills. Lawyers keep track of and bill for every call. Don't talk to your lawyer about small things, pleasantries, or anything not directly connected with the legal aspects of your case. Group and organize your material so the calls are limited and cost-effective.

6. Family and friend's dynamics. Be careful about other people pushing your buttons. Jack from the Kiwanis is a nice guy but I don't think he can stand up to a piranha like your wife hired. Jane, as women we are always accommodating and putting other people first, I am afraid that you are not getting enough here. Hyped up by friends and family, each litigant fights and depletes limited funds. When Jane applies to colleges with a 3.8 average, her dad suggests she attend the local community college. What happened to the college fund you had talked about when I was little she asks, was that used us for the trial. No honey, there was no trial, just letters, motions, replies, responses, and nasty documents going back and forth which depleted all of that money.

7. Read critical conversations. Your job is not to straighten out your wife but to figure out the most effective way to handle the case and get her to a mutually acceptable position. Not the words you want to say but what will be effective.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby tgydad » Mon Jan 12, 2015 12:20 pm

What I've learned - and I've barely even gotten started with the process. I was served a week or so ago.

What I can contribute so far:

1) Expect your wife to tell fabricated lies
2) Expect your wife to be nice to your face, but say extremely horrible things when you're not around
3) Do not trust what she says, EVER
4) Do not trust that she knows every single detail of the type of custody she may be asking for
5) Do not discuss custody with her
6) Expect your wife to not see or talk about any positive things that you've ever done for her
7) Expect your wife's "support" system to NOT play devil's advocate - they will destroy you
8) Expect that your wife is lying when she says "I'm not trying to take you to the cleaners"
9) DO NOT have sex with her
10) DO NOT sleep in the same bed with her
11) Buy a tape recorder, and have it running 24/7
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby Hawkeye66 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 1:26 pm

I have learned that the worst and most long lasting part is financial and that in every other way I am better off. I have my kids 40% of the time, which kinda sucks, but I am a better parent in that time.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby gamingdad » Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:27 pm

1. Don't react or respond while emotional.
2. Radio Silence
3. Know what you want, work towards that
4. Listen to the advice of those here, use that in conjunction with what you want, and direct your lawyer appropriately.
5. Let go of the marriage
6. Read. A lot. Here. There. Everywhere.
7. Become familiar with the pitfalls, the weaknesses, the sticky points, the blind spots.
8. Document everything
9. Give no quarter.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby [drew] » Tue Apr 12, 2016 8:07 am

I've been separated for almost a month. I was the stay-at-home Dad and left. Things got pretty tense in the house. She refused to go to counseling and we'd find ourselves in the same arguments over and over every few months. Despite me being the at home parent, she pays for everything and both kids are hers - we have a biological son and her daughter form another marriage. Both are in the school system.

The lesson I learned so far is that I shouldn't have left before consulting an attorney. I should have stuck it out, sleeping in the basement if need be. Even if I didn't stay through it, I should have communicated better what I hoped to achieve and what my hopes where before leaving.

I have had the good fortune of being told to document everything - emails, texts, visits, and anything she's asked I do at the house. I use an app that saves info to the cloud and am able to post screen grabs of texts, cut and past emails - though I arranged for all her emails to be delivered into a specific folder from the onset. It's helped me psychologically too where I can see that I have asked for one thing or another more than she's saying I did.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Tue Apr 12, 2016 8:14 am

^Unless you're in a Carolina, move back home.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby a dad » Tue Apr 12, 2016 11:36 am

You're no longer a stay at home parent when you don't stay at home.

Move back in.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Unread postby afc » Tue Apr 12, 2016 11:37 am

And in general, once a divorce is in the air...SAHP is pretty much not an option for either party so job hunting is in order. SAHP is a luxury of marriage
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