Fair and Equitable???

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:38 pm

The sooner you accept the laws and your financial fate, the easier it will be for you to transition. I also had a SAHM EX. When we were married, I had no problem with her staying at home and raising our kids. In fact, I preferred it. I recognize my EX did a lot of work when they were in diapers, breast feeding, potty training, etc. and I was at my day job. Yes, I pulled in 95% of the household money, but we both worked - just different types of jobs. I accepted it then and hence can't cry spilled milk about it now.

My Ex got half of everything (house, IRA, pension, etc.). But I let the hard feeling over the $$$ go almost immediately. Why carry that burden on your shoulders? Go read The Millionaire Next Door. You'll be surprised how many of the worlds millionaires got there by being frugal. Point being, if you want to find the positives, you can find a way!

Broken - Paying more towards principal is really a wash. If you didn't, that money would be sitting in a savings account and she'd still get her half so I don't follow your logic?
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby dad2grls » Mon Feb 12, 2018 3:07 pm

Broken Machine wrote:Yeah, fair and equitable is a farce. now because I did the right thing both by my family and financially, I am going to get screwed over that much more just because STBX parked her lazy < hindquarters > at my house for ten years.

And then there is her "fair share" to my military retirement. I don't recall her taking the Oath and giving the country the blank check.


You are not being realistic. There's a lot broken with the divorce court system in this country, but the courts are pretty good at dividing up the marital assets.

Any assets obtained during the marriage is fair game to both partners- you agreed to be committed to her for the rest of your life, you signed the marriage certificate on the dotted line, you entered a financially binding agreement and to say after it all falls apart that "it's not fair" is just well, wrong.

If sour wife stayed home the entire marriage twiddling her thumbs while you slaved to provide for the security of this great country, that's an issue between you and her, it has nothing to do with her having a right to half the military retirement funds and half of everything else you earned during the marriage.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Mellman10 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 5:44 pm

Thanks Dadof2..... I'm already emotionally detached from her. I'm trying like hell to do as you say and just accept it and move on. We are still in the house until it sells, so I think being able to enter my own domain without seeing or hearing her voice will help alot. Thanks for your words.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Mellman10 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 5:48 pm

Thanks Broken. I hope all works out "well" for you and you get your PEACE sooner rather than later.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby _ProudPoppa_ » Mon Feb 12, 2018 5:58 pm

Mellman-- I'm just starting to get into the thick of the divorce stuff, but my STBX moved out pretty early on the the grand scheme of things. I can tell you that it is a great relief to finally have the place to yourself. You won't even believe how light you'll feel when you can come home to your own place. Every day one pound was added to my shoulders. When she finally left, it seemed like a ton had been finally lifted off me. You just just don't realize how slowly they weigh you down, and ultimately the relief you'll finally feel.

Yeah, the financial stuff is a bummer. But, can you put a price tag on getting happiness? Think of someone who has a terrible disease, and how much they would pay just to be well. That's kind of what this is like, IMO.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Broken Machine » Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:16 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:Broken - Paying more towards principal is really a wash. If you didn't, that money would be sitting in a savings account and she'd still get her half so I don't follow your logic?


Fair point.



dad2grls wrote:You are not being realistic. There's a lot broken with the divorce court system in this country, but the courts are pretty good at dividing up the marital assets.

Any assets obtained during the marriage is fair game to both partners- you agreed to be committed to her for the rest of your life, you signed the marriage certificate on the dotted line, you entered a financially binding agreement and to say after it all falls apart that "it's not fair" is just well, wrong.

If sour wife stayed home the entire marriage twiddling her thumbs while you slaved to provide for the security of this great country, that's an issue between you and her, it has nothing to do with her having a right to half the military retirement funds and half of everything else you earned during the marriage.


It is clear you never served. This is not a slam by the way. But any fool can divide by 2. If that is what you define as "good", ok. But my military retirement is not based on any income put into it like a traditional retirement account. It is based solely on my service of 20 years or more. It was a contract between me and the government. She did nothing to contribute to it.

One can argue that she took care of things while I served. And that would be true if she did in fact do that job. She let the kids run around rough shod through the house. Never kept up with it, and slept all day and stayed up all night. I can show pictures that will make you sick. It makes me sick that I went through it (blaming myself here). Basically if I ran a business and I was her boss, I would have fired her.

Yes, I realized that I committed to her and I very strongly kept up my end of that bargain. I don't believe divorce is the answer. But she was the one that wanted out...right as I hit the 20 year mark in the military, take of that what you will. Because as you said, she has a "right" to it. You know another thing she is getting off of MY service? An implant birth control that we never used during marriage but now that she is out, she has it. Take of that what you will as well. If marriage is to be viewed as a contract, then she is in breach of it and should not be entitled to anything of mine. But as far as the courts dividing by 2, it's just a formula and I get it because so many people are jumping ship and it burdens the system. I get it, I do. Now if I was a scumbag and cheated or abused my wife, then this would be a different discussion.

From the tone in my post it does seem like I'm venting and still extremely pissed. I still am but not nearly as much. I have accepted it though I still say it is wrong. I never said "fair" in anything because life is not fair. But what is wrong is still wrong. But I wanted to convey to OP what I went through, to show that I understand what he is going through even if it is not exactly the same. And I did say/agree with others that peace of mind is worth it. Even if you have to pay a hefty price tag for it.

P.S. - I should also divulge that my STBX is holding my retirement hostage in exchange for letting her take the kids out of state and out of my life. Well I'm sitting on 50/50 parenting time now so I'm sure you know what I said to that "offer" from her. My kids are worth infinitely more than a hefty price tag as well as the peace of mind.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby mgtowthatish » Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:01 am

Broken Machine wrote:It is clear you never served. This is not a slam by the way. But any fool can divide by 2. If that is what you define as "good", ok. But my military retirement is not based on any income put into it like a traditional retirement account. It is based solely on my service of 20 years or more. It was a contract between me and the government. She did nothing to contribute to it.


Agree with you wholeheartedly. I served, but did not retire so I'm happy to not be dividing half of anything with my EX. This is why any person even considering marriage should sit in divorce court for a week, as well as not get married until a prenup is signed, notarized, and video taped. However, I've heard that prenups aren't worth the paper they're written on.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Tue Feb 13, 2018 11:59 am

She did nothing to contribute to it.


Your rationale for why you should get the lions share of the finances is the same argument women use to get the lions share of custody.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby dad2grls » Tue Feb 13, 2018 12:21 pm

Broken Machine wrote:It is clear you never served. This is not a slam by the way. But any fool can divide by 2. If that is what you define as "good", ok. But my military retirement is not based on any income put into it like a traditional retirement account. It is based solely on my service of 20 years or more. It was a contract between me and the government. She did nothing to contribute to it.


You entered into a contract with her by signing a marriage license. Anything you earned during the marriage is half hers, legally, morally, and realistically. Doesn't matter if you earned the money by serving your country or collecting garbage.

Broken Machine wrote:One can argue that she took care of things while I served. And that would be true if she did in fact do that job. She let the kids run around rough shod through the house. Never kept up with it, and slept all day and stayed up all night.


You married the wrong person. Your decision, and you allowed it to perpetuate. Own it.

Broken Machine wrote:Basically if I ran a business and I was her boss, I would have fired her.


It's called "divorce"

Broken Machine wrote: I don't believe divorce is the answer.


Right, you believe blaming the bad laws and the courts for your problems is the answer.

Broken Machine wrote:Now if I was a scumbag and cheated or abused my wife, then this would be a different discussion.


Courts don't penalize cheaters for the most part. Courts generally aren't concerned with the reasons for the marriage, just that one or both parties want out and they do the best they can to split things up fairly if the parties are unable to do it on their own. They don't have the time or the resources to get involved to the extent that would be necessary to find fault- which is why most states are now "no fault". It's simply not practical to do it any other way.

Fatheroffour wrote:
She did nothing to contribute to it.


Your rationale for why you should get the lions share of the finances is the same argument women use to get the lions share of custody.


Yup, he's a "victim". It's everybody elses fault he married the wrong person and let things get totally out of hand simply because he "doesn't believe in divorce" and now he blames the courts and the law for his mistakes.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Broken Machine » Tue Feb 13, 2018 12:35 pm

Fatheroffour wrote:Your rationale for why you should get the lions share of the finances is the same argument women use to get the lions share of custody.


No it is not. For one, kids need both parents in their life. One parent does not outweigh the other. They may have different roles but one is not more important than the other. And I practice what I preach because I want myself and the STBX in my kids lives equally.

Another reason as I said before, my enlistment was between me and the government. No money was contributed to this military retirement plan (though that is changed with the new plan the military just rolled out). There were no marital funds contributed to this. Hence why I said that she contributed nothing to it.

mgtowthatish - Thank you for understanding. And thank you for your service. It's just not worth getting married while in the military.

Look, I understand if a couple decides to part ways and then split things equally. That is fine and I'm not talking about those type of divorces. But when one just up and decides to leave for no real reason, then they should just leave. And let's be real, divorce still strongly favors the opposite sex usually. I just can't stand cowards that don't want to work on anything and just cut and run...i.e. my STBX.

And again, I am describing my path in my still ongoing divorce. Hearing others here going through the same (and worse) things was a degree of comfort that has helped me. I'm just adding my own story/journey to the pile for the new members to hopefully help them at least in some small way.
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