Amiable Divorce

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Amiable Divorce

Unread postby miguy » Wed Dec 06, 2017 9:45 pm

My wife and I have recently agreed that though we are friends we aren't meant to see retirement together. We've decided to keep things friendly and walk through the process in an agreeable manner. We don't have assets to speak of and both of us are on equal terms financially. This all sounds good on paper, but my concern is maintaining the relationship after the divorce.

Is it possible to maintain a good relationship with an ex and are there steps that should be taken to maintain the relationship during the divorce?
miguy
First Post
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 9:38 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby dad2grls » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:18 pm

Keep lawyers out of it until you've worked out a settlement that is agreeable to both of you.

Find yourself a skilled mediator to facilitate the process.

Once the attorneys get their hooks in forget about staying friends.
dad2grls
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 109
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:27 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby Chaos » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:26 pm

+1. But if she gets an attorney, you have to have one too. Good luck.
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
User avatar
Chaos
2.5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 2584
Joined: Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:21 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby Campfire » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:26 pm

miguy wrote:My wife and I have recently agreed that though we are friends we aren't meant to see retirement together. We've decided to keep things friendly and walk through the process in an agreeable manner. We don't have assets to speak of and both of us are on equal terms financially. This all sounds good on paper, but my concern is maintaining the relationship after the divorce.

Is it possible to maintain a good relationship with an ex and are there steps that should be taken to maintain the relationship during the divorce?



This isn't rocket science. The secret to maintaining what you have is for neither of you to take advantage/screw the other one over. It sounds like you two may have good communication skills. Have you sat down at the dinner table and hashed out how to financially separate yourselves fairly?

You don't need a mediator of you can figure this out at the dinner table. If you can't figure it out there, you need an attorney.

Ultimately, you will need an attorney anyways to draw up the final paperwork. In that case, make sure you are the one retaining the attorney as a divorce attorney is only going to represent one party.
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
Campfire
2.5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 3038
Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:12 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby gamingdad » Wed Dec 06, 2017 11:53 pm

Any kids involved?
READ YOUR PAPERWORK BEFORE SIGNING! IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, ASK!
gamingdad
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1102
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Dec 07, 2017 8:22 am

if there are kids, I can understand wanting to keep things on the level for the kids. If no kids...
massdad1234
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1337
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby dad2grls » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:10 pm

Chaos wrote:+1. But if she gets an attorney, you have to have one too. Good luck.


Not necessarily. She can go consult with one attorney or 10, until and unless you're served with papers you don't have to do anything. When and if you ARE served with papers, you can then bring them to your initial consultation with prospective attorneys. I suggest don't step into the ring until you absolutely have to- at least in this situation where things seem to be going fairly well. I would not give this advice if there was a possibility or probability of things escalating rapidly, including but not limited to false DV charges which often start a divorce action. You don't want to be blindsided.

Campfire wrote:Ultimately, you will need an attorney anyways to draw up the final paperwork. In that case, make sure you are the one retaining the attorney as a divorce attorney is only going to represent one party.


If the attorney is only being used to legalize a separation agreement between the two parties he or she does NOT represent only one of them- their position is one of neutrality.

^^^^
Edited to add- as another member pointed out my statement is incorrect- each party really needs their own attorney to review the terms of the mediated settlement. Although if you can get your soon to be ex to agree to use your attorney to review everything, that's a win.
Last edited by dad2grls on Thu Dec 14, 2017 4:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
dad2grls
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 109
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:27 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby astrolink » Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:33 pm

Campfire wrote:
miguy wrote:
Ultimately, you will need an attorney anyways to draw up the final paperwork. In that case, make sure you are the one retaining the attorney as a divorce attorney is only going to represent one party.



I can't exemplify the importance of you hiring the attorney. My ex hired what I thought was our attorney and brought what we wanted in the decree to him, which was fair and best for everyone.

After talking to him, he asked me to leave for a moment and my ex would be done in a minute.

She emerged an hour later and 5 years, several years of income and damaged kids later, we ended settling for about what we proposed in the first place. I'll never forget her words as she first exited the attorney's office: "I can't agree to what we originally proposed because I just leaned I am entitled to so much more."
“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
astrolink
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 761
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:54 am

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby dad2grls » Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:24 pm

astrolink wrote:I can't exemplify the importance of you hiring the attorney. My ex hired what I thought was our attorney and brought what we wanted in the decree to him, which was fair and best for everyone.


Your ex hired the attorney- you said it yourself- the attorney wasn't neutral.

Sure if you can work it so you have control over which attorney is chosen, then so much the better, but if she doesn't agree to your choice- and why should she- a neutral attorney- sometimes chosen by the mediator- is the best way to go.
dad2grls
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 109
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:27 pm

Re: Amiable Divorce

Unread postby astrolink » Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:30 am

I was naive to the process at the time. I had no idea 1 attorney could not or would not basically take dictation of exactly what we wanted written, which was 50/50 shared custody. She hired the attorney to do just that, paid by our joint account so we paid equally. I could have just as well called and made the appointment and it would have been my attorney. The intent of my ex and I at the time was simply for the attorney to write the decree, based on our wishes. Neither of us had seen an attorney prior. Problem was, once my ex saw a golden ticket that she wasn't aware of, she couldn't resist.

If the OP was to hire the attorney to simply write the decree like I did and tell him what his goals were beforehand with a amicable divorce, this kind of thing could be avoided.

Like I said earlier, it took 5 years and multiple court cases to arrive at the same result, with about 2 years of full time income to pay an attorney later to represent me in an ongoing battle. All that from a 1 hour appointment that couldn't be undone once it happened.

Note this happened 20 years ago. There weren't forums like this to get educated from.
“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
astrolink
500+ Posts
 
Posts: 761
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:54 am

Next

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests