New Here Need Advice

Tips on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation tips for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby StressinOut » Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:13 am

1. StressinOut - First, I almost got sent away near the end of my 20-year career, but avoided it. You have got to think the last thing some officer in Korea wants is you trying to do your job over there and worrying about what's back at home. My point being - have you asked to down shift your career and not take this 1-year assignment? Are you willing and able to PCS to a state where you can better prepare for the divorce process while maybe not getting promoted to chief? What's your strategy here????

2. All that talk from your future ex about going after your pension and getting the kids is nothing more than way to ... stress you out. Her comments are NOT based in understanding the facts. For instance:

-- Every year you are married and in the military entitles her to 1/2 of the retirement credit you earn. Based on a 20-year career, you earn 2.5% of your base pay each year, so the general formula is 2.5% x 20 years --> 50% of your ACTIVE DUTY base pay amount per month. Each year you are married, you split the difference with her...so she gets 1.25%. IF she stays with you for the remaining 5 years, then she gets 50% of your 50%.
-- If she stayed married with you past the 20 year mark, then she would ALSO gain access to the military TRICARE health care program once divorced.
-- BOTTOM LINE here - understand the retirement benefit accrual facts above so you can leverage them appropriately. Based on your enlistment contract - if you punched out before 20 years -- you could, although not advisable - screw her (and yourself) out of any pension benefits. I believe you have that in YOUR control.

3. Let's say you have no choice but to do the 1-year unaccompanied tour. For those that don't know military speak, the common answer is that they are called "orders" and not "requests." It's a 50% chance that StressinOut will get that response. Anyway, here are some considerations:

-- Get to know the recent updated law called the Service member's Civil Relief Act (SCRA). It contains ways to petition the courts to stay divorce motions until after your deployment/tour. You would likely need a good lawyer to put this into effect.
-- One way to keep the wife anchored to your current station might be ensuring the kid's start school there. That's about a 10-month commitment that you could insist on. I could imagine your wife saying something about taking the kids to where she wants to go, but you might say something about them staying with their friends, the teachers and programs that they know. If your wife would say something about NOT being able to handle the kids while you are gone - well hopefully (one party state?) you might record that AND then pull in favors from family and/or friends for another adult presence to help out. (i.e. YOUR mom comes for the year - stays at your house - to help out with the kids.)
-- While on tour/deployed, you could still be a very active parent. Insist on your wife setting up video sessions so you can talk to your kids. Generate email correspondence about wanting to see them every day, other day, week, etc. Make it a point!
-- If you put a lot of preparation into place based on the above ideas - but things go south - and your wife does something drastic, you could petition to roll home to NC early to do damage control. But, you need to know what's going on from a distance.

4. Let's discuss what type of image of you and your military service gets presented. Your wife and her lawyer could make you out to be a servicemember who is ALWAYS on deployment, and will do so again after Korea. Maybe you could say you got out of it....maybe you can prove that you should never be deployed again after that assignment. What evidence can you present to the court??? The Servicemember Relief Act doesn't guarantee a stay of proceedings...so how will you communicate to the court that you are concerned about not being available due to your duty to your country AND trying to provide for your family?

5. You said Mr. Wonderful moved across country? Where - to California? Maybe that's where you get your next assignment to foster her infidelity? (Normally a way to void or decrease alimony.) I don't like putting off the inevitable in your case...but maybe there's a strategy there to get her involved with Mr. Wonderful, although earning credits toward your retirement check, while you become the defacto/primary/only parent in the house?

Okay...hopefully that provides some clarity and/or ideas.[/quote]

I doubt I can get out of the 1 yr assignment. I have already gotten out of it twice. When it comes time to leave I will only have 3 yrs left on this enlistment, which will get me to 20. I came in in 01 and got married in 02, so she pretty much will get half, unless I can convince her to take a lump sum payment from my TSP. It sucks but my priority is the kids, I am willing to do anything or pay anything to get primary physical custody.

Currently, she has said it doesn't make sense to file for separation and divorce in NC if we are going to move after korea. I wont find out my follow-on till around Nov. Then I guess we shall see if she will go with me to the next base where I will have 2 yrs until retirement. She has said recently that I can have the kids, but you know how that goes. I guess I'm in a holding pattern and will be in one for some time. Im trying to keep it cordial and not upset her, so I guess that means I have to keep paying for everything and not move my check to a separate account.
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby StressinOut » Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:15 am

nr552 wrote:"In response to that she asked me if she could see other people during those 3yrs. Then she asked if she meets another military guy, gets married and they move will I follow them....WTF"

I look at this as a bargaining opportunity.

As stated, she's tipped her hand. I'd pay her off to continue the marriage until you can file in a more friendly pro-dad or 50/50 state, and file first. Consult an attorney ASAP in your area to work on a "plan" ...



I guess that's what Im going to have to do. Keep her as happy as I can until it gets closer to retirement. Does anyone know how FL or VA is for pro dad or 50/50?
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby StressinOut » Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:21 am

Tom Kirkpatrick wrote:
StressinOut wrote:What would you suggest?
You have no well-orchestrated game plan - something that includes playing a major role in your kid's lives on a daily basis.

In this game, it's all about building status quo AND filing only when you're ready. The List covers this. Read it. Use it as a template to build a list of your own.

StressinOut wrote:Then she asked if she meets another military guy, gets married.....
Then, for all intents and purposes (depending upon your well-worded decree), you're off the hook.....with the exception of asset division and parenting time.

Child support is yet to be determined. CS is dependent upon parenting time. When that time comes, pay CS based upon state calculator. The more parenting time you have, the less CS you'll hafta pay.

Moreover, you want to establish residency in a state where CS terminates at 18 or high school graduation, whichever occurs last. You must never get shackled, per decree or statutory (which varies by state) provisions, with post-majority CS or college expenses.

StressinOut wrote:I did float the idea to her to stay together until I retire then we can stay in the same area and co-parent.
Again, you're thinking is bogged down in the "here-and-now." It's as though someone is doing your thinking for you. Instead, you need to step out of the box re-think future options.

For example, you will fare much better (in the parenting time dept) if you "establish residency" in a state where 50/50 is a virtual given. CA and FL are good examples. NC, no guarantees.

Moreover, CA is a state where alimony is "rehabilitative." In other words, your STBX is expected to become fully self-supporting within a time frame certain - after which, alimony will terminate.

Once divorce is finalized (in a state of your choice), you can move where you please.

For example, terms and conditions of your CA decree remain in force for the life of your decree. It doesn't matter where you live. Your decree travels with you.

Bottom line: To get her to establish residency in a state of your choice, you may hafta bribe her.

Meanwhile, maintain radio silence. You must never tip your hand. The List covers this.

StressinOut wrote:.....will I follow them.....WTF
That is yet to be determined. But you're right about the WTF part. She just tipped her hand.

Q: Why should you follow "them?? For that matter, who is "them??"

ANS: You're you assuming "them" to be mother and children. In other words, you're assuming mother will be primary parent and you will get the EOW screw job. And if this is the case, it indicates your line of thinking needs to reverse 180°. This forum can help you with that. But you've gotta become willing. That's the tough part.

Tom


Its very hard to come up with a well thought out plan when some things are unknown at this time. Unknows: what she will do while im in korea for a yr. What state I or we will be stationed in next.

"Them" in the context of that conversation was her, the kids, and whatever new military man she finds.

Our residency is convoluted to say the least. I'm a MI resident. My wife is a FL resident and based on school and address my kids have NC residency. Based on what I've read we could file for divorce in any of those 3 states but anything dealing with custody would have to be filed and determined in NC, at least until we move and the kids establish residency for 6 months.
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:16 am

StressinOut wrote:.....and based on school and address, my kids have NC residency.
When talking in terms of family court, jurisdiction lies with the county wherein the children reside.

StressinOut wrote:"Them" in the context of that conversation was her, the kids, and whatever new military man she finds.
Her "new man" aside, you need to be thinking in terms such as this: Why can't "them" be you and the kids?? Why shouldn't she be the one to follow you??

Here's the deal: She's tired of following you around, right?? But she's more than willing to follow some other GI around. As you should be well aware, this provides no stability for your kids.

WTF is up with that?? Other than getting a different piece of meat, there's no difference between following you around vs following some other GI around.

She wants to have it both ways; cash out on you and enjoy her new man, all at the same time.

Bottom line: It's incumbent upon you to provide the stability every kid needs. Notwithstanding, you hafta place yourself in a position to provide it.

BTW - We call this the "Mr Wonderful effect." And more often than not, it's temporary. That means when she runs off with Mr W (because she will), you hafta be in a position to take your kids at a moment's notice.

Never lose sight of the fact that eventually, she's gonna get tired of Mr W.

Tom
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. - Maxine™
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby StressinOut » Thu Aug 24, 2017 6:31 am

Had my consult yesterday. It was pretty encouraging. Lawyer seemed confident that the STBX wouldn't get alimony due to adultery, and based on our incomes if we can agree on 50/50 she calculated CS at about $700/mth. She did say that because the house is under my VA loan that I should stay in the house and she should move out. If she wont agree to move out then our option is to file a divorce from bed and board to evict her. That all sounds good, but now I have to have this talk with the STBX.

Any advice on how to go about this? I highly doubt she will agree to most of it and I'm pretty sure she will get angry.
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 6:35 am

StressinOut wrote:... then our option is to file a divorce from bed and board to evict her.

Why bed and board? Is it so she can keep your health benefits?

It's my understanding, you cannot remarry if you do a B&B. Is that true in your state?
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby StressinOut » Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:11 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:
StressinOut wrote:... then our option is to file a divorce from bed and board to evict her.

Why bed and board? Is it so she can keep your health benefits?

It's my understanding, you cannot remarry if you do a B&B. Is that true in your state?



My understanding is that B&B is just to remove her from the home if she refuses to leave.
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:44 pm

StressinOut wrote:Lawyer seemed confident that the STBX wouldn't get alimony due to adultery.....
In this game, you must never put your eggs in the "seeming confident" basket. Instead, you should research NC statute and case law yourself. Hire a paralegal if necessary.

StressinOut wrote:.....if we can agree on 50/50.....
You and I both know NJ will never agree to 50/50.

Nevertheless, there some advantages to having established NC residence:

1) No alimony because of adultery.

2) Divorce bed and board. That would get her out of the house. Trouble is, with you overseas, the judge would give her leave to take the kids with her.

As far as 50/50 is concerned, your best bet is to bribe her. You know her better than anyone. Give her something she wants in exchange for 50/50.

But before you agree to anything, it's best to lock in 50/50 first and foremost. Everything else is a distant second.

Tom
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. - Maxine™
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby National1962 » Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:35 pm

good luck stressed out seemed complicated.

The best advice I got here was from Mr Bart Simpson who told me to leave and come back in a couple years so Im out.
Such a friendly and helpful guy.
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Re: New Here Need Advice

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:41 pm

National1962 wrote:The best advice I got here was from Mr Bart Simpson who told me to leave and come back in a couple years so Im out.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't prepare. In fact you should. Just so there's no confusion, we're talking "well-orchestrated" game plan.

Like I said the other day: "Read The List. Build a list of your own."

http://forum.dadsdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=13374

Time is on your side, Bro. You should take advantage of it while you can. Never lose sight of the fact that in this game, time is a rare commodity.

Tom
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. - Maxine™
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