new to this site- need help

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new to this site- need help

Unread postby Rob » Sun Jan 09, 2005 11:56 am

Here's my story. We've been married 12 years. Live in Indiana. Well, we divorced 7 yrs ago and remarried a couple months later. Technically, this marriage is <7 years. We have 2 kids, young, almost 5 and 2. I work and make good money and she started the stay-at-home mom thing 3 yrs ago. Before that, she was able to make about $45K, so did OK as an income earner.
Divorce has been imminent for about 3-4 months but I have not filed because 1) I said we'd wait till after the holidays (which are over) and 2) I said I would wait till her job hunting picked up in order to not pressure her. She is looking for a job.
Lately, the conversations have gotten much more heated. She has hit me, actually said "I'm going to kill you" (out of anger obviously) and now threatens to hire a lawyer and nail me good- her words. I had wanted to do this amicable if possible to both maintain some sembalnce of friendship, but also to save atty fees and of course, hoping I could get a favorable settlement for both of us.
I move out next weekend. Today is the day we tell the 4.5 yr old. That is already scary - very scary. I feel I need to file NOW. I wanted to go pro se based on the issues above, but now that she is hostile and because I need to protect myself (knowing that better than a 50/50 split is pretty unrealistic at this point), I pretty much see the need to hire a lawyer.
To make matters worse, yes I have feelings for someone else. An old flame who, in thinking about her, made me realize how much I am missing from my marriage. We are not seeing other (anymore) and don't even talk. Trying to preserve the idea that the two situations need to be separate and that I need to get through this before even considering a next step. however, wife knows I have seen her behind her back. Nothing has happened with this other girl except mutual feelings and deep conversation (really folks). The past relationship, 15 yrs ago, we had was always founded on companionship and not on anything lewd, etc (we never had sex, she's Very Catholic, oh well).
Anyway, wife knows about her and is livid. This makes her sneak around now, hide things (see my pther post about the boob job), and continuously think I am lying and hiding everything.

So help...
I need to get out. What can I reasonably expect based on some of the above regarding my ability to get more than EOW custody? What about maintenance or her getting a job and my wanting to end this marriage now with no more waiting? I'm sure I will have more questions

Re: new to this site- need help

Unread postby Fed Up » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:13 pm

If you own the house, don't move out. You should have filed charges when she hit and threatened you, but it's not too late to go to court and ask for a restaining order for domestic violence. Ask that she be removed from the house, that you be given temp custody of the kids, and that she have only limited and supervised < parenting time >. If you wimp on this, she'll beat you to it and then your life will be ruined for years to come. If she gets a lawyer first and files a restraining order on you, you can kiss any chance of a 'new life' goodbye. You need to get proactive and see a lawyer on Monday. It will be a lot cheaper in the end than putzing around and letting her put you on the defensive.
Fed Up

For starters -

Unread postby Tom » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:30 pm

Rule No 1 -

No matter how bad things are, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR MARITAL RESIDENCE!! If you condescend to her demands today, you'll waive all your rights in family court. This is no idle tale. That's how it works.

Rule No 2 -

You need to buy some precious time. Once the hammer drops, you won't have that luxury. Between now and trial, right now is THE most critical juncture. What you do now, or fail to do, will set the stage 'til trial. If you move out now, you'd just as well kiss your kids good-bye for good, not to mention your house, savings, future finances, etc. etc. etc. as well as your < hindquarters >.

Rule No 3 -

You need to document ABSOLUTELY everything, especially your wife's abuse. That means you get witnesses, take photos, go to the doctor, and above all, file a police report and press charges. Under no circumstances will you drop any charges.

Before you move out or do anything you'll regret later, read The List, Bro. It has lots of no-nonsense strategy and info. Don't forget to read the additional readings that follow.

Here's the link: ... 37&t=55733

Remember, your wife is something other than your wife. She's a bully and you're her target. Never forget that. You've gotta disconnect your buttons and get prepared for war. If you play Mr Nice Guy, you'll lose a lot more than your < hindquarters >. That, I guarantee.


Re: new to this site- need help

Unread postby Bob » Sun Jan 09, 2005 10:46 pm

Let's raise a glass to Tom.

Moving out sure makes you look like you're ashamed of something.

I don't know if The List has it, but assume you're being taped at all times--especially the phone calls. I don't know where you live, but it may be legal for her to tape and you not know about it. Do the same to her.

This is my personal opinion that always gets trashed legally on this forum: forget about the chick until this is all over. You want to be the one taking high road. If you get horny, think about your poor kids being with a woman who threatened and struck their father. Technically it doesn't make any difference as long as your GF has no contact with the kid. In reality, depending on the judge you get, it could mean everything. You have a lot to get in order before you start thinking of the next place to bury the sausage.

By the way, no one will believe you when you say you met and had deep talks with your XGF. We might here, but no one else will. If you're doing that, you might as well be having sex, I say.

Then again, if you think your current wife will be a good mother and the only thing you have on her is that she got pissed when you were arguing about an old flame that you admitted seeing, still get a lawyer, but realize you have an uphill climb. You're going to have to get some dirt on her otherwise you're going to be on the outside looking in as fast as that tsunami hit.

You have to decide if you're in this for the long haul or not. If you want your kids, you're going to have to get something on her, which it doesn't sound like you have--other than the argument. If her lawyer is worth his/her salt, that will be a one time spat brought on when she found out you were seeing an old flame.

You needed a lawyer last Monday, bro. Don't lose heart--just get to work.

Re: For starters -

Unread postby Bob » Sun Jan 09, 2005 10:51 pm

Oh, and as long as you're in the house, assume your emails are being read, too.

There's a real good chance she has been preparing this for some time...

I did misunderstand that you are not seeing the girl anymore. How did your wife find out? Still, don't put that in writing again, I say, until you're out of the woods.

Re: To Tom and Bob

Unread postby Rob » Mon Jan 10, 2005 2:34 pm

Guys, regarding moving out...I need to talk to a lawyer and ask an opinion, but basically I thought it was a good thing because conversations have been breaking down. We have already discussed a parenting schedule to start implementing, and I guess I will try to get as much additional time as possible in order to show a good precedent for more time (now that I think about it).
But basically, we have been discussing divorce since Sept/Oct. It is only now, months down the road that we agreed I would move out. I am still paying 100% of all bills and still plan to see the kids on a routine schedule. I never thought that I would be screwing myself for moving out. (?)

Re: To Tom and Bob

Unread postby Bob » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:06 pm

If you don't believe us, call the lawyer. Hopefully you did that today.

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