Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Discussions from before 2005.

Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Unread postby Kia » Wed Jan 05, 2005 4:21 pm

I really need some advice. In 1988 I was with a boyfriend that I had been with since 1986. We were kinda split up,both knowing without telling each other that the other was "seeing" other people but we were mainly living togeather. I was with a really nice college student named Andy. Well, *Joe and I got back togeather and then we had a child.I was told I could not have more kids after my son in 1984.

Anyway, we soon split up(we were never married) and when she was about 2 yrs., he kidnapped her.He had gotten remarried and the woman was in the dark about why the child was going to spain with them. She was told,once in spain,that I was dead.Anyway, I got some of her medical records when I (well, the SM who she had been living with and who now has custody and is a friend of mine) found her. I also had some old records and paper work about the "dad"(the one that kidnapped her) I found out that there was NO way he could be the father because of the blood types.

I was shocked but knew that the dad could be only one other guy,Andy. I called him and talked to him. He was not mad but had just gotten divorced because they could not have kids.(yikes)He really wants a kid of his own.Well, I told him about 6 years ago and we both decided to NOT tell her that he was the dad.I know he really wants 100% proof(can you blame him, anyone would) He knows that no one is asking for money or anything he is NOT ready for.I talk to him every once and a while and send pics of Jess to him.

I just got this email and I don't know what to do.Jess is now 15 and JUST went through hell while living with her "dad"(the one that raised her)because of his wife.The wife was using the bible to berate her, homeschool her because they caught her hanging out with frinds and all ppl are evil, only used her as a baby sister,making her get up everyday at 4am to take care of the 2 new babies under 2 years old, making her pray on her knees for hours at a time and say that she was a wothless sinner,etc.She is now back with her SM,the one I signed custody over too in 1998.

Here is the email Andy sent:
Hi Kate,

Happy New Year and a belated Merry Christmas...How have you been? I have thought about you many times lately and of course about Jessica too. I hope all is well for you and that 2005 is a wonderful year. How are your children? I would like to talk to you sometime soon. You know that I believe you when you tell me she is my daughter but I also know that I need to know for sure that she is. I have been wondering if you thought there was any way that you could get a hair from her that we could send somewhere with one of mine to be tested. If we could do that and I could know in my heart that for sure I was her father I would feel good about trying to do something about it, what that would be I don't know. I don't want to tear apart anyones lives but would love to find out for sure and then let God guide us to wherever he wants us to be. What do you think about that? I am sorry I have been gone so long....Andy

OK guys.I debated a lot about asking you guys about this,but I am at a loss at what to do! Andy is a kind and loving man.Her "dad" that raised (well, kidnappedher,we never went to court and did not have a court order so it was whomever had custody at the time had custody) Jess does not know ANYTHING about this although she always gets teased because all his other kids(all 5) look Just like him and his family!Kim, the SM who is really her mom in that she raised her thinking she had no mother,knows about the "Andy factor" What in the heck do I do? Is it even my choice? I made a mistake when I was young and I know I have culpability in this.I REALLY did not know it was Andys.The timing was so close!
Thanks guys for your hopefully non-flameing responses!
PS--I did not have time to edit for spelling,etc..Sorry

Re: Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Unread postby Lo » Wed Jan 05, 2005 4:58 pm

This sounds like material for a Montel Williams or Dr. Phil show!! hahahaha....

Re: Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Unread postby Lo » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:01 pm

Sorry....I couldn't help it......Maybe you should try to meet her? I mean......thats the first thing that came to my mind. How do you know what you say about her home life is true??

I think you need to get out of the shadows and become a positive in her life or just shut up and walk away and let it go.

As far as "Andy" goes....it all depends on what he wants.....if he wants to be involved there are steps he can take to get the paternity tests done........he needs to make up his mind and DO SOMETHING....talk is cheap.

Re: Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Unread postby Kia » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:17 pm

Hey, we already ran Dr. phil and his family out of Wichita Falls many years ago for ruining marriages. I would NEVER go on his crappy show! LOL Your right,but I am trying to do this with some tact (if it is to be done) Everyonewell most, are just trying to find the way to do it that is best for the child. S*** happens,and it did. We all made mistakes but now he is asking, and nicely I might add, for info.He is not the type to EVER force an issue. Not because he does not want to "know for sure" but because he is just not the type to deal in hard drama.Maybe we should wait untill she is 18.It is a hard call.

Oh, and I have been in contact with her. I AM in contact with her.It was best that she stay with her SM, who had raised her all those years at the time.I talked to a LOT of professionals about it and it was a very hard decision! That is not the issue now however. This situation with Andy is.I already made the other decisions years ago when she was found.I can not relieve that.Lets just say she has mom Kim and mom Kate.It worked in this situation. Thanks for your honest,albeit biting,advice.

Re: Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Unread postby Lo » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:32 pm

Well, if all is well or at least stable for her maybe you are better off waiting until she is 18 or at least at an age where you think she could handle something of this magnitude......I can agree that a child in thier early teens is already going through enough and this might be something that really throws < feces > crazy......

Just keep your head up, come up with a plan to make the jump and wait for a good time.

Re: Dilemma, what to do or tell him...HELP!!!

Unread postby Kia » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:48 pm

Thanks.I just feel guilty for putting Andy,*Joe,Jess and whomever through this.God, I was so young and naive(sp) back then!Andy and Jess do not deserve this at all. Andy wants kids of his own(he has a SD that he loves from his 1st marriage) I am trying to set him up with a beautiful young,sweet and, well, fertile woman! LOL I am 37 and too old to have anymore kids.He is about 39, a CEO, makes an awsome living,so he can afford a child,and would make a GREAT dad!! I hope he can find someone that treats him good or they will have me to contend with,,,LOL THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!
PS--After hearing all your stories,maybe I should advise him to go to an egg donor and have someone just carry his kid! he does not need all the BS with another marriage!! He is still good friends with his ex though. Guess it is the luck of the draw.

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